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Taste of own medicine

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dakine, May 17, 2013.

  1. Dakine

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    So I'm crushing on a friend of mine who for SEVERAL reasonsakes me feel he has similar feelings but that's not the point. My point is, he is by far the worst texter. That's all fine, but its totally a "do as I say, not as I do". He continuously ignores my texts on a regular basis, and comes up with bogus excuses as to why he does. However, if I even go close to an hour without responding to him, the shit hits the fan. No lie, last night he texted me after ignoring me for 2 days and within 30 seconds of me not responding he started phoning. I was just getting out of the shower so I couldn't answer. His voicemail started by saying that IM bad with MY phone lol. I just don't understand him.

    I love him to death. I think his main issue is that I make him deal with feelings he doesn't want to deal with at the moment. But my issue is, I'm sick of the lame excuses as to why he doesn't talk, and although I think it's absolutely adorable how easily he gets worked up if I can't respond, it's getting old. I'm starting to think that I should give him a taste of his own medicine and just truly ignore him for days. But st the same time I don't want to do any damage with him dealing with his sexuality. I'm almost certain he is a denial case. So no point of trying to tell me he isn't hahaha. Any suggestions as to how to get the point across that its bot fair how he can talk to me whenever he wants or ignore whenever he wants but I always have to respond to him within minutes or I get punished by even more silence? Thanks
     
  2. Parsley

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    I don't think playing a game with him by giving him a taste of his own medicine on purpose will help things out ESPECIALLY if he is a denial case like you suspect. Like you said, he's likely avoiding you because he's feeling things he'd rather not admit. But it sounds like he's at least trying to work through that by being in touch with you at all. I'd say, be his friend, be patient, and offer to be there if he ever needs to get anything off his chest. Don't expect anything to come from your crush because he might not be ready for anything for a long time or ever. Just be his friend for now. If he comes out later, great and maybe something can come of it then.

    I'm saying this having been in his position. I had extreme denial. When that denial was challenged it would make me panic, or be irrationally angry at the person I was actually crushing on (though not admitting that part to myself). I especially had the panic this most recent crush which was the first time I acknowledged to myself that not only was I having feelings for a girl, but they were feelings I'd never had for a guy, and that was kinda gay. I would avoid my crush, and then desperately want to be near her, and then decide never to talk to her again, and then be angry that I felt things for her I didn't feel for guys. It's confusing and upsetting. I was a mess.

    What I'm saying is, this guy is probably going through a lot of shit right now if he really is staring his denial in the face. Cut him some slack. Offer some just general support. And if you feel like you need to tell him something that is bothering you such as him getting upset when you don't reply right away, just tell him directly and kindly.
     
  3. Dakine

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    Thanks a bunch. That's how I've been handling it so far. I Care soooo much that I'm walking around on pins and needles afraid to do anything. Dude is an amazing person, but I know it's just me he ignores, but at the same time, look out of I go even an hour without responding to him. See I'm a firm believer in being patient and understanding, but st the same time being stern and truthful, I'm just trying to find the appropriate balance without doing damage to him. I will guarantee he's not straight...yes bold, I know. But I know what it's all about. It's just at what point do I condone the running from it or at what point do I gently say its ok to be gay. Meh, I hate when it's a person you really care for, and u know they are such an amazing person. When he lets his true colors shine, I've never known anyone so perfect.

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2013 at 06:56 PM ----------

    I really appreciate your second paragraph because he can be so irrational at times. Soooooo irrational lol. It's cute though

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2013 at 07:08 PM ----------

    My goodness did u sum him up in that second paragraph. I wish you could understand how much you just helped me be more patient....thanks a ton :slight_smile:
     
  4. Parsley

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    That's tricky. It's not really your place to decide when he stops running from this part of himself. He's got to be ready for that on his own. Being confronted directly may just make him run from it faster and more determined, which is exactly what it did to me when I was confronted as a teen.

    I can give you some advice on how to make him feel more comfortable talking to you about LGBT stuff. But I'm a bit of a hypocrite here since I'm not out to my crush at all. I would probably deny it if she asked me, but I think she knows that and so she doesn't ask which I appreciate. I don't want to have to lie to her.

    Are you out to him? My crush being out was a huge help because I know that it is okay to discuss LGBT stuff with her if I want to, and because I know she's there if I want to come out and need advice.

    Anyway, what's made me more comfortable talking about LGBT stuff in general with her is having it feel normal. My crush is very out and open about being gay, which is normalizing. She talks about funny exgirlfriend stories, or terrible dates. She talks about her current girlfriend. She talks about hot actress on tv (this did freak me out at first because I was afraid I'd have to lie about agreeing). We talk about gay rights in the news. We talk about The L Word, which I watched because I heard her talking about it. She has talked to me about someone at her job obviously playing "the pronoun game" when she asked a question and her feeling badly that he felt he had to hide the fact that he was gay from her. She discussed her fear that people would find out she was gay when she was young. All of this made it feel okay to talk about, and normal.

    None of these things have involved her confronting me about my sexuality (or about the fact that I blushed at her constantly for a few months), so they haven't really made me panic and freeze up. And she's so relaxed about the whole thing that if I panic because someone brings up an LGBT topic, I realize how silly I'm being. It does also help that we are discussing these things in a group of friends (some straight, some not, some undeclared) since she didn't bring the topics up to me and it was more just a group discussion.

    As I've gotten more comfortable, I've stopped being afraid to speak up during these conversations. But I was silent when these topics came up for MONTHS. But now I'll say that Dana was the best character on The L Word. And that I'll agree with hot actress assessments. And for the first time in my life I'll discuss gay rights, and LGBT news issues. This alone is amazing progress for me.


    Well at least you find his irrationality cute. :lol:


    Just a note: My advice is based on the assumption that he's gay and closeted/in denial. For all I know he might be straight. I'm just going with your guess here.
     
  5. Dakine

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    Thank you sooooo much for your advice. You have described how my friend is handling it to a tee. This has helped a lot :slight_smile:
     
  6. Dakine

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    In the meantime, how do I stay sane with the unresponsive approach he is giving me? Like I said, I know we have something deeper but it's obvious cause I can see him doing shit with his phone on Facebook at the same time he's ignoring me, but like I said, watch out if I ignore him...I know I mean something to him but I can't handle the ignoring much longer
     
  7. mojoe

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    In the positions we are in, maintaining sanity certainly isn't easy. I really do think that offering him a taste of his own medicine is the absolute worst way to go about it. I mean sure, it might possibly make him realize what he's doing to you but that's unlikely. It's more likely that it would just make him angry and avoid you even more. It certainly wont help you keep your sanity. It would drive you even more nuts just wondering what he's thinking, not knowing if you've pushed him too far to return.

    I guess what I would suggest is the "kill 'em with kindness" approach. When he goes into his avoidance and "ignore you" mode, tell him things that would make him feel good. Compliment him, remind him how important he is to you, tell him how much you want to hang out with him. Things like that. I can't guarantee how effective that will be but it can't hurt. If anything, just remind yourself of how much you know that he cares about you. He may not always show it, but you seem quite confident that your friendship is something deeper than a normal friendship. Just keep in mind that all your effort is leading up to what will hopefully be the most satisfying relationship anyone could ask for. At least that's what I tell myself when my friend treats me like his boyfriend without acknowledging it.