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I want opinions on this relationship.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JaggedCrown, May 17, 2013.

  1. JaggedCrown

    JaggedCrown Guest

    This may be a weird thing to post about, but my bf thought I should hear others' opinions and views on our relationship. He's a man I've known for years, and I want to live my life with him. This post is to see others' views on our past problems, and the way they're still negatively affecting us. Things I've done are still bothering him, and he still has doubts about being with me. I'm going to be showing both of our views on the problems as well as I can. This will probably be long. I hope some people care to talk about it.

    In 2011, I broke up with him. It seemed reasonable to me. For a long time, he barely ever showed he loved me, and acted in ways meant to hurt me. He made up stories about him cheating on me, pretended to hate me and only want sex at times, and other things like that with the excuse that they were "tests", in his words, when I was already devoted to him and wanting to be his forever. A long period of that behavior made me want to leave.

    His reason for being that way was his horrible life at home. He was going through verbal and physical abuse from his parents almost every day, even worse than usual, I guess since they found out we were dating. I don't believe his nightmarish conditions justified him treating me the way he did. But still, I never really talked to him about it, as I was usually scared to talk to him about anything. When I was breaking up with him, he admitted why he had been like that, and revealed he really did love me and want a life together. Now, I'm wishing I had forgiven him. But then, the way he had treated me for so long had me feeling like staying with him would be the worst thing to do. Even though I knew he was sincere, I didn't want to go through any more of that abuse. I had been hurting emotionally for about a year because of him.

    The thing that he talks about the most, so I guess it bothers him the most, is that I "left him for a girl". I guess the truth can be put that way. I had finally given up believing our relationship meant anything to him anymore, and I left him and immediately dated a girl.

    A few months later, I decided on what I believe was the right thing, and wanted to be with him again. It was a few weeks after I broke up with that girl. But my guy didn't want to take me back. Ever since then, I've wished I wised up and talked to him about things, instead of breaking up. I kept begging him to be with me. He wouldn't. So, for a while, I had an immature trait, that I felt like I needed to be in a relationship with someone, no matter what, so I was usually talking with or dating someone. I talked to a bunch of losers, some who even pretended to be better people.

    The next big thing that bothers my man is when I dated a girl who lived near me for the first time. I haven't mentioned it before, so I will now. I make it clear to anyone I try dating that I'm a devout Christian (although some of my past actions were sinful) and I like following the laws as well as I can. I always wanted to find someone that's worth marrying, and I dislike sexual things with a temporary partner. The girl from my school that I dated, she lied and manipulated me into going farther though, something I though only males did. She pretended to be Christian (she was atheist), and always tried to make our relationship seem like a perfect thing. I did sexual things with her (not all the way), after being pressured into the things.

    My view on that stuff is: I was disgusted by it, since sexual things mean nothing to me without real love. It still hurts to think about it. And it was, by definition, date rape, since I was pressured into the acts. Although nobody really agrees with me, since she's a girl and I'm "male" (really trans female). My guy's view on that stuff is: He feels like I cheated on him, since I didn't stay single while he was pushing me away from him. He always says I could have stopped doing things with her, so he blames me for getting pressured into sexual things (date rape). Obviously, it angers and hurts me that he blames me for it, but there's his view on it, and I'd like to hear others' opinions too. It still bothers him in the way a partner cheating would.

    After my rapist confessed the truth to me about her lies and manipulation, I left her and stopped talking to her or seeing her. Soon after that, in the summer of last year, my guy and I talked again. Like the year before, I fought and begged to be with him. A cycle began that lasted for months. He would be with me, having me believe we would always be together finally, but then he would leave. His reasons for leaving would be him getting worried that I'm cheating or looking for other dates (I wasn't) or that he just didn't feel like being with me, things like that. Or sometimes when he learned things about my life during the time he was pushing me away. He would usually take me back in a day or a few. So that was happening multiple times a week usually, for months.

    During the times he left me, I still had that immature trait that I felt I needed to be with someone. When his actions would make me feel like he'd never be with me again, I searched for someone else to date. He saw it as cheating. I don't, since it was only during times he left me, when he made it clear he didn't wanna be with me. But though I don't see it as cheating, I still see it as immature. I was always trying to work things out with him, make things good for us, like I should have done in 2011.

    The latest big thing that still bothers him started last December. I was looking on dating sites, like I usually did while we were apart. I found someone near me I could live with, away from parents. I wanted my guy to come with me there, since both of our parents were always obstacles. He wouldn't. I tried something that was very stupid, and I'm not sure how I thought it was a good idea. I tried making him jealous by saying my roommate and I were having sex (we didn't). That just bothered him, and it didn't make him want to live there with me. I recently was able to come back with my dad and brother, giving up trying living with a roommate. My man still worries and sometimes believes that I really did have sex with my roommate. There's a reason he has to be bothered though. When he wouldn't go live there with me, my roommate and I did try seeing if we would work in a relationship. Still, there wasn't sexual acts. I found out in a few weeks that we couldn't possibly work as partners. My roommate was a trans female, who shows many negative stereotypical traits of a male. She wanted sex and no commitment or romance. So that wouldn't work. It makes sense though, that he's bothered that we wanted to see if there was anything.

    I guess that's all the big things. Now, we're together, and he suggested this site, which he used once before, to see people's opinions on this stuff. He still seems to be torn on whether he should stay with me. He sees me as a very bad person in the past because of what I did. I don't think I was as bad as he does, but nobody thinks they're bad. I was very immature and stupid in hindsight though.
     
  2. Goodnyte

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    First of all; wow. That is very up and down for a while. Now to the point of your post, I agree with you. You don't seem to be a bad person, you were definitely immature though. Not cheating since you weren't together. I do think that once you guys smooth these things out. How he treated you in '11 (because that seems to still bother you though), the fact that you tried to make him jealous, etc.

    You need to make sure he completely understands that you did not have sex with your roommate. If that means you have to contact them to have them tell him, do it. Though, that may backfire...

    I do not find what happened with that girl cheating. You had every right to go out and date other people while he was pushing you away. Now, this is just me, I don't know about anybody else. However, it is kind of his fault. If he hadn't pushed you away, you wouldn't have left and dated someone else and then all this other stuff happen.

    You guys seem to have a very rocky relationship (that is what I'm interpreting. I don't know if that is right) with some trust issues. Maybe therapy? I don't know. I know some people who have gone to couples therapy and it work. Maybe it will help you guys. However, I think there is obviously something keeping you guys together. If even through these things you guys stay together. I think you should stay together and see how it goes.

    I don't know if anything I said helped, I mean come on. I'm just a 14-year-old, crazy girl. Everything I said may not be helpful, but eh. I tried to help.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Femmeme

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    I'm sorry, but your guy sounds cruel, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

    Between him and the girl that took advantage of you, there is a pattern here of abusive relationships. Maybe you should think about talking to a therapist about how and why you keep gravitating toward people who go out of their way to hurt you.