Hi everyone, sorry if im taking much of your time in reading this, but since i went out of my house after my mom threatened to kill me for having a boyfriend, my life has been a non stop roallercoaster. Me and my boyfriend have been living together for almost 7 months, but we had a lot of problems specially when it comes for the things i should give. Before i arrived to his city (where i don't know anybody except for him and his family) i got a job from my career but sometimes it can be really stressful sometimes. We rented a small apartment in the city and i pay the bills, i buy him clothes and i make sure he has everything he needs. I always like to be romantic and take him out to dinner occasionally and make sure he still sees his family since i have mine far and they havent spoken to be in months since i left my house. My boyfriend stays home all day ( in the mornings he helps his mom in her grocery store which im ok to since he does not want to be appart from the family but i leave him to do that as a choice) he loves to cook and play the wousewive ( as he calls himself) I'M OK with all of that and im always making clear that those are not his obligations, that he has to be free and be happy that's why he came to live with me and that im thankful for what he does for me. Since we were appart because we spent almost a year appart he has always been the kind of guy who makes comments like "OMG check out those guys abs", "he's so hot". And he is always on facebook looking for hot guys and saying that their his fans. Im not bother by that also, what hurts the most is that a couple of months ago he forced me into going to the gym to accomplish his greatest expectation and to save our marriage. He is always saying things like "i wish you were like him", "wish you had arms like that", and "you are always letting me down because that's the only thing i'm asking for", i try to go to the gym once i get home from work but i swear i swear sometimes the only thing i want to do is sleep and he thinks im excusing myself and that i don't care. Sometimes when i come home too tired i tell him i go to the gym and instead im going to sit at a near park from here. and i feel bad for that because im lying him, but if i say something he would go on a drama and say that he wants to leave and that it is his only dream again. I'm always used to get the men of the house role in our relationship but sometimes things get heated up and i got so many things in my mind and i wish that he could see that. He likes to see other guys bodies on the internet and he watches porn ( wich does not upset me neather because we are men and that is pretty normal) but i have caught them sometimes and he does not have the confidence to tell me that he likes it but my major concern is that he takes that too seriously. and i think he is because he says that he wants me to look like those guys. I don't want to change his mind, i just want to make him realize that theres other important things than that. I understand that when you live as a couple you need to give and get and make changes in order to live peacefully in a great enviroment but sometimes i burst into tears and we have huge fights about this. What can i do ?:bang::icon_sad:
Does he have abs and goes to the gym and all of that? What he is kind of saying is - why don't you do what is in the movies, he needs to realize that things on camera are meant to look very perfect because they make money out of it, a lot of those pornstars aren't even gay to start with they do it to get out of poverty.... I don't know what to say, you are working hard at the relationship, and he seems to not understand how much stress you are going through, maybe you should try to tell him if he has a job to cover expenses you'd have more time to go to the gym, maybe together even... I can really feel your frustration, but I am unsure of how is your boyfriend like, and what is his side of the story...but just talk to him be honest about you finding the gym very difficult..a lot of gay guys resort to an open relationship because of sexual dissatisfaction...I am not saying that is what it has to come to..but that it is a very common problem even amongst the 'sexiest of couples'... I remember a relationship counselor saying that desire and love are two opposite things...what you don't have is always going to be sexier, and someone caring for you and loving you eventually becomes not that sexy..and I am kinda baffled why is that, but it seems to be true. (She did say the way to go around this is to have time off each other regularly, so that the person misses you and remembers what he has been taking for granted).
Re: My boyfriend asks for too much? Thanks for the advice, i know my boyfriend he is not a bad person he cares for me but i also tried to ask him to get a job or still going to school ( paid for me because he can't and i want to help him) but he says he doesnt want to and to please dont make him do that. SO it gets on my heart, basically i tried to find a 100 cooking schools for him and he rejected it because it was like going to school again.:icon_sad:
Asking for "too much" is subjective. The real issue here is that he's asking for something that you're not comfortable with, and he isn't respecting your wishes because of that. Some people really value looks, other people don't at all. I personally think that looks should come second in a serious relationship, but that's just my opinion. Anyways, it sounds like there are a whole bunch of other things that are leading up to this point that are making you unhappy. You seem to be giving a lot and he seems to be taking a lot. IMO, a relationship is about two equals, and that doesn't sound very equal to me. There are whole bunch of assumptions I could make, but I'm going to avoid making any definitive statements because I'm not in your situation and I can only gather so much information from a forum post. It wouldn't be fair nor accurate for me to judge you, your boyfriend, or your relationship. The bottom line is that if you are unhappy, you should probably consider ending the relationship. Some things are worth putting in the effort to "fix", but a good, healthy relationship shouldn't require that much maintenance in the first place. Life is too short to live miserably. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you suddenly stop putting yourself first - it means you start considering the needs of your significant other as well, but not at the risk of sacrificing your own. EDIT: I've merged your two threads too, by the way.
Re: My boyfriend asks for too much? Hola, I think this may be where the problem lies. I learnt recently (and experienced it myself) that machismo, or assuming the "man of the house" role, is a strongly ingrained cultural aspect of Latin American countries (I was born in Mexico City, and I know what it means). Oddly it seems to apply to same-sex couples also. Your lament is not much different from the husband's lament in a straight marriage, it's very, very similar. I don't know if you are willing to change your view of yourself in this relationship, but I think this is where you need to start thinking about how your "role" may be reinforcing, or as we say, enabling, your partner's behaviour.
I think you really need to tell him how you feel, and how badly his comments it makes you feel. What he is saying to you is not okay, he shouldn't be putting you down in any way. He obviously does not have is priorities straight if the only thing he asks you for is to have abs. That seems ever superficial to me. Do you want to spend more time with someone who only verbally says he cares about his looks? Now I don't know your whole dynamics of your relationship, but from what you've said here he does not seem like someone who should be in a serious relationship at the moment. I hope you talk to him about how you feel soon, wish you the best.
His only dream is for you to have the body of a model? What about him? Does he have a perfect physique? Does he work out? Does he have ANY dreams for himself? Hobbies (other than collecting followers on Facebook? Projects? Interests? People have different standards for what they find acceptable in relationships, but personally I would be appalled if someone I was with treated me the way he seems to be treating you.
It sounds to me like he is out of control with lots of wants and is not willing to work as a couple. Bordering on usership status. I am the wife in my relationship. I would NEVER tell Mike I wanted him to change his body. I do spend my days cooking, cleaning, shopping, and anything he needs me to do. I have no need to watch porn, I have him and I wait for him. I spend my days pleasing him by following his instructions of what he needs me to do that day. We make decissions as a couple if it is big and pretty much I go along with him. I could not imagine treating him the way you are being treated. Really it sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do. If you want a adult relationship I am afraid it might require finding a diffrent partner. I just can't look at a diffrent man sexaully, when we broke-up breifly last month I tried to move on and can't. That is true love. The fact he is looking at other men and want's you to change your looks tells me he is not in love with you. I am sorry to say that. I am in love and I notice little things about him every day that makes him more handsome to me by the day. Mom calls it looking through your heart not your eyes. You might try counceling if you want to keep tring with him. Keep us posted, June
Re: My boyfriend asks for too much? I pretty much sometimes i think i play that role because he likes to, because of course im not in favor of acquiring some role that would portrait you as you have authority among the other, i dont believe thats how relationships work. But i have no option to do it, im not against working or playing some role. i think that is because he always says he wants a more manly men, and i have to be that for him, sometimes i find really sad that he wont like the way i walk or say something because i dont ever judge him or i dont want to him to fall into an oppressed role ---------- Post added 4th May 2013 at 10:08 AM ---------- i know and thanks, thats why i offered him to treat new things, hobbies even go to cooking classes but i'd like to find a way he stops seeing that as a requirement for me in order for him to be happy ---------- Post added 4th May 2013 at 10:10 AM ---------- I'm aware of that, because he is always looking through guys in facebook that are fit, he talks to people about that stuff about exercise and tell them how much he admires them, and that hurts. that's why i desperately try to fall into his dream men, but it gets me sad that i can't inmedialty do that.
i have lost everything in life for this relationships and with tears in my eyes right now i just wish everything can be fixed again because now he doesnt even want to speak a word with me and i feel alone, because here i dont have friends or anyone
It sounds like you're pretty unhappy with this relationship. Everything isn't going to magically get fixed on it's own, because it sounds like his personality just doesn't click with yours. You're at a crossroads: you can try and make the relationship better, you can end the relationship, or you can stay at this fork in the road where you're miserable anyways. I'd personally vote for ending the relationship because if he was my boyfriend, he wouldn't be worth my time, but that's not my decision to make.
Hola, Don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault. In order to be with him, you put yourself in a vulnerable position, in a city where, without him, you are alone. This was not a mistake, you needed to be there to be with him because you love him. Obviously, this is not a relationship of equals, and no amount of your giving, or "fixing", will change that. In relationships (as opposed to many other things in life where the reward is directly proportional to the effort you put in), there is always the danger of giving and doing too much for the other; especially if the other is not prepared to give, and you are not insisting on taking what you need (i.e. in that role of "the man" you mentioned above). You are certainly not getting what you need, and deserve, out of this relationship. And so, you may need to have a plan of escape...
Re: My boyfriend asks for too much? You said it right there! You are not his dream man and that is fu__ed up if you ask me. If he was in love you would be. You should never have to change into something else for someone to love you. I am my partners dream wife and he is my dream husband. See we are in love and love is between spirits not in the flesh. If it was in the flesh I would never have gotten him because he is straight and I don't have a woman's body. Talk about not looking right for him! I would say you really need to take a good look at what is going on. If you really want to get through this you need to go to a marrage Dr. like we are. The sessions are a good way to get to understand your partner and work through any problems in the relationship. We found that we only had one problem and we are as closer than ever! June
him not wanting a job should make him know what its like to be forced to do something for a relationship, i don't think it is very fair he is making demands or he will leave, mind you imo a very superficial one... I feel bad that you are trying your best to not see the relation crumble but he is not....maybe you should think about what you mean to him then...and wither you are ok with that. It is not fair that he is not talking....what is his logic? Must be really hard to feel you sacrificed everything for the relationship....
i know, im gonna try to put things together and come with a solution where everything could be equal, i just had a talk with him and we agree we're both going to put some effort in order to save this, im going to the gym because maybe im thinking that when he does that kind of comments i take it too personal and yes i do realize that i need to care about more on how i look. and he has to understand me. I know that i have put up so much in this relationship but i love him and if he loves me then we're gonna make it work. although im not welling to loose my dignity for this i believe that theres some point where i need to give and also he needs to give.
That idea of balance and equality is exactly what can save your relationship. So, I have to ask what is he giving? What is he going to do to make it work?
I like Femmeme's question, because we won't let you or your friend off the hook, what, exactly will he do for you...promises don't count :icon_wink
While him assuming the housespouse role is perfectly fine, I think he needs to contribute more to the relationship if it is ever going to work. He can't take all and not give all, if you know what i mean. Don't break up immediately, but try to GENTLY state that you want him to stop freeloading (in more polite words, of course). Don't let him turn into a leech. Is he looking for work seriously, because if so, try to cut him a bit of slack until he gets work IF he is seriously looking for work. Don't be afraid to break up with him if needed, though I would recommend a temporary one if he gets himself together. Don't get down in the dumps for someone who does not care for you in a non-superficial way.
