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Dealing with disappointment - please help :(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dans le placard, May 6, 2013.

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  1. Dans le placard

    Dans le placard
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    Dating and dealing with disappointment - please help :frowning2:

    So I went on my first date with a guy the other day through an internet dating site. We seemed to have a nice time. I will admit that I really, really liked him. He was handsome, intelligent, kind, "straight acting" and born the same year as me. We shared a lot of mutual interests as well. We didn't kiss or hold hands or anything like that, but I felt some pleasant spark of sorts. He texted me yesterday, though, and said that he genuinely liked me as a person, but only as a friend and not as a boyfriend. I texted him back saying that I didn't expect anything but friendship at this point (which to some extent, I do). I texted him this morning about something, and he hasn't texted me back. Maybe it's my mind, but I'm wondering if he's trying to ignore me now.

    I'm confused, and a million thoughts are racing round my head. I keep on analysing every move I made on the date, and what was wrong about it. I worry that the fact I have only recently been out the closet put him off (he came out at 18). I keep on wondering whether he actually does like me, but is acting the way he is because he doesn't want to rush into anything. I keep on wondering whether I'm not attractive enough, or not straight-acting enough, or am too reserved. I'm also scared to return looking on dating sites again. Loads of the guys I've seen on there don't seem to compare, or just don't seem right for me. I've been so long in the closet, that I just want the love I truly deserve.

    So sorry I'm making such a depressing post. I just want to get it off my chest, and to maybe get some support and advice. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Dans le placard, May 6, 2013
    Last edited: May 6, 2013
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    I know this is hard to hear, but usually when someone says "I like you as a friend but not as a boyfriend" that's a polite way of saying "I'm not interested." If you then respond and say something to the effect of "didn't expect anything but friendship at this point", then he's feeling like you didn't get the message he's not interested, and are still trying to make something happen. It's unlikely he's "not wanting to rush into anything", what he said is pretty much the common phrasing people use when they're simply not interested.

    So most likely, he's not responding because he doesn't want to have the same conversation again in a week or a month if he still hangs out with you as a "friend."

    I know this is hard and it hurts, but one of the things you have to get your hands around is the idea that no matter what, there are people who will connect and people who don't, and it may have little or nothing to do with *you.*

    I have a friend who, for example, only dates really broken people. It never works, and he's always unhappy... but the interesting thing is, when he dates someone who's emotionally healthy, he almost immediately breaks up with them... because it's easier and safer to keep with the pattern than to work on his issues.

    So the point is, you could be Mr. Perfect, and if the guy you're dating isn't ready for that, isn't feeling the chemistry, or whatever... it isn't going to work.

    Don't take it personally. The important part is, you're out there meeting people and going on dates, and that in itself is an important step.
     
    #2 Chip, May 6, 2013
  3. AKTodd

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    Re: Dating and dealing with disappointment - please help :frowning2:

    You're psyching yourself out. Sometimes things 'click' with a guy, sometimes they don't. Them's the breaks, unfortunately:/

    When you meet a guy you 'click' with, he will find you attractive as you are. You will just the right amount of 'straight acting' and just the right amount of 'gay acting', and just reserved/outgoing enough and so on. Even your flaws (and everyone has flaws) will either be attractive to him or something he's willing to look past because the things he'll like about you will outweigh all that.

    Take a week or so to just relax and 'lick your wounds' (while reminding yourself that you've got lots of great qualities and its this guy's loss he's not into you, not yours) then look at putting yourself out there again. Also, maybe consider looking at other venues besides dating sites. Look at meetups, LGBT groups, sportings groups, whatever. The idea here is that you might have better luck meeting someone via a process of 'getting to know/mutual attraction/dating/etc. as part of doing something else or a shared interest vs starting from dating right away.

    Most importantly, just be yourself. That's what you want someone to be attracted to, not some personae that you create based on what you think people will like.

    Hang in there man, and hope this helps,

    Todd :thumbsup:
     
    #3 AKTodd, May 6, 2013
  4. Filip

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    I concur with the others: there's nothing you did wrong here. In fact, I'd say you did it right: just going out, trying to have a nice night, being who you naturally are, being honest and open.
    Unfortunately, it just so happens that for him, no extra dimension managed to materialise.

    Because, when it comes down to, it is all about some extra dimension that's hard to define. I can't really tell why I liked the guys I liked either. In all cases, I had friends who were more handsome, more witty, with whom I shared more hobbies, or who were purely from a theoretical standpoint better matches.
    Yet... with some guys I really wanted more to happen, and with others I didn't, even if I couldn't tell you what caused the 'click' to happen.

    It's disappointing when nothing materialises, but.. it's really not something that you can do anything about. It's a cliché as old as the street, but: it's not you, it's him. Which isn't actually something he can do a whole lot about either. At the very least, he sees like a decent guy for immediately being honest about it.

    I will also say this: sometimes having a disappointment is really for the better. It's often so that, when you're newly out of the closet, it's easy to latch on to the first guy who shows even a passing interest.
    After all, you've been shut in that dank, moldy closet for so long, and the first datable gay guy is bound to feel like the perfect burst of fresh air! Also, he's suddenly 100% of the guys you ever dated. All the hopes and dreams you ever had can't help but be projected on this guy. And pretty much everyone who has a shred of romantic sensitivity just secretly wants everything to unfold like in a fairytale where everything goes right on the first try.

    That's... a lot of dreams to heap on one person, and sometimes frustration sets us up for a more balanced experience later on. It still sucks, but there is a silver lining, there!


    What you should definitely not do is starting to act differently. There's nothing you did wrong, so there's nothing to change. Sure, there's all kinds of exciting stories you could spin (if I never have to see the other person again, I can be a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), but there's no way to keep up a false first impression. If not this guy, there's someone out there who will take a look and think what he sees is perfection!
     
    #4 Filip, May 7, 2013
  5. EddyG

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    what they said, but also: you have to just be yourself and be confident of that. That's one of the most attractive things about people when you're looking for a relationship. If you are yourself and it doesn't click, that's for a reason. You'll find someone that clicks, but to do that you have to really be honest about who you are, be confident in yourself, realize that not everyone is going to work out. Be yourself.
     
    #5 EddyG, May 7, 2013
  6. Dans le placard

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    Thanks guys for all your words, they really mean a lot.

    I think this is probably the first time I've been really down since coming out. It certainly helps to know that it's normal to latch onto the first person who shows a passing interest, and to want everything to unfold like some sort of fairy tale after so many years in the dark. I suppose that my naive inner romantic told me that coming out would automatically mean plain sailing. :confused:

    I know I have to be myself when meeting people, which is exactly what I set out to do and still intend to do so on other dates. In fact, the thing I liked so much about my encounter the other day was that it was as relaxed as it was, and I think that we were both happy to be truly honest and open with one another, despite nothing coming of it now.

    I suppose all I want now is for the feelings of pain and ennui to go away, and to be able to stop thinking about this guy. A number of things have been happening in my life recently (aside from coming out), and I really want things to get better so badly.
     
    #6 Dans le placard, May 8, 2013
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