Hey guys, just looking for some advice. I'm 19 years old, out to everyone and I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now. He's 7 years my senior and not out. Now his parents know he's gay and one of his friends, but he's dead set about no one else knowing so everyone pretty much acts like he's just straight. Now I only really see him at night when he comes to my place, because his family doesn't know about me, we occasionally go out in public but if we do he always brings along his gay friend (who also doesn't know we are seeing each other) so it seems like we're all straight, and we always go to obscure and far away places. I'm trying to slowly get him to meet my family without pressuring him too much because I don't want him to resent me or anything for it, but it's been really difficult to make any progress. It took me 3 months just to get him to commit to me, at 4 months I finally convinced him to meet my mum but it was brief and he still won't come over for dinner or anything like that. last month after a huge argument he finally agreed to meet my aunt and cousin (I'm a kiwi so I have a huge yet very tight knit extended family) under the condition that he was introduced as a friend. I asked him about 2 weeks ago whether he would ever come out, and he said maybe in a year or two purely because he doesn't think it is anyone else's business, and won't approach the topic again. He makes excuses not to come to family events, to meet single members of family or friends, or even just do things like go clubbing or get coffee. I've been patient with him because I'm hopelessly in love with the idiot but I'm tired of feeling like I'm a secret and something to be ashamed of, I only came out last year and it was a huge step for me, and I feel like he is just undoing all the progress I thought I made. And I am not his first ay relationship, he has had one that I know of and maybe more. Now I have no LGBT friends I can talk to about this, so I was hoping someone who has been in a similar situation would be able to give me some help because I have no idea what to do!!! I want to help him but I don't know how without giving up more of myself. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds, I reallyneed advice!
I'm not sure I'm the best person to answer this, because I'm in the closet. At least, as far as people who actually know me. And I'm not sure how far I'll ever come out. At this point, I honestly don't see myself screaming the news, "I'M GAY!!!!" from a roof top. On the other hand, six months ago, I'm not sure I'd have seen myself being a member of sexual orientation forum, either. Anyway, I guess I can understand the "it's no one else's business" logic. Except I think he's taking it too far. Maybe he does believe that it's no one else's business. Maybe there is some practical reason, like losing his job. But to hide it so completely he's not willing to come to a family dinner? Or even go out for a cup of coffee? Or tell even tell his friend--whom you say is gay--that he's dating you? Practically, I might be stuck in the closet a long time yet... But if I had a chance to date another guy, I'd be able to do a partial coming out. I'd be able to go to family dinners. I'd be willing to go in public, where I might be seen by people who know me, with the guy. I wouldn't want to kiss in Starbucks, but I wouldn't mind being seen there. I'd be willing to let him my meet family if they came for a visit. In your position, I'd would feel like you do: a secret and something to be ashamed of. In your position, one question I'd be asking myself is whether things will ever change. One question I'm wondering: he says he might come out in a year or two. What makes that time frame special? Is there a real reason? (In my case, I'm looking to use the coming months to stabilize my life, so if I lose half my social network, some work references, etc, I'll be able to get through OK.) Or is he just kicking the problem a year or two down the road? I'd be inclined to insist that things have to start changing. Maybe he's not ready to come out completely, but he can do some things, like come over for dinner with you and your mom. If you two are having sex, you might consider putting teeth in your demands by saying that your pants will stay firmly zipped until he has dinner with Mom or coffee in public. Unfortunately, as I say, he may not change. It may cost you the relationship. That could be hard...but if he's unwilling to even make slight changes now, the chances are he'll be the same way in 10 years. Then, again, maybe this would be the incentive to get him to start living a more honest, authentic life.
Hey, thanks for your response, it's given me lots to think about. In relation to what want from him, I'm not asking him to scream it from the rooftops or make out with me in a shopping centre or anything stupid like that, I just beed some kind of validation from him that he isn't just using me. Because right now I feel like outside of the nights we spend at my house it's like I'm not even in a relationship because I still feel incredibly alone; he's managed to completely seperate me from the rest of his life and I can't even describe how crap it feels to be someone else's secret when I gave up my secret to be with him. I came out for him, and he knows it, but it doesn't even matter. In regards to the 1-2 year timeframe, there is nothing special about it. He works with gay men where he works, and it's a friendly environment so I know it isn't a work thing, and it's not his friends because he tells me about how they all are gay friendly too, etc. He's not afraid of it at all, he just doesn't want to change. I'm so ridiculously in love with him though that I just act happy so he doesn't think anything wrong; when I say how I feel out loud it sounds pathetic and I can see him looking down on me for feeling this way. I know it sounds needy and all but I'm just terrified of the day he turns around and tells me he doesn't need me anymore because he's found someone who isn't so selfish in their demands.
Okay, what I am going to say sounds really harsh, so take it as it is....here it goes. It's a relationship 2 people 2 different sets of needs. What makes it work is compromise. What he needs to understand is how you feel about the way he's behaving. However, you also need to be understanding of his emotional needs and how he feels about it (which it sounds like your trying). What I think you should do is talk to him. See if maybe you can get him to come to your mom's for dinner in exchange for you giving him some leeway in coming out to his parents. You obviously love him a lot, so don't drop it on him, but just let him know how much it's hurting you and if he loves you as much as you love him, he'll understand.
It's cool, harsh is probably what I need. In terms of compromise I really am trying but he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong, he's happy the way things are and all his needs are suited. How do you explain to someone that what is perfectly normal to them is hurtful? He is out to his parents, he just doesn't speak about it to them so they all act like he's just straight. I have tried easing the idea to him but the answer is the same every time, I don't know how to change his mind.
It's tough. I really think you should do some self evaluation. How much of this are you willing to put up with? It's your life too! Like I said in my first post though, I think you should sit him down and say something along the lines of "We need to talk. I feel like I am being .kept a secret. I know your not out and you are taking your time, but I need to know that I am going to have my needs met as well. I love you and I want to be with you, but I need to know that I am not always going to be your secret lover." Always resort to talking before action. See if you can get him to see how hurt you are
That's a good way of putting it, thanks heaps this has really helped here's to hoping that it works. Thanks for all your help
You can talk to him about why you are upset and hurt. Most relationships fall apart because there was no proper communication. You can say that his actions are making you feel like he's ashamed to be with you or something along those lines. That all his needs are met, but yours are not and you feel as though he doesn't care. You feel that you are not important to him. Try to be careful of your tone so that it's not accusatory. Rather, use "I" statements and use a calm voice. Hope it goes well!(*hug*)
Don't mean to make you feel bad, but I was sorta in the same boat as you and it did not turn out so good. Things just weren't working out. While we both are very outgoing, he is experienced and comfortable being out. He wanted to hold hands, kiss, etc. And at the time, him being slightly older and seasoned was just too much for me. He grew tired of the hiding and we both decided to move on. I can't stress enough how important communication is. You guys have to sit down and talk to one another. Listen to eachother.
Thanks for all the responses guys, I'm meeting him to talk to him tonight so I'll let you know how it goes thanks so much for the feedback, it's truly helped.
Okay, so I spoke to him finally about how I've been feeling and he got mad and started yelling at me, accusing me of rushing him and putting him in an awkward situation. When I spoke to him I was as calm as possible and didn't make it sound like I was accusing him of anything, I just told him how I felt and how I thought we may need to change some aspects of our relationship. He thinks I'm being selfish and not accomodating his needs I don't know what else to do
if he's not out of the closet and won't admit that he's dating you, it's almost like you're not even together. if i were you i'd just end it and let him do his thing.... maybe he'll come crawling back when he finally steps out of the closet.
He sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship. Normally I am all for doing everything to keep a relationship together, but if he isn't even willing to talk there isn't much you can do.
What about your needs? Seems to me like he's the one being selfish and not making accommodations for you. I would suggest breaking it off. Save yourself the pain because he's not ready to accept himself or acknowledge your relationship.
