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First Date Anxiety

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AaronMed, May 16, 2013.

  1. AaronMed

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    Hey guys!

    You've all been awesome with helping me out with my other threads, and I've finally started trying to set up a date with Sebastian :grin:.

    Now, the problem is I'm scared shitless, and my own anxiety frustrates me to a point where I want to :bang:. We have a really strong emotional bond, or at least as strong a bond as is possible to develop over text, but nonetheless this is where my low self-esteem is eating me alive... Help?!?

    I have panic disorder, and I just took an Ativan to calm down, but even now I'm still anxious :frowning2:. How do I get over this?
     
  2. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Drink tea , be yourself ,compliment him ,listen to ur date , ask him what he likes on any topic ,make jokes,eye contact
     
  3. greatwhale

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    My suggestion to you is to focus on him. Listen more than talk, ask open-ended questions, smile plenty and yes, compliment him (notice things that he is wearing, or his hair, and compliment him on those)...I pretty much guarantee that your stress level will go down if your focus shifts from you to him.
     
  4. BMC77

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    First, you might give some thought about when you set the date up. Do you want it ASAP so you have less time to fret? Or wait a few days in hopes you calm down. (I'd probably go with the first option.)

    Secondly, it's perfectly normal to be scared. Actually, I think I'd be worried if you weren't.

    Perhaps you should quit thinking about the word "date." There is something...a little overwhelming about that word. At least for me. Think about it as a simple meeting with an interesting guy at a coffee shop. Or where ever.

    Finally, no matter what happens, this meeting will be a success. I say that because you have undoubtedly learned and grown as a person from this experience.
     
  5. AaronMed

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    I don't drink tea though! :lol:

    That's actually really brilliant, I feel kinda stupid for not thinking of it first haha - will do! Much better to focus on him than on myself and my own perceived imperfections.

    Well it will definitely be at least a week, maybe two, because we're both really busy, I'm going to Niagara Falls this weekend, and we need to figure out transportation. So looks like I'll have plenty of time to get good and worked up about it! :lol:

    Good to know that at least this is normal :slight_smile:.

    Very true :slight_smile:.

    So how do I deal with it if the staff at wherever we go are, well, less than friendly towards gay people? I just want to be prepared, because you never know.
     
  6. BMC77

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    Chances are good they won't even know. All they'll see are two guys having coffee/tea/water. You could be gay. But you could be a couple of college friends meeting. You could even be brothers having a family reunion. Or maybe a couple of hit men meeting to discuss the next job. Or...

    You get the point. Unless you do something blatant--like having sex on the table--they can only guess.

    If they are bothered by anything, it will be the fact that you, Aaron, are only having a bottle of water. Cheap @#%Q%. They'd much rather sell you a drink with a fancy name in Italian that translates to "Ten dollar cup of coffee."

    ---------- Post added 16th May 2013 at 11:10 AM ----------

    Another thought: if you are meeting where Sebastian lives, he should know a place that is gay friendly.

    This issue of gay hostile is, unfortunately, something that might be a problem in time. When you in a relationship, people might pick up subtle clues, even if you do modest PDA. I'm not sure how to handle it. But people can be jerks, period, for any number of other reasons. Just one reason I wish the Mother Ship would hurry to get back here and pick me up...

    ---------- Post added 16th May 2013 at 11:13 AM ----------

    Another thought: this cannot be guaranteed 100% of the time, but I think staff in coffee shops and restaurants will usually be careful not to offend. Their jobs and tips depend on customers being happy.

    Think of your past experience. If it's anything like mine, you get a lot of surface friendliness. If anything, a lot of people in service become a little creepy with how "friendly" they are.
     
  7. AaronMed

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    Though that may be true, the chance that I'll end up doing something blatant is pretty high :grin:. Like for example, knowing Sebastian, and knowing myself, I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up kissing at the end of the first date :slight_smile:. Granted, I won't care about anything but him at that point - if that happened, it'd be all I could do to not dance with joy like some crazy maniac! (!) :lol:

    Haha, well I might just have to get a croissant to make them happy :lol:.

    Very true, and since it's really close to the gay village, I'm sure there'll be places :slight_smile:.

    Indeed, I've been waiting for the Mother Ship for a long time! Any idea when it'll arrive? :lol:

    Haha, yep, they want my measly $2 tip really badly, eh? :lol:

    Oh my gosh, you're right! Staff can get so friendly it's creepy - I've had that happen before. I suspect it might be obvious that I'm gay, but I have no way of objectively knowing that, haha.
     
  8. Candace

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    Just get him to talk about himself. I guarantee you that he is just as nervous. Your sign of nervousness shows that you really care about him and want to look good in front of him. Just be yourself, drink some water, and talk about stuff you two can easily relate to. Good luck. YOU GOT THIS! :grin:
     
  9. AaronMed

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    He'll be nervous, but not nearly as nervous as me! He's actually dated before (3 guys), so at least he has some experience :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:.

    I hope you're right and he sees it that way :slight_smile:. Just curious, and this is a question for all you gay and bi guys, do you perceive your date's nervousness as a compliment to yourself in that he wants to impress you?

    I hope you're right! *crosses fingers*
     
  10. BMC77

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    Well, if you do kiss (which I think could possibly happen), it would probably be in a time and place where it feels right.

    I am not much of one for PDA. Even if I were married, I personally would probably avoid kissing in the middle of a coffee shop.

    Your modest tip may make more of a difference than you think. Not sure about Canada, or even coffee shops in the US, but waiters in restaurants generally are not paid a whole lot. They depend on those tip dollars.

    As I think of creepily friendly staff, I have to think of many chain stores, like the local Target, where the staff working on the floor either keep greeting you as if you were some long lost friend, or earnestly asking if you are finding everything you need. Perhaps next time that happens, I should be evil, and ask in a loud voice, "Where you keep the dildos?"
     
  11. BMC77

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    Don't know if this will help you, Aaron, but it's worth considering: the worst part of the whole experience might be just the start of the date when you meet Sebastian.

    For example, I am in phase of trying to build up my social network. I don't have particularly great social skills. I'm better than the knife wielding maniac in a horror movie, but I'm not Dale Carnegie (author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, either. The worst part is just meeting the person. Once that's over with, things always improve.
     
    #11 BMC77, May 18, 2013
    Last edited: May 18, 2013
  12. clarkec1

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    Breathe, focus on the positives, what's the worst that could happen? Be yourself, and relax, don't try to impress him with someone that isn't you. Good luck!