Making the Jump

Hi aaron. ill give you some advice and i hope it helps..
dating is difficult for everyone.. but it seems you have taken the first step which is communicating and thats very important.. you say hes only an hour away.. thats not bad at all.. dating is really just hanging out and enjoying each others company. why dont you suggest something to do that you will both enjoy.. even a simple meal together can be great if the chemistry is right.

as for your parents.. i know they are close to you but ur 20.. you dont have to explain everything you do to them.. they are not your jailers... tell them you are going out with a friend. thats the truth.. you dont have to come out to them right away.. you are just dating. remember its just a date.. see how you feel about it after the first date and just enjoy each others company.. good luck.

---------- Post added 13th May 2013 at 01:46 PM ----------

oh.. and all that sad stuff you mentioned.. sometimes it helps just to lend an ear. but try to keep the date light and fun. make him forget all that stuff atleast for a little while

 

it sounds like your mum will be very accepting of you being gay. thats the best scenario you could hope for. if shes okay with it then whats the problem? ALL MUMS are embarrassing! they all know what to say and do to push your buttons.. thats what they do.

i was in your position once when i still lived at home.. my mum is very nosy aswell.. but when i go out. its pretty much the same convo.. i say.. im going out.. she goes with who? i say with friends. she asks who. i say you dont know them. bye!

easy! you dont have to tell your parents everything. im very close to my family and they have no clue who im dating. partially because i like to keep my life private.. and its really none of their business.. it really depends on how much you are willing to share..

do what you want. you dont need to explain. you are an adult after all.. i think they will encourage you to go out and make new friends anyway.

 

If she does get nosy... assert yourself as an adult, and say that while you appreciate her a lto there are some decisions you just make on your own.

 

One possibility: say something like you met online. (I'm not sure if this is actually correct since I don't know precisely how those Phone Apps We Can't Name work. But I think it's honest enough for practical purposes.) You had shared interests, and wow! You are only an hour apart.

Incidentally, one word of warning: you probably know this, but just to be sure, it's always said to be a good idea to take caution when you meet someone in the real world for the first time or two. Public place, take your own car, be prepared to shake a tail if things go really wrong. While the chances are good that after this time this guy will be safe, it's still probably a good idea to err on the side of caution.

---------- Post added 13th May 2013 at 02:52 PM ----------

Or you could invent some other reason to go. Is there anything worth doing or seeing in that place an hour away? Even something as simple as a library to do research for school in? If so, you can give that as an excuse.

---------- Post added 13th May 2013 at 03:04 PM ----------

Another thought: unless your parents are into family focused socialization above all else, they'll probably be happy that you found a friend.

I had a horrible time making friends--hell, I still do, thanks to being a "social misfit," as my father labeled me when divorcing my mother. At one point, my mother was actually worried enough that she urged me to make that a priority, even though ordinarily she was very much of "high school is your first job!" persuasion. If I'd come up with a friend about that time (going into 12th grade), she'd have been more relieved than anything.

Of course, that relief could open floodgates of questions. Who is this friend? Etc, etc, etc. So it's a good idea preparing as you are.

 

A final thought, I think, and then I'll crawl back under my rock...

First, I understand where you are coming from...and I'd feel the same way. But one issue you are going to face is that there will be a fine line between waiting long enough to know it's serious and waiting too long. Chances are pretty good that your parents would not be amused if the first they heard about your boyfriend would be getting a wedding announcement. Actually, waiting that long can be hurtful. That is precisely what happened when my father got married to his current wife: I had not even met her, thought she was a casual girlfriend, and suddenly one night I get the "we're getting married in two months!" line. At least, they didn't hop a plane to Vegas one weekend... That experience left me feeling totally and completely unvalued, although that feeling is nothing unusual in the relationship with my father.

Back to you. I'd suggest telling your parents fairly early. Assuming, of course, they'll accept it as you think they will (that is, not be LGBT hostile). "I want to tell you that I'm dating someone. We've been going out a month, but I didn't want to say anything because I wanted to feel sure this might last..." sounds a lot better than "we've been dating secretly five years!"

And yes, if things don't work out, your mom might take an interest in your love life. But there are ways around that.

 

One - go meet the guy for coffee already.

Two - if your parents ask, say you've met a guy online that you have some stuff in common with, and you're going to go hang out. And if something develops, you can later add "And we're both gay, so now we're dating".

Lex

 

And like always, Lexington, your advice is spot on! And so much more concise than my babbles...

 

yeah meet in a public place. and be safe. (ie protection if the need arises) apps like these are a little iffy since most just look for sex.. but if you guys have been talking for a while then go meet up for a coffee or something.. take it slow.

 

Yes, condoms and lube might be a good idea. Just to be on the safe side.

And if sex does happen, you can honestly say you went and did some anatomical research!:lol:

 

I think the chances of something going wrong is pretty remote, given that you've been in contact all this time, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Other tips I've heard is to never leave a drink unwatched (it could get drugged). Also it's probably a good idea to drink nothing stronger than coffee.

As for hiding condoms...a classic location is, I believe, the underwear drawer. Or you could get something that locks. Even a toy safe might work. Or just hide them in whatever you use to take books to school. Just make sure the condoms will be safe (that is not get too hot, or otherwise damaged).

You could also possibly just learn of places to buy them near where ever you meet Sebastian, and plan to buy them only if needed. But it's probably better to be prepared before. And also if you haven't had experience with condoms, it's a good idea to have some experience/experimentation on your own. (If you really have balls that I'd have lacked at your age, you could even write the condoms off to your mom as something you bought to experiment with while jacking off. I don't know about your mom, but many would be so embarrassed they'd find a new topic to discuss ASAP.)

And it's probably not a bad idea making some basic decisions now about what you are willing to do. How soon are you willing to consider sex? What types of sex? Heat of the moment is not the right time to think about this sort of thing for the first time.

---------- Post added 13th May 2013 at 05:46 PM ----------

It seems a little premature to worry about future dating given that we don't know what will happen with Sebastian yet... Cross that bridge when you get to it, and all that. But I think my strong temptation would be take the "I'm just going to wait until I meet someone interesting!" line. Do any on-line dating when I'm alone.

One thing to keep in mind: at that point, you'd be out of the closet, at least as far as your parents are concerned. You'd probably feel a lot more free to do LGBT stuff. So you could join LGBT social clubs. One could even make a point of that, and say that is how one plans to meet future boyfriends. It's not a bad way to do it, and it sidesteps the whole issue of someone peering over your shoulder while you are using The Phone App That Can't Be Named.

 

You aren't an idiot.

Why can't a first relationship be forever? Admittedly, it's not common. But you aren't 16 (a typical age for first relationships.) Also, judging from what I read in post #1, you have connected on a level past looks. I can't say for sure, but I think one thing that dooms many relationships is that all they are based on is something like a cute face. Something lasting, I think, demands something deeper.

In any case, you won't know until you try. Time to meet for coffee...even if all you drink is a bottle of water!

Number of condoms vary per package, but the package should state the number enclosed. I've seen boxes with as few as 3. It seems like the standard is latex condoms. I have heard that ultra thin condoms are not as durable with anal sex. Lambskin condoms are to be avoided; they aren't adequate for preventing HIV.

There are probably variations brand to brand. One may fit/work better for a given guy. Another guy might have a different preference.

There are flavored condoms for oral sex.

And, of course, remember: use water based lube with latex condoms. Water based lube can also be used for masturbation, so you'll be sure to get your money's worth one way or another.

As for barebacking, I'd urge you to put that off. I think that is something that demands an LTR, and a partner you trust. Maybe I'm overly cautious, but I remember the 80s (when AIDS hit with a vengeance) too well...

Finally, don't assume your parents' sex life is nearly dead. They are probably about my age, or maybe a bit older, and I assure you: the sex drive is not totally dead in your forties! Actually, they may have found a new hiding place for condoms since condoms had a way of vanishing from the old secret drawer!:lol: Of course, at some point, menopause hits women, and birth control ceases to be a worry.

 

Most of the advice above is pretty solid (even though I do think you shouldn't rush into the sex just yet with a guy you haven't even met yet. If it goes well, there'll be plenty of opportunities for that later!)

Essentially: as Lex said, but I can't resist expanding on it.

- Honesty is the best route. If you have to lie by omission, do not make it worse by including active lies. Say you met this guy online and got talking about his work, about stuff you have in common, common politics, etc... you can be completely truthful about that. Tell them that since you ended up chatting and texting, you developed the idea of at least hanging out for coffee some time. From experience, I can say this worked perfectly well for me, and I only got a caveat of having to text upon arrival and departure.

Shockingly, not many parents will jump from "my son has friends he likes to meet up with" to "OMG, gay dating!". It's the conclusion YOU would draw because being in the closet is a pretty big thing for you, but for most straight people, it's so far down the list of explanations it doesn't spring to mind until you come out and say it.


- First-time relationships definitely CAN be long-lasting. Though it's not guaranteed as you tend to find out a lot about yourself, about what relationships are like, and about what it's like to get close to another person.
If the other guy finds much the same stuff, it can work out. But it can also happen that you find out that relationships are different from what you imagined them to be and that you need something different after all.
That's all theoretical, though. The only thing you really can do is give any relationship your best shot.

So: if things go well: go for it. But also don't hinge your entire life on it. In fact, you might want to reassess your plan of "getting it right the first time", and only then telling your parents. A boyfriend is a boyfriend, and not a crutch for coming out. That way, you risk confusing feelings.
It can become a case of "I'm not sure he's the one I REALLY want, but I really want to come out and I need a boyfriend to do so, so he'll have to do". Or even worse: "My parents like him, and he's the one they first saw when I came out so I really can't break up with him and disappoint them!"

Not saying you can't come out and tell them you're dating at the same time. Just make sure you're not letting one influence the other.


- In general, this is probably a sign the time has come to assert yourself a bit. I used to have no secrets whatsoever from my parents, and yeah, when I decided not to brief them on every conversation I ever had with anyone, and not to mention every website I visited anymore, my mom took that badly at first. She once reproached me "if you're not doing bad things, then why am I not supposed to know about them?"

But it doesn't work that way. You can't have deep friendships based on trust if you relay every word they say to your parents. You can't develop an own life if everything is essentially managed by your parents by proxy. As open as you might eventually be about your dating life, you have to have privacy to make anything work.
They might not be happy about that, but they'll get used to it. However, you will have to wrest a bit of independence from them, as they'll never just hand it over, even if they have the best of intentions in keeping a tight watch.


- Purely practical: I never actually bought condoms, but they tended to be given out whenever I donated blood. I hid them taped to the underside of a drawer. Impossible to randomly notice that way. All you have to do is remember which drawer you taped them under


Phew, and I've written a novel. Still; hoping my scattered thoughts can be of some use!

 

Personally, I have to agree that it's probably better not to rush into sex. Although this a personal values issue. Some guys have sex with hookups whom they'll know only as long as the sex act lasts. Others might plan to wait for the wedding night.

But I do think even if one plans to wait, it's a not a bad idea to be prepared for the possibility from the start. The heat the moment has caused all sorts of unplanned events to occur...

Personally, I don't think I'd have sex on a first date, or anywhere near it. But being honest, I can't say with 100% certainty it would never, ever, not in a million years happen... In fact, I can almost bet that if the guy dropped his pants, and invited me to do the same, there would be a part of me screaming, "Yes! This may be your LAST CHANCE! Take it!" While there would also be a part saying, "Don't! You were going to wait!", it's probably not a good idea gambling that that part will win the debate. I hope it would...but since the whole situation is new, I don't know for sure. And condoms are cheap and would give peace of mind knowing that I'm prepared for anything.