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Do I really need to come out to family?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kyllani, May 15, 2013.

  1. Kyllani

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    I'm really struggling with this, guys.

    Let me start off by saying it's not my entire family I worry about...just parents and grandparents. I've actually come out to my sister, great aunt, and a cousin that went through a very similar situation.

    Thing is, I stopped there.

    I have kind of cut my parents out of my life recently because I'm too scared of their reaction to...well, to me! My father is old school military and my parents live in the bible belt. My mom is super religious and super bigoted. My sister says mom has gay friends, but after growing up with her I have a hard time believing they are anything more than coworkers she treats nicely because she has to.

    I'm just not the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm a godless, queer liberal...the monster of their dreams! They got one perfect daughter, and I just can't live up to the standards redneck barbie puts out.

    I've been considering writing my parents a letter or an email, but I'm really torn. I currently live 2,000 miles away...so part of me is like "what they don't know won't hurt them" and then another part of me is like "they need to know, and if I tell them now I don't have to deal with their reaction in person."

    The only thing holding me back is...there's a chance I may have to live with them in the future. I'm currently trying to come out to my boyfriend of almost 6 years, and there's the chance that my only viable option will be mom and dad.

    I still feel like I should tell them, though...because I am done hiding! I won't put up with their rude comments and general hateful selves anymore. I've been living in fear for far too long, and I am so over it.

    What do you guys think about the idea of writing them a letter or email? I know it's kind of impersonal, but I don't think I can deal with telling them over the phone. I haven't actually spoken to them in over 6 months, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.
     
  2. followtherabbit

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    Writing a letter or an email, i think, is a great idea.
    Yes it seems impersonal but is situations like yours it can often make it easier for both sides.
    Looking someone in the eye and telling them something they don't want to hear is just as hard as looking someone in the eye and listening to them tell you something you don't want to hear, you know?
    If you write them they'll have time to process it over and over before they confront you. You are giving them the option to not make a snap judgement which is very smart when coming out.
    You are also giving them the option to write you back with their reaction, which you can read and process the same way.
    It gives everyone a safe amount of time and space.

    Coming out is so hard for so many people.
    Be strong.

    ---------- Post added 15th May 2013 at 03:20 PM ----------

    PS; i think you need to tell them for sure because it seems to be really eating you. Even if you make a perminant decission not to, it could follow you forever. Getting it of your chest may be the only solid way of moving past these feelings you are feeling.
     
  3. I agree with the above poster. In the long run, it seems important for you to tell you parents and if email or a letter is the way for you to do that where you feel most comfortable, then yeah go for it.

    However, if you are going to be financially dependent on your parents for any period of time and/or will be homeless or penniless without them and you're concerned that they will not help you if you come out to them, then I would think about waiting.

    It feels like a nasty stab to the integrity to withhold that part of yourself, but your safety and wellbeing is really important too and only you can decide if it's too much of a risk to come out before asking for their help.
     
  4. RainbowMan

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    I had the same thoughts about my parents, and they were unbelievably supportive...at first. Then the "interesting conversations" started happening. But I think we're all good again - everything is temporary. Don't ever underestimate the power of parental love.
     
  5. fairlyfey

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    I'm in the Y chromosome crowd, but I can relate. I don't know your sister, maybe she's a bitch, but if not then be nice. It's not her fault she's straight, sometimes that's how they turn out. It's hard I know... :icon_wink

    I'm estranged from most of my family at the moment too, except for my father who is a conservative bible thumper, so yeah... :eusa_doh:

    I debate with myself if it's even appropriate to come out via awkward phone-call/letter before re-establishing a relationship with them first, you know? On the other hand, time away from them, coming out, and then coming back into their lives might let me re-introduce the "real me" to them.

    I guess what you really need to ask yourself is do you believe they love you, absolutely? Never mind for the moment the standards they want you live by; their political views; if you believe they're disappointed; their expressed thoughts on LGBT folks in the past...do you believe they will want you in their lives no matter what? They're your parents, you know them. If not, then hold back, but if so maybe you should send a letter. If they're prone to arguing with you, then maybe coming out from a distance and giving them time to mull it over away from you is best. You should make it clear to them that your sexuality is only a part of who you are, not your defining characteristic. So many homophobes are obsessed with this silly idea that all we think about is sex; be sure to dismiss this. They have to understand in the letter that it doesn't change anything about you. Then, maybe ease back slowly. After some time call them, once you're to the point where they can talk with you and still be civil then you can think about physically going to see them. Don't even consider it if you can't get through a phone call without screaming being involved.

    I hope this helps, and I sincerely hope you and your family are able to work things out. The bunch of you might have to come to an understanding where you avoid hot button topics like politics; just remember that if they're homophobic then it's probably because they're making assumptions about people they don't really know that well. You just being out and in their lives will gradually dispel this. You may have to endure that "you just haven't met the right boy" crap; grin and bare it, they don't know any better. Just don't let them force you into a blind date with someone; who you are involved with is your business. Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  6. Thomas94

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    I agree. A letter is a good way if you live so far apart and are afraid of their reaction. You can relax a little knowing you've finally told them, and they can have time to come to terms of your sexuality. kinda a win win, just a really nerve wracking win...
    good luck with it all, by the way.
     
  7. Kyllani

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    I know, I know. She's actually pretty great, I just resent the pedestal my family has put her on. They do absolutely everything for her, and I get left out in the cold. It's always been that way. But, anyway...

    My sister assures me they will love me no matter what, even though I'm a little hesitant to believe her. I don't think my dad will never give up on me; it's my mom I worry about. She's got some mental health issues and is a little unpredictable.

    But I've still got this crazy hope that I'll come out to them and somehow change their mind on gay marriage and such. Hey, it could happen, right?

    Thanks for all of your replies! (&&&)
     
  8. clarkec1

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    I don't really know, you can't just have a girlfriend and hide it from them forever, you could try but it is undeniably literally impossible.
     
  9. GreenSkies

    GreenSkies Guest

    I'm in a similar situation except that I currently do live with my parents. I think that there are a few things for you to consider - for instance, do you think if you come out to them now and give them a few months to come to terms with your sexuality, that they might be more accepting if you move in later? Do you want to pursue an open relationship with a girlfriend sometime soon?

    I have made the decision to wait on coming out for now...probably until I know for sure that I have moved out for good. My family is extremely religious and I know for sure that they will not be accepting. Unfortunately, this also means that I am holding off on having a relationship. I don't personally think that it would be healthy for me to have to hide a relationship from the people who I live with.