In love with a bisexual girl that has a fiance and baby... Oh my god what do I do?!?!

:help::help::help:

Okay, so this situation I have is both relatively complicated and very simple to understand at the same time... I want to cover the entire backstory before hearing ANY of your opinions. You need the FULL scope to completely understand my predicament. I am desperate for advice, so I can't really explain this huge essay to any of my close friends as I usually would. I'm looking for well-rounded, well-thought out advice from seasoned romantics on the internet. I've had in person relationship and online relationships -- all of them have ended with meeting people in PERSON. Please do not judge on what you're about to read, but just give insightful advice on how to deal with the situation I'm currently facing...

I think it's a unique situation, and I'm not sure of any other option... I've never posted on a forum site regarding such personal information. Yes, it sounds silly, but I feel it's my only option at this very moment. I need an outsider's point of view, and I don't care if it's from a straight or gay audience. Please help! :help:

Here is my issue:

This happened in late January of 2013. I met a girl who I instantly clicked with on an intellectual level by flirting with her very light heartedly in a chat room. I admit, I was purely in it for immediate gratification by finding a cute face with an easy going personality to have "fun times" with via text. I work hard and wasn't really interested in getting into a relationships. I'm all for the single life! (!):eusa_danc :icon_wink

But... It wasn't until I saw that spark between us (only a few moments after flirting) that I started to want more than just a flirty conversation. This wasn't just any normal conversation. She was confident, quirky, geeky (like me), and, in my eyes, totally flawless in natural beauty. A total catch. I quickly realized I wanted to know more about her in those few minutes of chat instead of just wanting to get in her pants (or in this case, nudes, since we met online.) I wanted to know all about her past, her thoughts, her cravings, her favorite things in the world and what she thought about the world in general. Yeah, crazy talk, right? It's the internet. I didn't care, though. I could cut my losses and enjoy this time with her even if it was meant to be wasted time online. So I continued... And she had me by the tip of my toes. I could almost float around her all day just listening to her. I was so intrigued. This feeling lasted for days on end. We spilled our deepest, darkest secrets about each other. We shared our past. We shared our memories and thoughts on controversial topics, usually agreeing on some passive note to admire the amazement behind our likeness... It was amazing. She was amazing, I swear I couldn't get enough!

I had learned she had a baby, months before this amazing conversation between us (8 months to be exact)... and then I also learned that she was in a relationship. Oh, bummer. Oh, wait, it's a guy. Oh, wait... a fiance. :bang::bang::bang::eusa_doh:

Usually the term "Fiance" will knock anyone off the Flirt Boat for those who respect monogamous relationships. **I am one of those respectful individuals ** Unfortunately, the word didn't knock me out hard enough! I stayed on top of it desperately, completely hooked onto her charm even while knowing this girl was already taken. And she liked me, too. She liked me a lot, actually. I could tell. We could tell where it was going.

We spoke so much more and so much more often after that first conversation. She did like me. And I liked her. Of course, this mutual attraction couldn't ignore the big elephant in the room: FIANCE & BABY. Man, what I would have given to meet her before this type of circumstance...

So her baby isn't really the problem here as some people would assume (I actually love the little guy), so much as the factor of me being a total involuntary home wrecker!

I feel absolutely awful about this, and always have felt awful ever since I learned about the fiance deal in the first place, and then accepted it. But I've bottled that feeling down because if we all get along as we do, it doesn't feel like anything would go wrong if we just communicated...

The thing is, her fiance knows and accepts his wife-to-be as bisexual. He understands that she is attracted to both men and women, and that she has been with both sexes before. However, they have a strong bond of communication (she's been with the guy for roughly 7 years with a few gaps of on and off dating...), and they have agreed that she can have a girlfriend to fulfill her sexual urges. Apparently, this girl has had two of said "girlfriends" in the past. (To me, these aren't "girlfriends" but more like affairs, but whatever. I'm open minded)

So here is the deal with her and mister fiance:
---> She can have a girlfriend to fulfill her sexual attraction (towards females).

This was absurd to me when I first heard of it in those early stages of us crushing pretty hard on each other, and I'm pretty sure she knew it teetered on the scale of "BS" excuse to cheat, too...

First of all, I am NOT a cheater, nor do I condone it!

It was crazy to think some people would accept others into such a sacred relationship. Man, this is turning into an essay. I have been cheated on and it's NOT nice, so I wouldn't do it to another. However, I tried to understand it as much as I could from her point of view. I understood that because they have spoken about it, there wouldn't be an issue because it's not really cheating if the other person KNOWS what their partner is doing... I get it, and I dared not ask more of it, and she dared not bring it up for the sake of us getting into a petty argument we both knew would lead to broken hearts on both sides... :icon_sad:

We were extremely attracted to each other, and as much as my brain told me the heartbreaking story of our future if I were to pursue this girl, my heart was so given to her already that I just wanted to try, at the very least. She was worth a try. So we ignored this craziness, because we both knew it was crazy, and we indulged in what we had. She still has her baby, her fiance, and now me, on the outside -- everyone is aware with what's going on, including the fiance.

Fast forward to today: May 3, 2013.

I don't know if she has sex with him. The thought of it drives me mad, but I dare say NOTHING about it until I've spent a good amount of time with her in person to discuss the issue. I've considered this a taboo subject until I get over there to talk to her. That is her fiance, and that is her family, and I will not mess with what she has stabilized for her life. I will not mention it to her even if it breaks me inside for the time being. I just want to know how to deal with it. :eusa_doh:

Mind you, all three of us are VERY understanding people... Her, me, the fiance.

I tell her I love her, and she says it back wholeheartedly. I don't know if this is the beginning of a long term relationship... I believe we are falling for each other. I have never asked her if she loves him, and I believe she does. I do not want to ask this question in fear that, in retaliation, I will feel jealousy towards the guy... and I really, really don't want that.

I respect her life and she respects mine. I want to see her, I want to hold her, and I want to tell her everything will be okay with what she's dealing with. It doesn't even matter to me if her and I end up being just friends, because I know that's what we'll be at the VERY least. We've gotten so close in the past few months.

She had gone almost blind in one eye by the end of February/beginning of March. A blood vessel popped from behind her eye, causing it to hemorrhage and damage her retina. Needless to say, this caused migraines, emotional strain, stress, depression, anxiety... on top of having a baby toddler that she cared for at home. She couldn't schedule for surgery until a month later (beginning of April) due to personal reasons, so she was stuck with an entire month of excruciating pain on a constant, daily basis...

I felt for her, really. And I helped out, spoke to her sparingly to avoid further migraine, and gave her encouraging words. The entire month of March had passed so painfully slow for her and I.

Some days I could not speak to her. Other days we spoke even though she felt horrible. I knew I loved her, and I couldn't bring myself to say I was in love with her and all she was, despite her human flaws. She was a goddess in my eyes, and I did not care what she looked like during this awful time in her life.

During this month of March, I had gathered gifts to send to her residence so she would feel better upon recovering from surgery. I decorated a cute shipping box to match my feelings for her (I like arts and crafts). I gathered piece of Pandora jewelry, catered to what she enjoys out of life. I wrote a handwritten letter of 8 pages, full of mushy feelings that I just couldn't contain anymore. The entire gift was worth around $300 that I spent for her. I just wanted her to be happy and rejoice from what she had been through. She deserved to feel beautiful and happy...

So I sent it on Monday, April 29, 2013. I also sent a separate box as a gift to her fiance (because he was going through a rough patch, too - had to get dentures at the age of turning 23 right after his birthday - which is NOT fun, and I felt for the guy, in all honesty).

They both received their gifts on May 2, 2013.

My girlfriend got her gift, as expected. She cried at the letter I wrote out of happiness. I had confessed that she made me happy, and that was all I truly wanted. Nothing else had mattered to me. She loved the cute, little, beautifully crafted box I made for her gifts.
Here is a photo of it:


(It looks better in person, I swear, lol).

He got a pair of gaming glasses (a super cool gift from yours truly) which he really appreciated. Although his box was not as pretty as hers. I did that on purpose. But I'm pretty sure he loved his gift even though we never directly speak to each other (yet).

He did not know about the letter I wrote to her professing my admiration of his fiancee, but he did see the decorated box and the beautiful, thoughtful gift I gave to her... And he also saw that she was ecstatic about her gifts. I was worried about his reaction, but I didn't ask in case it was damper her mood. I just wanted her happy.

Today, May 3, 2013...

I receive notice from her that my gifts to her made him feel uncomfortable. I am assuming, by this information, that he got jealous and immediately wanted to take back his decision on letting her have a girlfriend in the first place.

I became infuriated this morning at the thought of having to leave her for such a STUPID reason. It was out of both of our control.

We're all adults, and we can all make our own decisions. However, because she's in a relationship with him, my cute little mouth has to stay shut until she resolves whatever is going on in his head. It's her decision to continue talking to me or not, and she has to talk it out with him in order to find out what her next move is.

Honestly, my dilemma here is that I don't know if she will decide to cut me out. She is, by no means, a selfish person. I've been as loyal to her as she has been to me, and I know that's hard to wrap your head around, lol...

She has been just as sweet to me as I have been to her. We both know we're falling for each other, albeit very innocently. Her fiance is threatened by this, and apparently only wanted the agreement to fall under the "you can have a girlfriend for sexual purposes, not for emotional" category... *I roll my eyes at this man's logic*

I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. I'm not allowed to talk to her until tomorrow, and that probably won't last very long since they tend to spend their weekends together at home with the baby. I'm not the jealous type, but as I've been dealing with copious amounts of jealousy over the past few months, I also feel it's about time her FIANCE feels their relationship is threatened by this thing we have going on. By no means does this make me feel victorious, either. She is just the light of my world right now. I find happiness in everything she says, even when she is down and out. All I want is for her to be happy, and we have agreed (today) that she will let me know what will happen... We will stay friends, at the very least, until it's all over. We don't want to lose each other, but sacrifices must be made on both parts.

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole I dug myself into and can't decide whether I want in or out right now. I'm in love with this girl and it pains me that she has to make a decision she doesn't want to make.

((Sorry for the short novel I wrote here... Just so full of passion, I had to let it all out! Lmao. Thanks in advance for reading. It means a lot!))

CUE ADVICE

 

Re: In love with a bisexual girl that has a fiance and baby... Oh my god what do I do

I'm surprised anyone replied!! It was such a long essay, THANK YOU for your response!!

It's definitely a lot to consider, and I'm well aware someone in this 3-way relationship is going to end up as a third wheel or worse off. I'm also extremely aware of the fact that I can become that third wheel or worse off at any given moment, even when I do take the chance go to spend time with her in person.

Everything is constantly changing, and I'm constantly ways away from this girl. It's just an unfair situation overall. She feels like family to me, and I to her. Truthfully, I still don't know how to cope with it. At the time of writing this essay, I just wasn't sure how to actually deal with it... I'm still sailing in that lost boat.

---------- Post added 25th May 2013 at 03:01 PM ----------

Thank you for the kind words, and for your overall response

I did wonder whether she was a lesbian, and we discussed it. She is just attracted to both sexes. I know she loves this guy and that she loves me, too. It's just a matter of choosing what actually makes her feel at ease, and happiest... I can't prove what she feels if I'm this far from her. So, like you suggest, I really try not to rush her. It's impossible to rush things from this far away, totally unnecessary pressure.

But I wholeheartedly agree! It's a different time and she deserves to feel happy, as every woman should.

I am a writer, so I may end up writing a book :icon_wink

Thank you for your kind words.(*hug*)