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I finally told my secret.... To my boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sme, May 1, 2013.

  1. sme

    sme
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    So, here's my little spiel... I have ALWAYS, I mean, as far back as I can remember, liked girls.
    It's been an uphill battle. I've tried, and tried to be 'normal'. I was raised, just like so many people in this forum, in a 'Christian' (Ignorant pieces of shit, more like it... Just my opinion) home. It has been basically carved into my skull, that it is wrong. So, so, wrong.
    Like,... You're flesh is going to be eaten by some sort of corrosive acid until there's nothing left, and then you're going to be thrown into a firery pit of death, and sealed in it by a giant metal door until there's nothing left of you... Wrong.
    But only for me!
    I've never believed it was wrong for anyone else.
    JUST me.
    In my entire twenty year young life, I have only truly loved/crushed hard on three guys. Each, to a different degree, and each due to a different attraction, and connection.
    One of these males, is now my boyfriend. He is my best best bestttt friend in the entire world. My biggest supporter, and he never fails to help me when I need it most.
    I... Well. I told him. I told him my secret. About all the years I've known I mostly swung toward girls. I'm like... The 80/20 bisexual. Maybe even a 90/10 one(I lean toward those beautiful ladies, of course!).
    When I told him, he wasn't even that shocked. He's been so supportive! I couldn't be more thankful for him. He just wants me to talk to him about it, and confide in him every step of the way. He has even told me, if I meet a girl, and I want to find out if it's my cup of tea or not, he'll gladly just be my best friend while I figure that out. I can't even believe it...
    He tells me that, he hasn't seen me happier than I have been these last few days... Since I told him, everything feels a lot better... though I am still concious of other peoples' thoughts...
    I get in this state of mind where I think people know, and it makes me so scared. :frowning2: And anxious. I've been asked out by some very beautiful ladies before.... but I just... Well, I freaked out on them... I wasn't ready to accept it yet. I was still supposed to think it was... 'wrong'.

    *sigh*

    As I am only just beginning to accept this, rather than deny it... What I really wanted to ask everyone is; how did you each really figure it out. I mean TRULY know that it was, or wasn't your cup of tea. How did you each get past your 'that's not right' mindset, and just learn to be you? And try it?
    How did you guys cope with the inner ridicule, if you've had it?
    I've taken such a long journey with this... It's been basically carved into my school in bold faced, all cap print that I should think that is wrong. Not only by the churches that I went as a child,(tried multiple churches to see if I could cleanse myself of the 'gay'- needless to say, it's just a part of me...) but by the kids in my school in middle school... In middle school, I was getting physically and verbally abused by every student in my 80 student graduating class because there was a rumor, started by a girl, a close childhood friend, that I was a lesbian, and that I liked to touch girls. These kids, guys and girls, would beat me, kick me, push me, cut me, call me names... Anything they could think of, I suppose... And in a conservative town like this, the teachers, they didn't care. Because I was a freakishly tall fat 'lesbian'. (I am drop dead gorgeous now, so they shove every mean name right up their ass:wink:) So I from then on, played, the 'I hate girls' thing to lay low. I went to a different school nearby, actually two different schools, and I ALWAYS had a boyfriend.
    That girl, spreading that rumor, was a girl that was my closest childhood friend. One night, she molested me, and I'll tell you what, I've never been the same. I couldn't even let my most trusted boyfriends touch me downstairs... Or really on my boobs either. I will get past it eventually I am sure, but for now, I just am not ready.
    Please help me. Maybe on advice on how to get past that too, so I can trust girls enough to give my attraction a try if I ever wish to pursue it..
    I just want to know what steps a person might take, to really understand their sexuality, and feel comfortable being whatever way they are.
    Thank you everyone! (*hug*)
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    I'm so happy that you have finally found some sort of relief to be able to tell your story. And I'm so glad that you have a very supportive boyfriend, as well. Now, to answer your questions, I believe it takes time. It took me 5 years to finally accept myself as a gay woman. Even though, I've know since I was 19. However, I tried so hard not to be and it was by far the lowest point of my life.

    At some point (not sure when exactly) I knew that the only way I'd feel any better was to accept myself. So, I joined a forum, unfortunately I had no idea EC existed, but I anonymously messaged this girl who had read my story. She sent me an email and that's how we started talking about our different experiences. It was such a relief to talk to someone who understood exactly what I was feeling.

    I mean, I had already came out as bisexual at age 18, but it didn't feel right at the time. So, I dated a girl for about 6 months, but we were incompatible. So, I decided to date guy and that's when my closeted phase began. During that time, I gave myself a hard time; I did not want to be gay at all. Even though, my family was very accepting of me. It was just something that I felt like, I was not strong enough to endure. The constant stares, whispers and overall discrimination, but I've gotten over it. There's always going to be someone out there who feels like they have the right to judge you. I've just learned not to care about what others think of me, even though it took a ton of effort doing so. It takes a lot of practice and you have to be patience with yourself.

    Eventually, once I decided that I only wanted to date women, everything clicked inside of my head. I felt a huge sigh of guilt and shame float away. And I am really sorry for everything that what you went through growing up. I cannot stand bullies!!! The girl who touched you inappropriately, the one who started the rumor must have been having some issues of her own. So, perhaps you should talk to someone about what happened to you as a child. I'm sure it will help you sort through your feelings and until then hang in there. By the way, welcome to EC!!! (*hug*)
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, May 1, 2013
    Last edited: May 1, 2013
  3. pinklov3ly

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    I'm glad to help and yes, joining your college's LGBT club is a great idea. I'm sure you will find people who will be able to share your experiences. It's always nice to have someone irl who understands what you're going through, as well. Your school may also provide mental health services for free or a small price.

    Taking things one day at a time is a great idea because I can imagine how overwhelmed you have been feeling. So, enjoy the time that you do have with your boyfriend, but don't be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. And please stick around EC, it is such an amazing website; we're like, a little family :slight_smile:
     
  4. thefella

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    The boyfriend chiming in here, I have got to say im really glad SME has found this place, i am very supportive of her but one person to vent to can only go so far! lol, i had a lot of hints along the way, before she finally told me, i have to say i didnt expect to be the minority in her 'attracted to' spectrum, but i did feel there was something going on. in any case i feel incredibly lucky to be with her and will be there for her all the way! she makes me feel very special and i have a whole S**T ton of trust in this amazing girl.
     
  5. sme

    sme
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    Thank you so much! Your encouragement really helps. I have decided I am going to see if I can join the LGBT club at my college to just get out there, and meet some people that may be, or already have gone through some of the things I went through. I think I need to talk to someone about that too... It has been something I've tried to completely block out, just like the attraction to girls.
    I am trying so hard not to over talk about this with my boyfriend. I care about him a lot, and I really want us to work for as long as we can. He is going in to the Navy next fall, so keeping all of our issues under control is going to be tough. But I think it will be worth it.
    I'm going through all of this, and I feel terrible for dragging my boyfriend into it too. He's a great guy, and a loyal companion. He loves me so very much.
    I've just decided to take it one day at a time, one step at a time.
    I went on this board to find support, and find other peoples' experiences in hopes they might help me.
     
  6. BlazingFire

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    Hey that is cool that you have someone that is really supportive for you.
    I think for me, I always knew that I like boys basically when I think most other boys knew they like girls. It's weird though because I think I have always accepted the fact that I like boys instead of girls, but always thought the other guys were weird because they were going out with girls. It wasn't until I heard people saying that liking the same sex was not normal and wrong, that I began feeling more aware that I am probably not "normal." I never talked to anybody about anything regarding me because I was always afraid that people won't accept me because I was gay. So I guess with me I have always known about my feelings and accepted it without questioning.
    But now only recently have I decided to be open about it and not feel ashamed about it. For a long time I would convince myself that what I'm feeling is a longing for a best friend, because I didn't have much guy friends that I was close to, and until I find a friend like that, I won't be able to find girls attractive, but boy was I wrong.
    I guess the thing that got me to finally be able to not feel ashamed was because of the stories of people that I've read and seen, and the openly gay couple I see outside, all looked happy. And I felt that I deserve to let myself be happy too. And I guess that how I got to where I am today.
    Anyways, I hope you find what you are looking for, and that you find whatever makes you feel good and happy. Don't let other people get you down, you deserve to be happy.
     
  7. HeyAshley

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    judging by what you said i don't think you'll ever be truly 100% happy until you try things with a girl. but just remember that if you lose the guy you have now, he may remain your best friend until you "figure it out" but if he's giving you the space to search - don't think that he won't do the same.

    i'm not saying that you shouldn't take anyone's advice on how to go about things but the best way to go about it is to figure out / do it yourself.