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How do you deal with being constanly told that it's time you got a boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by evora, May 1, 2013.

  1. evora

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    I hate it so much when my grandmother or anyone says that to me or just implies that I'll have a husband in a few years! I keep telling her I won't ever get married and that I don't want a boyfriend but she ignores it. It always makes want to cry that this is what they expect me to do even though it's not what I want.
    Do you have any advice on how I should handle it? Obviously there's no point telling her that I do not like men... But I hate feeling like this whenever this topic comes up. How can I make myself not get so upset? I feel so sick.:icon_sad:

    Also, she told me I should wear tighter clothes because then I could get a boyfriend because boys would love my figure if I showed it off... Basically she keeps giving me advice on how to catch boys, like I'm unable to! These kind of conversations always make me cringe! I don't want boys/men to look at me that way but she doesn't understand that.
     
    #1 evora, May 1, 2013
    Last edited: May 1, 2013
  2. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Really, honestly, the only thing I can suggest is explaining that you're not interested in relationships/it's a not a topic you want covered/etc. You're not out and if you're not ready to be, then you don't want to come out just to stop these conversations.

    It's okay to feel like you're feeling. It's definitely not an easy conoversation to have and especially not easy to confront heteronormativity. I mean, honestly, every day I always hear "Oh, you're a wonderful young woman", "You'll be a great mother one day!" and it just makes me kind of cringe internally. So what you're feeling happens, especially when you've got a corner in the closet.
     
  3. Rae

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    I can't help, but I have the same problem, but for different reasons than you, since I am trans.

    I told them that I could end up being with a woman , and they were like "thats fine too". And then they kinda forgot, my mom recently said "Oh so you are still bisexual ?" She thinks I'm a heterosexual girl :astonished: and that bisexuals are confused people or whores.
    They think that everything I do is just a phase. I also tried saying I didn't want anything right now, but my grandma keeps asking.

    @littlemephis "You'll be a great mother someday". Poor you XD.
     
    #3 Rae, May 1, 2013
    Last edited: May 1, 2013
  4. LibraryKitten

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    When I realized I liked women, it was really strange going back home over break and noticing for the first time all the little comments my mom makes that assume I'm hetero. It put me off a little bit, and you have every right to wince about it, particularly if it keeps coming up... But I try to remember that they're saying it because they care about us, and that's how they express it; by trying to watch out for us, in ways that most people assume we would want to be watched out for. I know it's frustrating, but she just doesn't know any better. I'd try to think of it like this: She's telling you you're attractive, even though you personally don't want to try to be. I'd just try to take it at face value and not worry too much. If you're not interested, you're not- just smile and change the subject, I guess. And someday if you think you're ready to come out, I hope she'll be supportive of you then too!
     
  5. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Rae: And I don't even want to be a parent, much less have some little thing push itself screaming out of a hole I'm not overly fond of! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    They mean well, evora, that's the thing. When they tell you you need a boyfriend, they think you need a man to be happy. When they tell me I'm a 'beautiful young lady', they're not trying to be demeaning- they're going with what they think is true.
     
  6. evora

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    Thanks everyone for your advice.

    Honestly, there really is no point in trying to explain to them that I do not want to be in a relationship, at least not with a man anyway. But this is driving me crazy!

    It makes me think of really stupid things like maybe I should get a boyfriend, just to show everyone that I can, marry him if he asks soon enough, if he doesn't then just get pregnant...but I should have a wedding because that would make my family happy, it's what they've always wanted, then as soon as I'm pregnant, get a divorce after all a lot of people do this, separating within a year of getting married so it wouldn't be that weird. And then I'd have the baby and could use it as an excuse not to date anymore...Problem solved!
    I've got to a point where I'm actually considering this crazy idea. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I'm not even a real lesbian, even though all I want is a girlfriend...

    These conversations always make me question why I can't just do what is expected of me. It's been five months exactly since figuring out what was wrong with me all this time and I think I've kind of accepted it as well. Yet, I can't help thinking things like 'just because I get attracted to women doesn't mean I'm a lesbian' or 'I could still, maybe, some day marry a man..' or 'thinking of women while :***: does not make me a lesbian'. I keep thinking that if I really really tried, I could force myself to have a relationship with a man, or at least as long as it takes to get pregnant, or pretend to fall in love, get married, get pregnant, then divorce – family's expectations appeased...

    ---------- Post added 1st May 2013 at 10:07 PM ----------

    Yes, I know but they completely ignore what I want.:icon_sad: Or think I'm too young to know better..One minute I'm too young but the next they tell me they had their first child at my age..
    They always say it in a way that lets you know there are no other acceptable options in life other than settling down and having children. They don't care how sick the thought of being intimate with a man makes me feel.
     
  7. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Don't cave in. Even if you're a lesbian, you're perfectly capable of having children, a nuclear family, whatever you want- Plenty of lesbian couples head stable families, whether it's with kids or with just an old pitbull and a vinyl collection. Your sexuality doesn't need to limit you and that's what you have to consider. If you don't want kids, no need to have them. If you don't want man, don't get one. Your life, your choice.

    Cheers. :slight_smile:
     
  8. evora

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    Thanks!:slight_smile: I wish it was so simple. The problem is, I've always wanted children but not a husband. When I was little, I actually thought that a husband came with having children and not the other way around, I used to think they were something you had to put up with to be able to have your babies.:lol:
     
  9. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    I suppose if you really wanted to, you could look in IV fertilization, a sperm donor, or adoption. There's always options. See, for me, I guess I can see myself as a parent but the idea of something growing inside me just feels wrong. I used to get all slack jawed when I'd hear mothers go on saying, "Oh, I just love being pregnant. Having life inside me..." And I'd just think "You like that?" I mean, obviously, there are women perfectly happy with being mothers, having kids, and even being pregnant but I'm certainly not one of them. :wink:
     
  10. Cougar

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    Your family behaves rationally in their society by trying to get you married while you are still young. If you want to silence them you must tell them that you are lesbian; you obviously can't have it both ways. Your alternative plan shows that you are even ready to ruin your life and that of others just to continue hiding your sexual preference. If you are too weak to communicate your 'alternative lifestyle' there won't be an alternative way of life for you.
     
  11. evora

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    It's not that I'm too weak to tell them, a traditional marriage will always be what they want for me no matter what I say I want. That is why telling them is not an option. I love my grandparents very much and they love me but they wouldn't understand. To them, doing anything that falls outside of the social norms would be considered rebelling or trying to make a statement.. But of course I can't predict their reactions 100%, but I think I know them very well, even though we don't live in the same house but we're very close and see each other a few times a week and that makes me think I do know what they'd be like if they knew. They couldn't accept it because in their minds that's not right, that's not what women should do, they are supposed to be with men...

    ---------- Post added 2nd May 2013 at 04:48 PM ----------

    There were a few years when I kept comparing a baby growing inside of me to a parasite...but that was when I was anorexic and very thin so I thought that must be why.

    I do want a baby but I'm scared I'd not eat enough and I'd either miscarry, have a child with disabilities, or not even conceive at all... I'd really like to adopt but I don't know how or when I'll have the money to do that, but most of all I'd definitely want a partner first, not just so I wouldn't be a single parent but because I'd love to be in a relationship with a woman.

    And I'm only 21 (will be in a few months) and I'm still living with my parents so I don't want to jump from one dependent state to another. I want to live a little before settling down and I have mentioned that to my grandmother, to which she replied my aunt had a baby at 29, that's eight years from now for me and when I said that's too early, she told me it'd be better to have babies in my twenties...

    But I guess this is what I have to look forward to. Being constantly asked by relatives if I have a boyfriend, if not why not, but don't I want children soon, if not why not...:bang:
     
  12. Dans le placard

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    My grandma made a somewhat cheeky comment a few months ago (she doesn't know about my sexuality). She was rambling on about how wonderful things were between my cousin and his girlfriend, and that she predicted they would get married soon (btw, they've only been going out for less than a year...). She then told me to get a move on, especially since the prize for first grandson married would be for the bride to wear my grandma's diamond earrings down the aisle. Even if I were straight and had a fiancée, I doubt she would want to wear my grandma's earrings at our wedding. :lol:
     
  13. JPC

    JPC Guest

    It's always the grandmothers. All of my cousins who are close to me in age are either in long term relationships, married or have kids at this point. I get it from my grandmother and uncles every time I see them. "How's the girlfriend?" or something to that effect is always asked in a jokey way and I'm getting pretty tired of laughing it off. It's like an inside joke in my extended family that I'm my granmother's favourite out of about 30 grandchildren so it's going to be a pretty awkward day in my big Catholic family when I tell them my 'girlfriend' is actually a guy (I just need to find one first!)
     
  14. riahf

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    My family's the same way. Every time I'm home my mom tries to set me up with a different guy. She's terrified that I'm 21 and haven't dated anybody yet, and she doesn't want me to die alone. I'm not ready to tell her that I'm not sure I'm even into guys, but I wish she would stop.
     
  15. safeandsound

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    I actually signed up after weeks of lurking to reply to this thread. I really identify with this. I'm also 21, haven't ever dated anyone and my parents keep going on and on and on about relationships. I told my parents I was asexual and stressed that I was categorically NOT heterosexual because I had zero sexual attraction to anyone but I told them because I knew I was theoretically romantically interested in anyone of any gender (I think) but they reacted really badly and they upped the YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND IT WILL MAKE YOUR MENTAL ILLNESSES DISAPPEAR bs and my mum keeps talking about arranging me a marriage (jokingly, but even so) so I just stopped talking about it and now I'm confused about my sexuality again and I know I'll never be able to tell them if I'm gay/bi because they're disgustingly homophobic and they'll try and make me feel bad about it from a cultural point of view too and if I hear 'gay people don't exist in Africa' one more time I'll explode.
    I just say that I'm not interested in dating right now (it's been my party line since i was about 15) and that usually gets them to shush, albeit with a strange look or two.

    The thing that makes my heart sink now I'm questioning is how people, random people, causally assume you're heterosexual. I wanted to scream I'M NOT STRAIGHT SO STOP ASSUMING I AM even when I ID'd as asexual and now it's even worse. It just puts a lump in my throat and makes me want to hide because how can I be free to like whoever I happen to like when nobody will just let me be and wants to shove me in boxes? *sigh*

    Oh and does anyone else get told you'd get a boyfriend if you did X or Y or changed X or Y about yourself? Drives me mad. Like, when I shaved my head last year I got told over and over again how men wouldn't like it like I was supposed to care! I'm growing my hair now but not for a man, just because I specifically shaved my hair so I could grow it again. And I once got told that I should gain weight because men like curves and not only is that kind of a rubbish thing to say to someone with an eating disorder as the reason they lost weight or someone pretty uninterested in men, it's also rubbish on a not-being-a-raging-misogynist level.

    Ugh, people.

    I went on a bit there, sorry! :lol:
     
  16. evora

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    Yes! I mainly get told if I used make up or wore more grown up and feminine clothes and went to parties, I could get a boyfriend. Or my grandmother's favourite, 'go alone everywhere, you don't need me as a chaperon, that's why boys don't approach you' to which I once replied that that's the point...

    There was a funny incident two days ago when we went down to the lake in the afternoon and a boy around my age came up to me to ask if I'd seen some people around here, I guess he was supposed to meet them, anyway, once he went away, my grandmother asked if he wanted my number or asked me out.:eusa_doh: I said no and laughed because I thought he was gay, so much for my grandmother being able to tell who's gay and who's not. She's either completely clueless or pretends to be because there were a few other occasions when she pointed out to me some men she thought I should get together with and I was almost completely sure they were gay.:roflmao:
    Although I remember reading a thread where someone said european men dress more.. freely? Like they don't care if they don't look straight which is true. Boys who have girlfriends wear pink T-shirts and have shiny earrings, etc. and even a lot of women dress in a way that always makes me question if they could be lesbians or not..
    Anyway, I was not planning on this being so long. Sorry.:icon_redf

    I know what you mean. I hate it so much when they start talking about things like that and I'm standing there and feel like they keep track of when I look thinner/fatter and I'm dreading when the actual topic of my weight will come up and not just how my body looks.:icon_eek:

    Everything you wrote is so true!(*hug*)

    Oh and welcome to EC!:slight_smile: