Why is being in love so hard?

Hey everyone, I haven't posted anything about me in awhile. I feel compelled to, not necessarily for advice, or even support really, but to just get it out there and off my mind. I find that talking things through with all the wonderful people here at EC has a way of helping me calm my nerves. I may not be the best at offering advice but i make it a point to try because I've been helped so much myself. I truly appreciate anybody who even reads what i write.

so awhile back I started this thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...i-guess-im-sick-twisted-demented-asshole.html

This is more or less, an update to that.

Since that traumatic incident, things have gone back normal. (at least normal for me and him, nobody that knows of us thinks that we are normal friends lol) after about a week of not being friends, and then a few weeks of sort of tiptoeing around each other we are back to being as close as ever.

There's been a lot going on in my mind. I have tried lessening our contact with one another. Neither of us were happy with that. I've tried to see him as just another friend and he has a way of not letting that happen either. There have been two or three occasions when i've decided to just let go and find someone else for my mind to focus on. Each time, I have felt that the only way to do so was to tell him that I need a few weeks away from him. A few weeks where I don't see him or talk to him at all. Every time, right as I've been about to tell him this, he's done something to completely change my mind. It's as if he can sense this and doesn't want it to happen. Probably unlikely, but then again wouldn't surprise me. We have some sort of weird connection and closeness that I really can't describe.

Well anyways, the past few weeks have given rise to some new strangeness. He's been calling me just as much, if not more than before. It's rare that a single day goes by that he doesn't call me just to talk. Just yesterday morning he called me 19 times before i finally woke up. He had been at my house twice that morning already, debating on whether or not he should come inside and wake me up. The Tuesday before (we both have Tuesdays off and spend every Tuesday together quite religiously) he called me 39 times and was driving around my neighborhood waiting for me to wake up. On top of all that, he's been opening up a little more about his feelings. At least about himself. He will openly tell me when he's feeling depressed or when something is bothering him. Not always what is bothering him, just that something is bothering him. If there was ever a question of whether or not he trusts and cares about me, he's proven that he really does. so, once again, I'm in the position where i am treated like we are a couple without the acknowledgement of such.

Now, on top of that, he's become increasingly more vocal about gay rights issues. He always finds funny or interesting articles and videos to show me, and more and more have been involving same sex marriage. Just a few weeks ago he's begun making more jokes about me being gay (something all my friends do regularly) which is something he never has done before. Last night, after hanging out at a buddy of mines place (something we do frequently), we ended up sitting in my driveway for close to 3 hours talking about politics, philosophy, and other deep subjects. He mentioned a couple times, his distaste for the Westborro Baptist church and their stance on homosexuality. Again today, he mentioned his distaste (more than once) for a person he overheard making outwardly homophobic comments. In the past he's gone completely silent whenever the topic of homosexuality has come up, and now he's becoming increasingly more outspoken.

So here I am, even more in love with this person. So much so that I can easily visualize us spending the rest of our lives together. I can't even imagine having feelings for another person. In fact, nothing would make me happier than asking him to marry me and committing the rest of my life to him. And his actions are the reason I feel the way i do. My friends no longer believe me when I tell them that we are not dating. They call him my boyfriend when he's not around, and tell me it couldn't be more obvious that he feels the same about me. Problem is, we can't talk about our relationship. I know he will just get angry and defensive. I know he probably just needs more time. I just wish i could show him the same level of affection that he shows me. to just be able to put my arms around him and hold him close to me would be better than anything I've ever experienced before. A simple embrace would be better than any sex could ever be. Not only do I see him in my dreams almost every night, but he's usually the last person I talk to before I find myself travelling to dream land, and often the first person I talk to once returning to the land of the living. I can't imagine anything being closer to a real relationship and i know that, if things somehow don't work out, I will never have a relationship this close ever again. He has set the bar, and I doubt i will find someone who cares about me as much as he does. If only he would finally admit it...

 

What I would like to do is to be able to see inside his mind. I would like to know what he is thinking. I know that isn't really possible unfortunately. I know that i can't live in Limbo forever. What I don't know is what to do exactly. i mean I have some ideas but I don't know what the best is.

I'm historically a very impatient person. As something I've been trying to get better with, I sort of see this as a way to develop more patience. I can only be so patient though. I know that at some point I have to do something. This summer we are going on something of a road trip to Texas together. (his idea not mine.) I figure if there is ever going to be a good opportunity, it will be then. 4 days in a hotel together, several thousand miles away from home. It will just be interesting to spend five whole days together, just the two of us.


i will agree, the number of times he calls and texts me is somewhat obsessive. As strange as it may be, I actually kind of like it. At least on a typical day. I look forward to knowing that at a certain time, he will be calling me. It's the first time I've felt that someone might actually love me. But yeah, the 20 to 30 calls in one day is too much. I've tried a couple times now to explain to him that certain things he does make me feel the way i do for him. One of them being the letter which caused to get angry, yell at, and insult me. I figured that at he would at least give me a little space. I literally told him that straight guys don't call their bros the way he calls me. Well here he is, treating me like he is my boyfriend.

I don't know, in a way I almost feel selfish for always wanting more. I mean we basically already act like we are a couple. We talk on the phone just for the sake of talking to each other. We will often tell each other goodnight. We will sometimes bicker like we are married. I have to keep trying to convince my other friends that we actually aren't dating.

If we actually were really dating there would at least be something to offset his obsessive calling. We could hang out more and cuddle, and he could talk to me more in person and not have to call me as often.

 

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the responses. you all make good points. Honestly, i've thought about flipping his world upside down, and on several different occasions. Ussually just the thought of it tears me up inside. I guess the best option, if I were to go that route, would be to date other people. I know that it would invoke some sort of response. The other day, we were hangin out with a few friends of mine. One friend brought up a friend of his that he thought I should meet. He went on to describe him for a few minutes. The whole time my friend was completely silent and looked rather uncomfortable. Besides knowing that it would bother him, the other issue here is that I dont think it would be fair to the person I'm on a date with. How would he feel knowing that the entire time I'm thinking about and comparing him to another person?

My friend is a rather fragile person and it wouldn't take much to completely crush him. I've been working so hard to build him up and give him some confidence in life. He's depressed enough as it is, and losing me would compound that significantly.

The only reason I have any confidence in my thinking that he's either in denial or tryying to come to terms with himself is that a few friends of mine tell me I'm blind for questioning his feelings. I wouldn't trust my own judgement, but others keep telling me that it's obvious that he "like" likes me. Though, if enough time passes i will eventually run out of patience. At that point I will follow the advice here and t\force him to really reevaluate things.

I really am concerened about our road trip together, at least in some ways. I know better than to expect anything to happen, but I just feel that it would be the time something would, if it ever were to be. I am really not all that concerned with getting into his pants. I just want to be able to show him how much I care about him. Like i said, spending a night cuddling with him would be better than sex could ever be. But I really do fear for my sanity. June, as always you make a lot of sense. It could almost be torture to have to be that close to him for that long.

Dakine, what you said is something thats been on my mind for awhile. He seems to be getting more comfortable and I'm understanding him more and more. He is honest to god, afraid of his parents, and I think that is really hindering him here. Just the fact that he's become so vocal about LGBT rights is very telling in my mind. I just think that it will take him alot to get to the point where he can tell his dad that he's gay, bi, or anything other than straight. (I mantain the belief that there's no way he's completely straight. again, other people keep telling me this)

In a way I almost feel stuck. But really, it isn't all bad. Just having him be a part of my life is something I really enjoy. If I could turn off my feel;ings i would, but he's made it so that my feelings for him are unlike anything I've ever known before. I really should be happy, just for the things he does that show me he cares about me. nobody has ever cared about me like I know he does. I feel selfish here again with the "I wants" and "me" but i just want to be able to show him the same affection that he shows me. This is howI know I am really in love; I view his wants and needs as more important than mine. I want nothing more than to make him feel like the amazing person he really is. Being in love is really a pain in my butt...

 

Hey, dakine. Thanks again man. I know you are dealing with something very similar and I really appreciate your input. Like I said in my first post, sometimes just talking about all this makes me feel better. Because of the nature of the situation and knowing that my friend is likely dealing with a sexuality issue, I try not to talk about this with anyone that might know him. Just out of respect for him. I do talk about it to two of our mutual friends (mutual because I brought him into my small circle of friends. He had none before me, he told me he pushed his past friends out of his life.) They both keep telling me it's obvious that he's gay. Still, being the pessimist I am, i have a way of over-analyzing things and psyching myself out. I guess what keeps popping up in my mind is how strange our friendship is...

I've never had a friend like this before. I've never known anyone who was this attached to me. No straight guy has ever called me at least once a day just to talk. Even the one boyfriend I've ever had wasn't like this. Every friend I've ever had, even the ones who are still virgins, will make comments about how hot this chick, or that chick is, how nice that ass, or tits are. Not this guy. He doesn't even check girls out. ( i'm good at watching peoples eyes). I know alot of this is stuff i've already told you but I guess, in a way, it helps me just remember why I cling to the hope that someday my dreams will come true.

I keep thinking about the last person I was actually in love with. He was a friend of mine before he was a crush. In his case though, I knew he was straight. for one he was sleeping with a female friend of mine. Second, he talked alot about all the girls he thought were hot. And when I told him I was in love with him, he took it as flattery and told me as long as I undrstood that he was straight he didn't care at all. It then became a joke. him saying things like, if I were gay I'd marry you, or If you were a girl you would be perfect for me. We could talk about it openly. It wasn't at all a big deal. With my friend now, he just get's defensive or angry. Then he tells me to never bring it up again. i understand why, at first, it would make him uncomfortable, but now, almost 9 months after I told him I had a crush on him you'd think he'd be able to at least talk about it. But no, it can't even be mentioned.

Sorry if I've been kind of ranting. At this point I know that only he can tell me where he lies with his sexuality. Again it just6 helps putting it all down and running it through my mind. If anything it reminds me why I still feel the way I do for him. It makes me feel like the months of torture I've endured will all be worth it in the end. I feel like he is worthy of all the energy i've spent on this. the amount of energy I've exerted because of him is such that I could have literally done and or become anything i could imagine. I know it will pay off in the end and when it does i can put my energy into something that will ensure our lives will; be great together forever...

 

Yeah I keep hoping that all this effort will eventually pay off. I want this to be real LTR and I know that requirrs wok. Its just the pessimist side of me that keeps worrying that it is all in vain

 

So I feel kind of stupid for continuing in with this thread while not exactly taking the advice the awesome people here have given me. I mean I guess I feel like maybe I shouldn't ask for advice if I'm not going to take it. Don't get me wrong, it means so very much to me that anyone has even taken the time to offer their help. I appreciate everyone here more than I can explain. This is why I feel bad for posting more on here, I feel like it's almost disrespectful to the people who have already taken the time to try and help me. For this I am sorry. I really am. As i stated in an earlier post, I don plan on taking the advice given to me, to more or less, turn his world upside down. i just don't know if right now is the best time for it. Like I said, my friend is a very fragile person and it wouldn't take much to devastate him. It would probably send him back into the depression that he is just now getting out of.

Now, with that said, I just want to state how difficult it is for me to keep my emotions inside. We are both playing this game where we won't talk about how we feel for each other. His actions do all the talking for him. I just long for us to be able to put our feelings for each other into words. He really does treat me like his boyfriend, and as June said, it is most likely a mind game. At least one he doesn't realize. He's holding onto what he has while being able to deny that he has the feelings for me that are so obviously there. I guess what I'm wondering is if there is any way I could initiate this conversation without making him confront the part of himself that he denies exists. Is there any way fo0r us to have this conversation without him getting defensive and putting more locks onto his closet door?
i know i should be able to answer this as i'm his friend and know him very well, but I guess I'm wondering if there are any general ways for us to talk about how gay our relationship is.

I guess what i'm so afraid of is that he may never come to terms with himself. I know i probably shouldn't be so sure that he is gay/bi and in denial but our history together makes it seem like the only logical conclusion. At this point, if he never does accept himself, I know that i can't be friends with him. This is probably a very selfish and harsh thought but after what we have been through, it's the only way for me to move on. I haven't made the decision to actually move on yet as i'm still quite convinced theres something there. But if it comes to me actually moving on, I never want to see him again after that point. It will be the point of no return. I will have to completely erase him from my existence permanently if I ever want to move on. I know this may sound rather harsh, but after basically being in a relationship with him, there's absolutely no other way for me.

 

Thanks again Dakine. I'm so glad that we've found each other through this amazing site and are able to give each other support. You, as well as everyone else I've talked to here, have been an immense help to me. Without you I think I would have lost my sanity by now.

Yeah, i really do have a little more strength and you've helped me find it. Maybe it's coincidence, but every time I decide I need to move on or do something drastic, my friend does something to keep me holding on.

At this point in my life, I won't accept anything else. I need him in my life as much as he needs me. Just tonight I was reminded how much he actually needs me. I was able to turn his shitty day around, and after talking to him on the phone for about 40 minutes, I could tell he was feeling better, just from talking to me.

I just keep thinking to myself, what straight guy calls the same guy (and one he knows is gay and in love with him) every day just to talk to him? It doesn't make sense. I really feel like he loves me, I just wish we could both come clean to each other and say it. If it takes awhile longer than so be it. He is worth waiting for.

My honest feelings for him, I want to be with him the rest of our lives. I want to ask him to marry me (if that were legal). I can't imagine even having feelings for another person. No doubt that our relationship will have it's share of struggles. He's not perfect and neither am I. But, at the end of the day, I love him. I love him like I never thought I could love anyone. My gut keeps telling me that someday, it will all work out. He is the one, the person I will grow old with. The person I will love until the day I die. It's just so hard to even have these feelings, let alone helping him work through accepting that he feels the same...

 

Yeah, I've hed a couple really close friendships in the past, all with straight guys. There was never an issue. No mysteries, no shady stuff, just friendship. Noone has ever treated me like this guy does. No one has ever been this attached to me. I am doing my best to be patient. I couldn't have made my feelings more plain to him, and I've tried explaining how his action keep me feeling this way. Here I am, still being treated the same way. Like I've said we are basically in a relationship, just without the physical aspect.

I guess what really scares me is that I want to get closer to him yet. I want to keep advancing our friendship. If I do though, my feelings for him will only get stronger. If theres no chance for me and him I need to get out now while I can. If I invest any further, there will be no turning back. I will have then exhausted all my emotions and will have none left for anyone else.

 

It's a learning experience, that's for sure. But that's a good thing, something I've needed to work on. There are days where I get anxious about everything, but that's more to do with my anxiety about everything in general. All in all I feel I'm holding up fairly well.

Things between us are better than ever. I just need to remember that he's likely in a very different stage than I am. Partially due to the fact that he's a couple years younger than me. Just yesterday I was thinking back on how difficult coming out was for me. I can't expect it to be easy for someone else. Yeah, here I am assuming a persons sexuality again but it couldn't be more obvious. For now I'm slowly working towards being more flirtatious I suppose. Things like putting my arm around him, letting my hand rest on his leg, sometimes just physical closeness. So far so good. Maybe one day soon I will get a kiss lol. For now I'm just enjoying our awkwardly close friendship. Come July, when we drive across the country together, I may need to be more vocal. Though, maybe not. Maybe being far from home and alone with just me, he will find more strength and courage within himself.