Dealing with family & Drama with boys

Sorry for ranting, but this is going to be kinda long

OK, so i am in a very awkward weird situation.

First off, i am very secretive and private from my family, even though i still live with them. My parents have absolutely no idea that I am gay. My sister knows that i am "confused", but i wasnt able to tell her that i was gay. My family is extremely religious and catholic and thinks homosexuality is a sin and immoral. They sent me to catholic bible classes from first grade til 10th grade on the weekends. I know that if i came out of the closet to them, so much drama and crazy fighting would occur.

I was going to come out of the closet to them junior year of high school when i was 16. During that time, Prop 8 got passed which banned same sex marriages in CA. I clearly remember the night when the results from prop 8 got revealed, i was feeling pretty sad. During dinnertime when the news was reporting on prop 8, My dad makes the comment that he was happy that it passed, and that there was nothing he hates more in the world than gay people. That comment destroyed me, and after that day, i became emotionally detached from my parents. I refused to tell my parents anything about my life, and kept them private. They try to ask about my personal life, but i dont tell them anything because i am absolutely scared/uncomfortable to tell them anything. In high school jr/senior year, i hung out with the "emo" crowd. I met a bunch of gay/lesbian/gay friendly people and i felt so happy ^^. So i told them that one of my best friends in high school was a lesbian, and they said, “I'm worried about you. Dont hang out with that lesbian friend of yours. She is going to turn you gay, and she is sinful and bad". Hearing comments like these really scarred me emotionally. I know that there is an LGBTQ club at my college, but i am so reluctant to join.. I just feel so uncomfortable.. I cannot even say the words I am gay.

So basically, They have no idea that i am gay. They dont even know my friends name, my first crush, or even who i have dated... which brings me to my next point

So im in this very very awkward situation with my best friend and her.... other friend.
So my friend has been seeing this guy. Through very weird circumstances, they arent seeing each other. They have feelings for each other, but they don’t want to make it official. She showed me a pic of her "friend" thursday. He was cute. Masculine. Kinda dorky. Funny. He reminded me a lot of my ex lol. Well Friday, we finally met. he was on webcam. Problem though... he was shirtless... So it was hot/awkward lol.... But yeah.... I kinda developed a crush on him :icon_redf FML. I srsly did not want to develop a crush on him, but he reminded me of all the good qualities that my first boyfriend had, and he was cute. However, my ex bf was a massive douchebag so i am extremely reluctant to even try anything. I was kinda rude/mean to her “friend” cuz I did not want to get close to him… cuz I was gonna probably fall for him… Also, some of the stuff that he does such as smoke, doesnt go to school, doesnt have a job, etc is pretty offputting. Plus, its my best friend's guy sorta.. I am not willing to say anything. I sorta outted myself, cuz i was with my bestie, and she was bisexual so, he was probably ok with bi/gay people. He was ok with her being bisexual, and he was really cool

So yeah, we have been talking. I was ranting to him yesterday, cuz I had a pretty rough time dealing with the family situation and needed to blow off some steam. After I told him my frustrations, He just told me that he was gay :eek:. I thought he was lying/joking until I asked my bestie and she said that she knew and that it was true. My bestie confirmed that he was Bi, but leans more towards girls. I really do not know what to do. I srsly almost flipped out, cuz I finally found a guy who understands what I was talking about ^^. So after the “confession” he had, we basically talked for like ever. He actually told me that he goes for guys much much more than he does for girl. We have very similar backgrounds and everything. He is closeted as well. I am trying so hard not to fall for him though.. My head absolutely says no, but my heart is so..... stupid lol :tantrum:, probably cuz he reminds me of my ex . My friend is worried cuz that I might "seduce LOL" him. She was pretty seriously into him, but I told her that it probably wouldn’t be a good situation to put yourself in cuz he leans way more towards guys. She got kinda jealous when me and her “guy” talked a lot, and she logged off FB, and he didn’t even notice. I promised my friend that i wont do it, since she found him first. My besties guy and me finished talking at like 3:30ish am, and I tried to go to bed, but I srsly fell asleep at like 6am cuz I couldn’t stop thinking of him all night long x_x. I have only been in one relationship before, which was my ex. It was full of drama, and i was closeted, so we had a lot of sneaking to do.
These guy problems may be why i have been lashing out lately. I am trying to find a happy solution for both of these problems of mine. I have been trying to find a happy solution for my family, where I want to be extremely close with my family, but also open to them accepting me and my future gay lifestyle. The boy problem… that’s just plain complicated lol :eusa_doh:. Advice or help please?? :help:

 

Im still conflicted on whether or not to tell her and him...
My bestie just recently got out of a 3yr relationship with her ex bf. Technically speaking, she and her "guy" started talking to each other a yr ago, but there was never any feelings involved. It wasnt until only recently when they started have feelings or whatever, but its super complicated ._.

Ok, so she has dated 2 guys in total, both of them for 3yrs. I knew her since we were in the same class junior year. So, her first ex bf she had was from freshman yr til late jr year. The problem was that she moved away like sophmore yr, so it became "complicated." She had a situation before where it was almost similar to this, except her bf had actually slept with one of her bestfriends like... a month after they broke up. She and her ex bf never had sex before, so she felt absolutely betrayed and hurt. What i am doing, i feel like it is reopening old wounds ya know..

I feel so guilty in this situation, because it feels so similar to the thing that happened to her back in high school I swear, this girl is like one of my bestest friends ever. She was one of the first people i told that i was "interested" in guys, and she is the first person that i said i was "gay" to. I swear if i have a wedding, she would be my best woMAN lol. ^^ and i would totally be her flower dude or something idk haha.

Plus, I feel so horrible if the reason that him and her "guy" broke up was due to me ._. Can u imagine??? My gay best friend just stole my man... That title sounds like a freaking jerry springer episode or something lol.

Idk... this guy though is one of the first guys that i had feelings for in awhile. Plus the similar situations... and the same personality.... idk. :/ Like i understand if they do make it official, Ill back off. But its gonna be pretty awkward hanging out with each other lol.

What i was planning on doing was waiting to see if she and him can ever make it official in the long run or not. If they dont, i was gonna ask her permission if i could pursue him. I dunno how long i should wait though :/ I absolutely do not wanna lose our friendship at all. She is like my white sister from another mister lol.

I was wondering though... what should i do if the "friend" tells me he has a crush on me? Like.. I would be pretty happy, but the guilt would just kill me sooo bad .... I dunno :/ What i was trying to do to hopefully make the situation better was to find my bestie another man lol. But im not 21 yet and cant go drinking/clubbing so.. thats gonna have to wait :/ But still... i feel sorta like such a homewrecker :bang:

P.S. i forgot to mention that my friend asked me if i had feelings for her "guy" or not yesterday, and i kinda sorta lied about it and said i didnt x_x..... cuz i felt really bad. I dunno whether or not i should tell her that i like him.

 

Ok, well i was on FB with her, and the situation got so complicated... Maybe i was overthinking or something... but now i dunno if the "guy" has a crush on me.. I think it is too soon to tell. We definately hitted it off, for sure, but I think im getting some mixed signals or something.. o__o;; Its so complicated, cuz yesterday, me and "him" were talking about travelling to san francisco and exploring the gay life there and possibly finding love etc.. but i still feel weird, because he is so open to his gay feelings in front of my friend, I feel bad.. He says that he has feelings for her, but.. Its so damn complicated i dont even know <_<

Oh and about telling my friend, i srsly dont think it will work out at all. I think shes way too deep in this relationship to possibly see the light? I tried to ask her if shes open to dating someone else, but she is so hesitant to it. Its cuz she thinks that most guys are douchebags and the only ones that are nice are either gay or taken lol.

I dont really know, but i was wondering how could i find out if the "dude" has a crush on me without stating the obvious? I srsly havent even known the dude for a week yet though.. Do u guys think im just attracted to the guy because i havent talked/encountered a single guy in the similar situation as me for a long time? I havent openly looked for dating cuz i dont think anyone would wanna date someone in the closet. Maybe i should start trying something else.. cuz this is getting way too complicated and its honestly starting to turn me off :eusa_doh: