I'm in a big fight with my boyfriend, and I'm a little depressed and upset about it. What it comes down to is he did the one thing I thought he'd never do; he lied to me. We broke up in January, then got back together again two months later, in April. When we got back together, we sort of “catched up” on anything that had happened in those two months, including anything sexual that might’ve happened. Out of curiosity and interest, but also a little because we don’t always play safe, so discussing matters like that is important. We had a very good conversation, in which both of us said we hadn’t done anything with anyone. I told him it was alright if he had, but he assured me he hadn’t. Three days ago, though, I was going through his phone – not because I was snooping! we use each other’s phones all the time --, and he got a text, so I read it (I know that was wrong) and a conversation between him and this guy opened which was interesting enough for me to keep reading. To my great surprise I found out that most likely quite some stuff *did* happen when me and him were apart. I confronted him about it, and after conveniently dodging the question a few times, he admitted that he’s lied about it and that yes, he did meet up with this guy a few times in the two months we weren’t together (and it wasn’t for coffee if you catch my drift). I am really really mad at him. Not because he had sex, he had every right to do whatever he wanted, but because he lied about it straight to my face. Even when I assured him it was alright, and I told him he could be honest, he still chose to lie to me. I had to find out myself. Now he says he lied because he was afraid I’d be mad or disappointed he hooked up with someone else so soon after breaking up. But I find that a lame ass excuse. 1. I told him it was alright, and 2. even if I didn’t, why the hell go and lie about it? I thought we didn’t lie to each other about anything. He thinks I’m overreacting, and so does one of my other housemates, because "it didn’t happen when we were in a relationship." But they’re missing the point. I don’t care what he did! It’s the fact that he lied to me about it that makes me so angry. I mean, why? And how do I know he’s not lying about other stuff either? Am I really in the wrong here? I’m starting to feel like I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is. What would you guys feel or do in a situation like this. Would you be mad, disappointed, apathetic..? Break up, forgive, not care at all? I’d just really like to know what you guys think about this. Thanks.
I don't think you're overreacting. Lies are very hard to deal with. How can u trust someone that lies
He lied to you, and he told you why. Did he express regret? Is he the kind that wants to avoid an argument? Are you sure that your reaction to his seeing someone else would have been so neutral? It's up to you to decide whether you want to continue this relationship or not, but if you do, I know it's hard to hear, but he may have lied because he knows how you would have really reacted (is it possible?). Why did you break up in the first place?
*Whispers, 'Guys make terrible liars...' Alright, so head lied to you, meaning at some level, there are probably trust issues in your relationship. He wasn't sure how you'd react, and chose to hide his secret from you, instead of coming clean and taking his chances. You found out, so he's probably feeling embarrassed and defensive, so you should reassure him that you're not here to judge him or punish him. Show him that he has no reason not to come to you when there's a problem, and that his actions are hurting everyone involved. Yeah, he could have told the guy to stop communicating with him, maybe even blocking the number, too, but that's water under the bridge for now. It might be time to reevaluate your boundaries: What did you two agree to? Is it a monogamous relationship? It's important for two partners to be on the same page to avoid confusion and extra hurt that could have been avoided. It might be too early to tell whether or not a relationship with this man, but if I were you, I'd try to examine the relationship from a more realistic standpoint. He lied, he's human and makes mistakes, but the real test is whether or not he can grow and become the type of partner worthy of your time and attention.
I completely get the issue; it's not what he did, it's the fact he lied to you about it. And integrity is everything in a relationship, so I don't think you're overreacting. So what's I'd do here is to have a really lengthy, deep conversation with him. Talk about what was going on in his head that he thought it was OK to lie to you. Be clear that it's not about his actually doing what he did while you were broken up, but that he lied about it at a point where honesty was expected and explicitly asked for. If you asked him, and he said no he hadn't, and *then* you said "it's OK if you did", then perhaps he felt he was already boxed into a lie he'd told, and it was making things worse to go back and correct himself. That doesn't make it right, but it's at least a little bit understandable. A lot of people will lie because it's easier (or so they think) than admitting truth. So the key, like I said, is a really deep, honest, lengthy conversation. And just admit to each other that those sorts of conversations aren't comfortable, but that it's not OK to just dismiss it as "ok, i was wrong, I won't do it again." And I think it's also reasonable to say that when someone lies to you about something so important (given the health and safety issues involved), it then becomes hard to trust that person and takes time to rebuild the trust. And the last phase is having an honest heart-to-heart about the importance of honesty, and how, if you choose to forgive him, it will take time to trust him again, and if he breaks the trust a second time you may not be able to forgive it again.
That's what I was thinking. Some people like to say they don't care, but then why you're actually honest, they flip shit. Sound familiar?, or no?
Actually, no that doesn't sound like me at all. I'm the least jealous person you'll ever meet. He's had sleepovers at his ex's where they slept in the same bed (while we were together), and I couldn't care less. I just really don't care. At all. If anything, I'm probably not jealous enough. Yes, he's said he's sorry. We haven't *really* talked about it yet, though. Probably because I was too mad. I'm sure he'd be more than willing to, though. We broke up because I wasn't sure about my sexuality, and I sort of flipflopped between gay, straight, bi, something else.. I didn't think that was fair. I'm still not sure, but at least I'm absolutely positive now that I wanna be with him. Thanks. That makes sense. Perhaps I am a little too naive when it comes to stuff like this. I guess you're right it's only human to make mistakes and not be perfect all the time. Exactly! Good to know I'm not alone in taking all this so seriously. Thanks for the good advice. I'll do just that. You also make a good point about why he may not have corrected himself; I did say it was alright after he'd already said no. I still don't think that's a good reason, but I guess it does explain it a bit. Thanks guys, this really helped putting things in perspective.
I'm gonna try to be bipartisan here. I can completely understand why you would be upset. You asked him point blank had he done anything and he said no, come to find out later through a text that he had. He broke your trust and not only that you found out the truth from another source. Plus, by him lying about having sex with another guy, he could have possibly given you an STD or something, so that right there is a complete disregard for your health and safety. These are all logical reasons for you to be angry. To play devil's advocate, lets look at things from his POV (point of view). First let me start by saying that I'm not condoning any of his actions. He said he lied because he was afraid that you would be upset he hooked up with someone during your "break." From the outside yes it does sound like a BS excuse but if you think about it, it really isn't. How many times have we or someone else said "just tell me the truth, I won't get mad" only to find out the truth and get mad, or hold it against the person for a long time and throw it up in their face at every available chance? This is why Sam chose not to tell the truth because he knew just because you said you wouldn't get mad, it didn't mean you wouldn't and he didn't want to have to deal with the yelling and the resentment that could have potentially been coming his way. Again, not saying he was right to lie, I'm just explaining the reason why he did. However, regardless of how you were going to react, he still should have told you the truth. Even though he had sex when you guys weren't together, that's still something he should have shared with you just to protect you from getting an STD or something. Lying about it is just completely disrespectful and inconsiderate.
I will echo sort of what others are saying. You are not overreacting necessarily. He has lied to you and that is now a trust issue you have with him. However you should explore the idea of why he might lie to you. It seems like you aren't the only one with a trust issue right now -- he also has a trust issue, since he felt he could not be honest with you. That does not make him a scumbag necessarily, if you know what I men. I think that maybe you should sit down by yourself and try to examine the situation more objectively. That is, you should try to see it from his point of view, in his shoes, and see if maybe you can relate. See if you can justify his position too (this will also help diffuse your anger a bit). Then, both of you should sit down and discuss what happened. I'm not saying you are wrong, it's just that it helps to bring a new perspective of the situation to the table.
