Okay, so this is it: Im writing here because one of my closest friends has a problem that she doesnt want to talk to anyone except me about, and shes feeling really bad about it and doesnt know what to do, and neither do I. And I know that sounds like the tackiest excuse, but I promise on the life of my mother that its true, and I really need help because my friend doesn’t know how to deal with this and I want to help her. So, after I came out to my friends, two of them came out as well, but only to me and my friend, lets call her S. And after that they’ve been pretty, um, close and touch each other, hug and hold hands etc. Nothing weird with it, since theyre both girls and really close friends, but then it only got more and more and I and S knew of course that there was something between them, and I dunno, maybe the others had their suspicions as well. However, not too long ago they told us they were together, as we suspected, and I and my friends got really happy for them of course, but S feels really bad. Heres why: Shes one of their closest friends, they used to be like a trio, and now that theyre together she feels kind of abandoned and is struggling being happy for them because she feels hurt and thinks that they’ve become different, especially when theyre together, like in the same place. Therefore she doesn’t know what to feel; she has a hard time to accept it and also hates herself for not being happy for them, and she knows she cant do anything about it and that its none of her business. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it, she is kind of shy and really the only one she can talk to about it is me. I don’t know what to tell her other than to try and accept it and not overthink it too much, and I feel worthless knowing that she is and how bad it makes her feel. Ive already suggested something like a therapist but she doesnt want to, she says shes so confused she doesnt know what to think or say. Any thoughts? Please, if you have anything; say it! It doesnt matter how worthless, I really need help helping her with it. Love <3
The first thing you should tell your friend, is that it`s okay to feel abandoned, she doesn`t have to feel guilty about it. We should embrace how we feel, and then deal with it, because that`s the only way to move on and forward. Some people are bad at keeping friendships when they`ve entered a relationship. It doesn`t make them bad people, just prone to get overly absorbed in their GF/BF. Often it results in friends then getting angry and disappointed, and pulling back. It actually happens very often, and for some reason, seemingly more often with lesbians. That`s not something I can confirm, just something I`ve heard a lot from the LGBT communities I`ve been a part of. If your friend is the patient type, maybe she can simply spend some extra time with you, and also get to know some new people, and in time the two love birds will probably calm down a bit. Considering this is new for them, being together and being open about it, it`s probably a big thing for them, and can account for why they are being "different" now. So, yeah, that`s my advice. Don`t feel guilty, just take a small step back and a big breath, and then she might manage to accept that they aren`t excluding her on purpose, and that she doesn`t have to lose them as friends. And she still has you as a friend, you can gently remind her that as well. If they retreat a lot, she could tell them that she misses their friendship, and that she feels that they`ve shut her out a lot after they came out about being together. They might not be aware of it if they are actually pulling back. But if they aren`t pulling back, and it`s just the new balance of the group that`s bothering her, she might want to try and get used to it, because group dynamics are bound to change a bit if relationships form in it. The biggest problem could occur if they split up on negative terms, because then she`ll be stuck in the middle. So, for her to acquire some additional social circle, and spend time with you as well, is probably a good idea.
