I don't know if this belongs in here, but I figured that some of you might have dealt with a similiar situation, so here goes: I have this very good friend that I know for about 3 years now. We're both males in our late 20's. Ever since I've known him, He never had a girlfriend / fling or never once he mentioned anything about any women. I know for a fact from him that he never had a girlfriend. He virtually never discusses or mentions any relationship/sex/crushes/etc issues - not with me, and not with anyone of our friends circle for all I know. Some of our mutual friends (including his roommate which is very good friends with him as well) are puzzled by this. It is worth mentioning that this guy is considered by women as attractive, successful, very smart, self-confident etc. He obviously gets hit on and approached by women - but he seems simply uninterested and he never acts on it. Some might suspect he's a closeted gay. If that's the case - he's doing a pretty good job 'hiding' it (Not that he needs to. I don't think that anyone of our friends circle would have a problem with that if that's the thing). Every once in a while some friend will approach me and ask me if I know 'what's going on over there' with him. Usually I just ignore or dismiss them, and tell them that it's his business alone and his private issues are his own matter - If he wishes to share it with someone, he will do it on his own terms and we shouldn't poke our noses there. However, someone lately 'challenged' my perspective on this and said that as his friend I should try and find out 'what's wrong' and 'that he needs help from me' because he's obviously in distress and misery - and so I'm ought to talk with him about 'it'. What should I do? I feel that if I will go directly on this and try to talk with him about this I will make him feel uncomfortable, 'cornered' and that his privacy is being 'invaded'. He's a very good friend and I don't want to scare him or make him feel more stressed out than he might already is. Need your advice. Thanks!
It's best not to push your friend into answering to these kinds of questions, it might just push him away. I think the best solution would be to put yourself in a position to show that you are supportive. If the subject of homosexuality ever comes up, you could mention your support for LGBT. If you ever see him looking troubled, you could remind him (without being too pushy) that if he wants to discuss anything, that you're willing to listen without judging and be there for him. These would be the "first step" in my opinion to show yourself as a trustworthy person, someone he can confide to. Ultimately though, he'll have to be the one to take the first step and talk if he does have some issues. Just make sure to be there and listen.
If he is in the closet putting him on the spot and asking him if he is gay will most likely lead to him getting uncomfortable and defensive. If you do go this route make sure its just the two of you somewhere private don't ask with other people around even if everyone is friends. One person would be overwhelming enough. Before you ask tell him you love and accept him unconditionally first and then explain your observations. Then tell him if he was gay he could tell you and you could help him though it and would not tell anyone else and nothing would change between you ect ect. At least that's how I would imagine a friend would get the best response out of me as a closet gay. With that said the probably better option is just to wait as coming out has to be from him on his own terms. He may not accept himself in which case its hard to expect others to accept you. I know I imagine coming out to different friends all the time and just come up with the worst possible scenarios in my head all the time such as them outing me to others or loosing them ect. You could start bring up gay friendly topics around him in your friend circle such as supporting gay marriage, how your all fine with it ect to hint around to it without overstepping. What ever you do do not try to force him to hookup with girls. Thats what my friends do to me and it makes me miserable. Its amazing that you are on here though getting help for him if he is. You are a really good friend and it sounds like his circle of friends are great as well. Just remember that despite this, even if it is obvious to all of you that you would all accept him his view may be the opposite no matter how silly it may seem. Its just really hard...
Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it. As you said, even though it's hard to do 'nothing' when a friend is in distress it's probably best not to be too 'proactive' on this issue and let him come into terms with himself first - whatever the issue is: being gay-closeted/asexual/confused. I'll simply try my best to be supportive, be mindful to how I act or speak and avoid pushing him into hooking up with women (@Anomander - that IS a solid advice, you really helped me understand his possible perspective on this)
I'm glad I can help. Sorta in the same situation myself in college. For me I have had friends ask me if I was gay a couple times and always freeze up and say no because they have always been in awkward times such as living-room full of people or in the cafeteria. Its not going to happen in a setting like that haha. Sometimes I get awkward questions as well such as what my favorite type of porn is or pick out someone in the cafeteria you wanna fuck ect. Again I just kinda freeze up and say something and then my friends tell me they know that wasn't a real answer and I made it up and I awkwardly try and change the subject. Regardless I have had one friend tell me he would accept me if I was in my current house and my friends have had some conversations about gay rights and everyone was supportive but that still has not made me able to come out because I am not comfortable with myself enough to do so I guess... In college it is particularly awkward because you live with all your best friends, at least when your an upper class-man and then you think well if I tell one person and they take it poorly it could be a really terrible year at college if I have to see them every day. And so my friends make it their single minded goal every weekend to get me laid by anything with two legs and a vagina... Does not even matter if the girl is attractive by straight standards. Makes me hate going out on weekends so yea don't do that If I can help anymore let me know. Regardless of his sexual orientation you are a great friend. Hope he realizes that.
