I need some advice on someone who I thought was going to be a friend. We dated for a combined total of nearly four months, and when we broke up, she told me we could still be friends. I said of course, because she was a great person and I didn't want to lose the friendship. As the months went on, contact decreased, she didn't want to talk as often, and I reduced my contact from every day to once a week. One day she just started unfollowing me on things, and when I asked her why, she kind of got evasive and didn't answer questions. I discovered on her blog(which she still followed at the time) that she was wanting to unfollow this one person, but she was saying that she was afraid they'd be annoying and bug her about the reasons. I pretty much concluded she was referring to me, and got really upset because I didn't feel that I was trying to annoy her in any way. I had barely any contact, and at that point she was ignoring me quite a bit online. I just wanted her to be honest about her intentions, whether it was being friends or not. I didn't like it that she was avoiding me and evading me, when all I was trying to do is get an honest answer out of her. I got so upset that I decided to do the right thing and unfollow back because I felt as an ex, I needed to avoid looking at her stuff because I was constantly getting upset. She supposedly was upset according to her friend who harassed me about why I deleted and(I blocked too, but unblocked the next day). I messaged her through facebook to apologize and tell her that I was going through a lot and that I was just needing more time(I was dealing with my anxiety at the time, and lost my grandmother two months earlier than that and was working through the breakup still) and she told me to 'take all the time I needed' and that she didn't have time to deal with all of this and was too busy to be upset. I asked if we could still be friends(I didn't want a relationship anymore) and I would understand if she wasn't wanting to be friends because of this, but she was being evasive, and I took that as a hint that either she wasn't sure or she was(and potentially not wanting friendship but too afraid to tell me), but I told her I'd give her time to finish out her semester and school, and she thanked me. Readded her back on my blog(it was my olive branch--I wanted to show her I meant what I said about friendship), and then three weeks later found I was blocked(I didn't notice because I had already been hiding her stuff from showing up,I believe she might have been blocking me from the moment she found out I unfollowed her). It was the only place I readded her back, I still won't go near anything else(she only has me blocked in one place, everywhere else, I'm not blocked and I won't dare try to request out of fear of being blocked.) I just don't know what to do next, I don't want to reach out because I'm afraid that she'll try everything possible to block me out. We were friends before we dated, and I'm starting to think that she might not want anything to do with me because she's upset about me deleting her and is still feeling guilt from everything. She's never been honest about her feelings, and most times it took me a long time to get her to be honest. She knew that communication with us was an issue, and we tried, but she never was good at expressing. Anything to do with feelings, she avoids. I don't know what to do next, and any help would be appreciated. Should I just withdraw further from her? I wanted to be friends(even acquaintance level if she wasn't comfortable with being friends with her exes), and be civil, but right now she's being virtually impossible. I might have asked something similar earlier on here, but I felt the other post was too long. I don't have many people to talk about this with, as my counselor's out for summer and my family's tired of me talking about her. Any advice?
There are many reasons why staying (or rather, becoming) friends after a breakup is difficult, including: both people's feelings are going to get hurt in the course of the breakup; both people's thoughts and feelings are going to evolve in the course of the breakup, despite any intentions, even the best ones, at the start; and, unless you have some compelling reason to stay in contact (kids, financial connection, etc.), continued contact is often more stressful than it's worth at first. It's not that everyone necessarily wants to hurt the other people's feelings - it's just that it's hard to say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore" and NOT hurt someone's feelings. No matter what happens, the first step will have to be respecting her decisions and needs, despite the fact that they now may not coincide with what you want anymore. If she needs space, then she needs space. And don't put too much stock in online dealings - there could be a billion reasons why she's unfriending or blocking you on various sites, and in the short term at least, you won't know them, so don't worry about it.
I would kindly advise you to get over her. She's obviously being immature and petty with the hot-and-cold reactions. You don't need someone like this in your life. Why would you want to remain friends with someone who cannot even communicate properly? Life's too short to deal with people who are passive-aggressive or cannot be upfront about their desires. Move on. Run. Don't walk.
I've done quite well already, compared to four months ago I'm a lot better and at least now understanding the possibilities that she's just stonewalling me and being too passive aggressive. I was a lot like her at one point, and was able to pinpoint these behaviors because I used to do this excessively(the hot and cold behaviors) to others before I started seeking counseling and started realizing how much I hurt others(I hurt a lot of people, family, friends). I decided a few weeks back that I was going to back off and withdraw, but I somehow still held a sliver of hope. When I was like this, I had a lot of people give up on me because I was one minute there, the next not. I didn't want to do to her what I did to everyone else, but now I'm realizing maybe I should give up the idea of friendship because that's how I became self aware that I had hurt people---I had too many people give up on me. This morning, I finally decided to just withdraw all together. My attitude is, why follow someone who won't let me in, or view their stuff or be a part of their life. I feel if she wants to talk ever, she knows where to find me, however; right now I felt I need to do what's best for me and my health(I had an episode back in November that was so bad that a therapist at school told me that I had severe anxiety and if I didn't find a way to cope, that it would mess me up health wise). I realized that for my sake, it was time I let go, move forward in the best way I know how, and get myself better and maybe eventually date someone who is not emotionally unavailable, which is what I came to the conclusion she was. I'm done waiting. Thank you for your insights, it's really helped to hear others who had experiences(I never really dated prior to her, it was not only my first same sex relationship, but my first real relationship(my other one with a guy didn't last long), so it was harder to really move forward.) You guys are amazing! I needed the push.
