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Tension with Girlfriend's Family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by topaz, May 19, 2013.

  1. topaz

    Regular Member

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    I'm looking for a venue to express some of my concerns about my current relationship. I'd rather not discuss the issues with friends as most of my friends are straight and I think my issue is pretty unique to the LGBT community.

    To begin, I'm 28, out, and a lesbian. I came out when I was 19 to my family after a lengthy period of questioning and experimentation. My first girlfriend and I were together for many years before breaking up. Her family welcomed me at events and functions with open arms. My ex was also a very out lesbian and comfortable with her sexuality.

    I began dating my current girlfriend about 6 months ago. She had also been in a long-term relationship with a woman before they broke up. My gf is an immigrant who has lived in the US for several years but comes from a quite socially conservative family that doesn't approve of her being with women. She's told me that tensions existed with her previous gf and the family. Despite the fact that her family lives in the area where we live, I have only met her father once for a brief period of time (he speaks no English) and I was introduced as a friend. I have not met any of the rest of her family, which hurts me. She says that I wouldn't want to meet her family anyway, and that she's saving me from bad interactions. They want her to date men.

    To complicate matters, she HAS dated men. In between her ex and myself, she dated a guy that she introduced to her family almost immediately. She's told me that she wants to be with women, but that family pressure and judgement has made her try being with guys. Those relationships have never lasted. I'm not honestly that concerned that she's actually interested in men or that she'll leave me for a man because I think she's very gay, but I'm concerned about how she represents herself to her family.

    She looked confused when I asked her if she'd ever come out to them before. She said, 'Well, they know that I've dated women." She also has said things to me like, "I'm not a dyke. Dykes are butch women." Her family seems to think that her sexuality is a choice. She also seems to be reinforcing this misguided assumption by sometimes bringing around guys. The family doesn't seem to understand why she'd 'choose' to be with a woman. The feel her 'choices' bring shame on the family.

    While I understand this is an extremely difficult situation for her, it's also painful for me to be with someone who treats me as a separate, hidden part of her life . I've had to leave functions if her family is coming so that my presence won't upset anyone. When she is with her family, she has very limited communication with me.

    Yet because of her background she is incredibly family oriented. She wants children, a house in a 'nice neighborhood', and has very rigid ideas of gender identity. She talks about marriage and all kinds of conventional and hetero-normative things she aspires to have. As open I might be to some of those things, it's incredibly hard to hear about them while simultaneously being shut out from her own family life. I realize she is trying to find her way in a country that is not her own--- there are many issues of identity and assimilation at work---but I don't know how to protect myself from pain and hurt in this case. If we were ever to have children, particularly if she gave birth to them, how would the family treat me? I would worry that they could try to prevent me from seeing them.

    I'm very much in love with her, and I try to be supportive of her own journey through this but sometimes I wonder if it's a futile endeavor.
     
  2. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Try ur best to fit in until the very end and in the end if it doesn't work out prepare yourself to get ur heart broken . Sorry I'm 19 so I don't have much experience in the dating scene :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: