1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Advice desperately needed!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DMW, May 11, 2013.

  1. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi everyone!

    I'm new here so bear with me. I'm a college freshman (well, sophomore now that the year is over!) and just had an amazing year. I don't want to give out too much personal information but basically I am in a very passionate emotional relationship with my mentor who is one of my best friends and I am unsure about a few things.

    Sorry for the long story but I want to get all the info out first!

    I met this guy at the very beginning of the year and he appealed to me right away. To give some background, I don't know what my sexuality is but I've been attracted to both guys and girls in the past. The guy is someone who definitely then wouldn't have been considered "hot". He was pretty overweight (still is a bit) though not really fat, just a big guy...like 6'3', 230 pounds big with broad shoulders and a thick German build. He is about four and a half years older than me. What got me right away was his confidence. He is sort of a big deal on campus and everyone knows he has a very powerful family and is ma$$ively loaded. There's this look in his eyes always that just screams "I run the show" and I was both intimidated and impressed at first. The way he speaks is seriously hypnotic, doesn't matter if he's whispering or yelling or in between.

    He and I are part of the same organization and he was involved in the process by which new members enter into the organization's ranks. The entire time, I did all I could to learn from him even though I was afraid to talk with him directly at risk of embarrassing myself. Eventually, I gave him a ride as he was drunk and got to know him a bit and I just wanted more. I started texting him and we began talking all the time on Facebook. I didn't think he was gay (and still am not sure) but I was just awestruck by this guy. Eventually, he took me as his official "mentee" in the organization which I was seriously excited about!

    We became very close and I would even call him one of my best friends despite our age difference. Eventually, I began to have serious feelings towards him. It seems weird as he's almost paternal towards me (always advising me, looking out for me, paying for me, etc. etc. etc.) but I just began to want him. I'm not just talking about sexual desire. I have no question he will be doing BIG things one day politically/business-wise/you name it and I want to be by his side for it all. And he is the #1 guy encouraging me to reach for the stars and I just see him as the perfect partner to get there with. I'm not trying to ride of his success, I want to support him and be there when he goes to bed every night and think there's no one better to do what he wants to do.

    Eventually, the attraction began to seem mutual. We would spend a lot of time at his house which is probably the nicest house any college student has ever lived in. We would sit there with the TV or a movie on but not even focusing on it, just looking each other in the eyes talking about everything. We'd get drunk, occasionally do drugs, and just be with each other. One night, one thing just led to another and he leaned in to kiss me and next thing I know I woke up in his bed the next morning!

    It isn't a sexual thing. We've only had sex once which was the night before I was leaving town. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had, but the most we do on a regular basis is make out and cuddle at night. Most nights, we don't even sleep naked! But the absolute passion we feel is there every second and we don't even need sex.

    However, all good things come to an end. My parents made me come home for the summer while he is staying in our college town. This comes at a time when he is starting to really work out a lot and I would honestly call him smoking hot nowadays. But everyone else is noticing too.

    I have a few concerns about this that I really would love to hear your input on:

    1) I'm worried he isn't gay. He is known for having sex with lots of girls and we've only had sex once.

    2) I'm worried he has slept/will be sleeping with other guys. He hangs out with a lot of great looking guys, some of whom look at him the same way I do and I can't tell what his reaction is. I am pretty sure he has at least hooked up with a known gay guy. I am not out of the closet and technically we don't have a relationship, but the thought of him with another guy kills me and there is no way for me to know.

    3) I have a great fear of embarrassing myself in front of him. This guy is a god to me and I'm worried constantly I'm not good enough.

    4) I'm not sure if this senior/junior status can work long term. He is so dominant in everything he does, and our relationship is no different. He is never rude or mean to me (and I know he can get angry and really be mean to people as I've seen it), and in fact he puts me on a pedestal and has said he loves me. But I am not sure if such an arrangement is sustainable?

    5) I'm concerned I'm not good looking enough for him. He is getting better looking constantly and the guys he associates with are seriously beautiful. What if he gets other ideas?

    I have so many more concerns that are tough to express but here they are for now! In short, I really love this guy and just want it to work out forever.

    Thanks in advance for all of your advice!
     
  2. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I should add one thing. The difference in age and power is accentuated by the size difference. He is 6'3" and bulky. I am 5'6" and skinny.
     
  3. TJ

    TJ
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2011
    Messages:
    1,833
    Likes Received:
    299
    Location:
    Lawrence, KS
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Tough place you're in.

    I don't think you should be worried about whether he's gay - if you had sex, he probably is at least a bit curious :wink:

    But!
    You have a choice.
    You can either:
    1) Try to move in on him, if you think he likes you like that. This could jeopardize a great friendship though. :/

    2) Just keep rolling with what's goin on. If he's interested, he'll show you, and maybe you can talk about it more.
    Don't ruin the awesome relationship you have with this guy.

    I have a friend who's like this, and he's really just a great guy. He's caring and selfless, and I know that making any advance on him would spoil our friendship.
     
  4. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Aww, that's a cute story(*hug*)

    Hmm, if he's not trying to get into your pants every night, it's probably a good sign. Usually, those who are looking for just sex will try to get it every chance that they can get.

    I think the best thing you could do is ask him what you mean to him.
     
    #4 Viridian, May 11, 2013
    Last edited: May 11, 2013
  5. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you both very much for your input!

    Viridian, it's great to hear that it is a good sign!

    TJ, thanks for the tips! Before I had to come home due to parents' demands, I had basically moved in there. I still had my dorm but I spent almost every night in his bed. I have his house code and he says just let myself in which I do all the time.
     
  6. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I do have to wonder though. Are you still in communication with him?

    Now that I think about it, it might not be good to ask him on the phone. Tease him by saying that you miss him and that if he's not busy, he should come visit you over the summer. If he really likes you, unless you are super far away, he'll probably come.

    Rope him in with your charms :grin:
     
  7. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    We talk every day! :slight_smile:

    Usually it's on Facebook or text. We don't talk on the phone too much. I'm going to try to go up to see him on Monday for a few days. I was supposed to stay with him for the first few weeks of summer but my parents are making me get a job. Honestly, I'm embarrassed to tell him the situation. They are making me mostly support myself. As I've said, my guy is seriously loaded (really nice house, always wearing nice clothes, luxury car, Platinum card, etc.) and I don't want him to think less of me. But at the same time, I feel bad not having gone up to see him yet this summer.

    Sort of a side issue: my way of telling him I'm getting a job was that I was going to work in the airport (which is true) but in the luxury first class lounge as a bartender. I thought that sounded sweet enough to where he would think it was pretty cool. As it turns out, they have me doing some support job. And low and behold, he arranges to fly out of my airport instead of the one he usually flies out of, and always flies first class so he expects to see me in the first class lounge.

    Ahhhhh....I know he won't care if I have to work but I don't want him to see me as desperate at all!
     
  8. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think it is going well then. You should ask him to visit you.

    There is no shame in getting a job. It means you are responsible and motivated to work to support yourself, rather than having it handed to you. It's a good thing:thumbsup:

    Depending on how big the hole you digged in regards to the white lie about your job, you may be able to get out of it:eusa_doh:
     
  9. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks Viridian!

    A few other people I've asked about this situation have questioned a few things about the guy. They've basically said that if I'm so nervous about my inadequacy that it is his fault. I really don't think this is true as he builds me up all the time.

    Does anyone else see it that way?
     
  10. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    1) Have you ever been in a relationship before?

    2) How well does he know you?

    Indicators
    A) I'm worried he isn't gay. He is known for having sex with lots of girls and we've only had sex once.

    Does he still have sex with people on the side even though you are with him almost every night? Or was this all in the past?

    B) I have a great fear of embarrassing myself in front of him. This guy is a god to me and I'm worried constantly I'm not good enough.

    Why do you feel you are not good enough for him?

    C) I'm not sure if this senior/junior status can work long term. He is so dominant in everything he does, and our relationship is no different. He is never rude or mean to me (and I know he can get angry and really be mean to people as I've seen it), and in fact he puts me on a pedestal and has said he loves me. But I am not sure if such an arrangement is sustainable?

    Are you afraid that it might not work out in the long run?

    D) I'm concerned I'm not good looking enough for him. He is getting better looking constantly and the guys he associates with are seriously beautiful. What if he gets other ideas?

    Why do you think you're not good looking enough for him? I mean, he did kiss you, so you got something going on.
     
  11. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    1) No I haven't. I don't even know if this qualifies as one since it's not public!

    2) Very well, probably better than anyone else I know from college. I also feel I know him very well. He is extremely well known and very popular, but I think I've spoken with him at a deeper level than anyone else and he tells me things that he's thinking. Honestly, I love hearing the way his brain works.

    A) I think it is all in the past, but who knows? I'm not up there right now so I have no idea. I actually had a dream of him with another guy the other night. :frowning2:

    B) I'm not sure actually! I've just been surprised each step of the way that he's taken such an interest in me. When he first started talking with me, I was surprised he toook the time since he's so busy and has so many demands for his attention. When he became my official mentor, I honestly thought it was a joke. Now that he spends so much time with me, I keep wondering what he sees in me. He regularly interacts with major political figures and is really considered a campus/local legend and here he is with a lowly freshman! I guess I just can't believe how lucky I am!

    C) Yes, absolutely! I want to marry him though I'm afraid to tell him that because I'm not sure how he would react.

    D) It's not just a matter of looks but everything combined. He is someone who is very big on masculinity though has never expressed any disapproval of homosexuality...he isn't a hypocrite! I know the factors he looks for when he considers whether to support someone for a leadership role and he values a bigger guy who isn't timid in social situations. I am a really small guy with a naturally higher voice and I'm just not sure I match his view of what a man should be! You're right that it hasn't affected our romantic life, I'm just nervous it will if another guy comes around.

    In particular, I'm worried about someone else he mentors who is a lot like him: very dominant in personality and they hang out and drink all the time. He's a lot bigger and I'd say better looking than me and he's up there the entire summer. :/
     
  12. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Before I respond to your post, how long have you two been "together"? Does his friends know? Does he publicly show affection to you? Anyone else know about you two? Does he go out of his way to make you feel special?
     
  13. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    How long: It's been about two and a half months.

    Friends: Only a couple of his very close friends.

    Publicly: Depends on what you mean! We are always together publicly and he always talks me up and we'll be physically together, sometimes arms around each other. But we never kiss in public or anything like that.

    Anyone else: I haven't told anyone in case he doesn't want it to get out! He's a very well known guy around here and it would spread quickly. I know some people close to us suspect it but they haven't confronted me. One of them is an obviously gay guy who I think either has a crush on me, him, or us both.

    Last question: Yes definitely! He is very liberal with the "I love you's" which I love! He always makes a big deal publicly about anything great that happens to me. He constantly says how lucky it is that we ended up together. He is very loving and affectionate and I'm just grateful he thinks I've earned it!
     
  14. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hmm, I think it's safe to say that he's head over heels in love with you. Maybe you can just briefly ask him that you like him a lot and is a bit unsure whether you guys are an item. Just keep it relaxed.

    Seeing that you are inexperienced and that this is probably the first time you had strong feelings for someone (is this a correct assumption?), you feel like you are walking on Cloud 9. Just be careful not to become too clingy or dependent. Sometimes people in love tend to forget their individuality when in a relationship.

    As for your insecurities, I think it might stem from the fact that you and him have such avast social/economic barrier (him being popular, rich, and well known). But I don't think you should let it get to you. He likes you for a reason, so don't doubt yourself. You sound like a great guy, so strut that stuff(*hug*)
     
  15. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks Viridian!

    You are right that this is really the first time I've been this totally in love with someone. Honestly the most frustrating thing is that I want to tell the whole world about it! But in my heart I know I'm not ready to be completely out of the closet, especially because my guy might be going elsewhere for law school in a year and won't be on campus to fend for me. But the thought that this guy who I frankly idolize is in love with me has me on such a high I'm surprised I'm not flying. I am absolutely on Cloud 9! =D
     
  16. Viridian

    Viridian Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You're welcome, DMW!

    I would say to just let the chips fall where it may. Remember, your guy may be amazing, but you are also an amazing person as well:thumbsup: There's a reason why your guy is all over you and that's because you are hot stuff. Never forget(!)

    I'm going to let you go (as I have a 10 page essay to complete...), but feel free to post on EC if you want to share or have any other questions/concerns. You can also drop me a line, if you want.

    Have a good one:smilewave
     
  17. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    :icon_bigg
    :smilewave
     
  18. Aeriestars

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I don't see why you feel as though being less-privileged then him is something to hide. It sounds like you guys have a pretty good connection - don't be ashamed of being who you are around him. Be honest, tell him the situation as it is instead of trying to make it sound more luxurious.
     
  19. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I know it's silly. I just truly believe I got so lucky with him that I don't want him to see me as inferior in so many ways. That probably doesn't come across as I mean it. He values self-confidence a lot and I hate to display weakness in front of him. He would also probably just offer to take me under his wing financially. He's already offered to get me a Platinum card under his account. I don't want our relationship to be like that though, where he is a sugar daddy.
     
  20. DMW

    DMW
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    If anyone has any more advice I'd really appreciate it! :slight_smile: