I am holding onto a dream that can never be. A beautiful (relatively:icon_wink) innocent dream of building a life with the most wonderful person I know. I faintly suspect that she might be a bit homophobic, but as I've never raised the subject I cannot say for sure. (She does not even know that I'm gay) We have a wonderful friendship and I'd rather settle for this than not seeing her at all. Trouble is I try to show off when I am near her and only end up making myself look like an idiot. When we play squash I often miss her serves because of looking at her instead of the ball...:icon_redf (and I am usually a very focused player) I really need either get over her or do something about my feelings without jeopardizing our friendship. Any ideas on what to do?
I'll just tell you what I'd do and hopefully I'll say something useful. If it was me, I'd feel the need to raise the subject to her, what you've said about her perhaps being homophobic scares me. So, I'd try to be subtle about it, and try not to give the impression that I was even too emotive over the topic. Otherwise she may begin to wonder why you're bringing it up, so, I'd keep it casual and subtle. Maybe assess how your relationship works, what you talk about etc. and try to find a way to bring it up in a casual way, if possible. This way you can see if she truly is homophobic, and in the worse case and she is homophobic than you can try to move on, and I'd personally try to forget her and even the friend ship altogether. Prepare yourself for the worst, just in case. If she turns out not to be homophobic, then maybe eventually you can come out to her. I'd still leave time between coming out and telling her you have feelings for her, you wouldn't want to overwhelm her with so much information at once. Again, in case she is not homophobic this doesn't indicate at all that she is also gay. She may simply not share your feelings, it's heartbreaking but definitely possible. I hope I was helpful, and good luck.
Thanks DelFelidae, I am in general not very good with subtle, but I think I'll give it a try. Otherwise I'll probably never get it through to my heart that I don't stand a chance! If my fears are grounded and the worst is true: how do I let go? My head knows that I'll be lucky to just get acceptance from her, but heart still believes in the possibility of something more.
No one can tell you how to let go of someone you have feelings for. I have had a couple crushes in the past, and in general the only way I really let go is by telling my heart to get lost and listen to my head. Your head might be the only thing that will really protect you from getting seriously hurt. I think sometimes emotions can be really damaging, its hard, but try not to greatly miss those which can't miss you to the same extent. It may come off as cold, but at least you don't get too hurt over people who don't share your feelings. One day someone will return your feelings! I hope I've helped and not upset you, if I come off as cold or harsh I don't mean to. I wish you the best of luck and I'll have my fingers crossed for the best for you!
I couldn't summon up the courage to raise the subject... No matter what I promise myself before getting into some random conversation with her, time spent together is just so precious that I don't want to waste a second of it (End of this year we are both off to varsity in different provinces miles apart) and also I think my heart is very afraid of having its dreams shattered. I just don't want to leave here thinking that I might have stood a chance and then hold back when a real chance on happiness comes my way. I know you are right DelFelidae - I should think with my head for a change. Thanks for the advice!!
