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"Gay" husband still wants sex with me...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Demi, May 22, 2013.

  1. Demi

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    Hi there, first post, I'll try to keep it condensed. 30 year old woman, husband is 41 (together 10 years).

    Hubby has always been bi and obviously I'm cool with this but recently he told me he has been not attracted to any women at all in the past month or so (aside from me) and thinks he's "full gay" despite the fact that he a) loves me/wants to stay with me b) wants to havse sex with me/is satisfied/turned on by sex with me.

    We have a LOT of anal and oral, I'm kinky and more than open to MfM BUT I am becoming increasingly worried about:
    a) his attraction to me fading to the point that he continues being 'normal' with me out of obligation and that he will unhappy to the point that things will end.
    b) Him deciding he needs for his main partner to be male and giving me the 'love you but not IN love with you' talk.
    c) that he'll find gay action on the side because he needs to.
    d) That I will always be second best to any man and he only has sex with me because it's convenient/the 'right' thing to do.

    I told him by definition he's bi, but he says he's not and wants to explore being 'fully gay', that self identification is the only thing that matters to him, that nothing will change between us and that he will absolutely not cheat.

    I attract a lot of attention from men so part of me is even getting resenty wondering if shy, socially inept him simply sees me as a means of acting as his 'gay training wheels'.

    He says since he said 'I'm gay' in his mind, he's been at peace. This of course makes me happy for him but also scared that the end of our marriage is an inevitability if he is indeed GAY rather than bi.

    SO. Am I being paranoid/stupid here? I understand there are spectrums (Kinsey etc) but am I naive to think I'm the only woman this guy could possibly be attracted to? Do you think maybe this is a matter of him merely needing to explore his 'gay' side (rather than his 'bi' side), could he really be 'gay' if he stays mega hard while going down on me and if he really wasn't into it could a truly gay guy stay hard performing oral on me or having sex with me whilst thinking about men? If he is 'gay' does that mean he'll always have to be thinking about men when he's with me or that we're on borrowed time here until he can't stand it anymore and has to be 'fully gay'?

    If he's truly gay won't semi monogamy with me always be inferior/oppressive and just not as good as what may be 'out there'?

    Really need advice, scared as hell. :frowning2:
     
    #1 Demi, May 22, 2013
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  2. LD579

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    I'm not as qualified as others are to speak about this subject, but technically speaking, if he says he's gay and has no attraction to women at all, it would be quite odd for him to still be more than fine with having sex with you.

    I bet you've talked to him before, but you might want to do so once more. Ask him why he still has sex with you and if he enjoys it and if he can still be with you though he calls himself gay. It just seems odd that he is at peace now that he's apparently come to terms with only liking guys, yet still has sex with you.

    It could just be from habit, perhaps, that he has sex with you, but I don't think that's just the only reason. For many people, they think that once they acknowledge their same-sex feelings of attraction they're no longer straight and that they're actually truly gay. For many, that just simply isn't the case. He really just might be bisexual but thinks he's gay because of the shock of coming to terms with it all, basically. People have talked themselves into believing odder things.

    You're probably going to have to have an open, honest, and raw talk with him about your relationship with each other and your worries (At least, I really recommend that you do so, as open communication is effective and important in relationships). He really owes it to you to give you some clear answers, though they may not be forthcoming for a while, as these things can take time to sort out.
     
  3. unknown17050

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    It's hard to say, it could be he just really loves you so much, he just does not find other women attractive and he is just making a bigger deal out of it than it already is, a case of which I know of until I realized I am just a not very sexual person when it comes down to it. (Meaning Asexual or not very sexual Straight Person) As for the Bi part, is he sure he's Bi? Does he still have the occasional attraction towards men? Not every gay person who gets married to a woman and comes out later as full blown gay has a Gay lover you know, even highly sexual people don't need sex all the time, it's just unhealthy and not physically possible for some. Another thing to consider, maybe he's truely Bi and has not experimented with other men as much as he should. Studies have shown, Bi sexuals tend to have larger sex drives than hetero's or homo's, so it is possible he is just feeling sexually starved when it comes to one half of his sexuality, but that's just a thought and may not be 100% true, but I imagine that being the case here considering he as far as you say; only had sex with you, if he had sex with a man; let alone enjoyed his sex with that man, odds are he's probably just hungry for more and just has no way of getting rid of it. But if neither is the case and your fears are true, don't be sad or anything, if you truly love him, you'd want him to be happy, and he'd be doing it just to make you happy too. I hope what I said helped out and did not offend anyone.
     
  4. jimL

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    Your still young and time is on your side. I think you need to really think very seriously about this relationship. I'm gay, have been all my life, and came out two years ago at 56. I think all gay guys, especially in today's society, will eventually decide being in a heterosexual relationship will not work for them anymore. So, that being said, wouldn't it be easier for both of you to move on at this point in your life as opposed to when I did?
     
  5. clarkec1

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    I'm not sure about all the fancy names so I'm just going to explain them.
    He could either be:

    Bisexual
    Loves both, sexual and physical attraction for women only
    Loves both, sexual and physical attraction for both
    Loves men only, sexual and physical attraction for women only
    Loves women only, sexual and physical attraction for both

    There might be more, or I might have repeated one or got it completely wrong, but I hoped I helped!
     
  6. Demi

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    Considering all the opinions above but I"m coming to learn that sex doesn't seem binary and not everyone fits in a label. One person I've been talking to says simply "if he's into you, he's into you" and maybe there's some truth to that.
    We're in constant open communication and he's not merely 'ok' with having sex with me, he's eager. We both have very high sex drives, are open to action together and while I think a guy 'going through the motions' when he doesn't want to is possible, that certainly isn't the case right now, we're really into each other.

    I think maybe since he's at the very least coming out with strong bi feelings that maybe the gay side is something he really needs to explore because it's been neglected (and we're having a lot of fun sexually in the meanwhile).

    My concern is things changing but perhaps that's a concern in any marriage be it between two straights, two gays, two whatevers....everyone will at some point wonder if they're enough and the other is happy.

    Twist! I do have a long distance boyfriend that is very into MfM (as we are) and we're keen to get together and play or even consider something more permanent.
    All of us are really excited by the idea of multiples and whilst I'm NOT ok with him seeking exclusively gay lovers to my exclusion, I am more than into playing with other men with him which he says is 'awesome' (and then he says I'm a 'gay man with tits' hehe).
    Strangely, I think he has something there. I have often joked that I'm a gay man in a woman's body, all I lack is a penis really and we can get those left and right if we want.

    I'll keep you posted but I'm not ready to go just assume he's '100% gay' and there inevitably be no 'us'. As long as our attraction to each other persists, who knows what we are? If we love each other, are open and communicating, if it works it works.
     
    #6 Demi, May 22, 2013
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  7. jimL

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    My earlier response was based on him being gay. It sounds like he really isn't gay but for some reason wants to think he is. I think it's kinda confusing from what you explained.
     
  8. Demi

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    I'm not sure how it could have been confused, the post is about him wanting to identify as 'fully gay' but us both being confused over him still being really into me, a female. Is it possible for a person to only be attracted to ONE person of the opposite sex?
     
  9. jimL

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    Well maybe, but unlikely. Maybe you are his comfort zone. I was married for 23 years. I loved my wife. She was and still is my best friend. We had some awesome sex, or what I thought was awesome until I met a guy who showed what it was like to love a man. My image of awesome changed pretty quickly. Your in a complicated situation that I think will only be resolved when he explores his "gay side." Only problem is is that you may lose out if he finds what I did. It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants or needs. Only time will tell.
     
  10. Reptillian

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    I'm gonna post a unpopular opinion and just gonna point out that there are stories of mixed-orientation marriage that are rather successful although admittedly there are very few successful ones. They come with compromises and boundaries with some degree of emotional attachment or emotional attraction. Sexual attraction is not the same thing as emotional attraction while emotional attraction can be a reason to engage into sexual activity. Also, being a homosexual does not mean you can't enjoy sex with the opposite sex and it doesn't mean that you are incapable of having emotional attraction within the opposite sex. The Diamond studies shows that there are people who fell in love with the "wrong" gender in spite of having attraction to the other one and there is one other documentary of Diamond that shows love and lust differs even in animals which only shows that sexuality may not have to do with emotional attraction. One more thing, one can still be gay if there's a exception because if that exception doesn't exist, then the person will be considered gay by society's eye.

    @OP: That being said, I will have to agree with the other poster that there is a possibility that he may be confused or doesn't know what he wants or he might end up breaking up with you. However, if he does love you very much and enjoys the fact that he wants to make you happy, then I can't see the problem here whether he's a homosexual or not as long as you and he enjoys each other.
     
    #10 Reptillian, May 22, 2013
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  11. Browncoat

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    Well, I can't necessarily speak for him but I'm guessing he was speaking to this:

    That, well...that just doesn't sound "gay," if you pardon my wording. :lol: It didn't necessarily come across in your first post - based on what you put above, even if he does want to identify as "gay" for some reason, he's clearly not lost interest in you.

    So, I can't really add much more, I would have highly suggested this:

    but it was already suggested, and you were already doing it.



    I can address the issue of the lack of continuity in labeling one's sexual orientation, though. Frankly, sexuality is so freaking complicated that you flat out can't label it in any specific fashion - at least in my opinion. For instance I've been periodically reading up conversations on this site for several years, and the range within which people feel attractions, engage them, personally view them, and deal with them are ridiculously far and between.

    Now, normally I'd be apt to say that it doesn't really matter what you "are," it's what you feel and how you react to what you feel. However, your husband's behavior as described just doesn't sound like someone who would label himself "gay"... At least, not in the sense that they, being in an engaging long-term relationship with someone, would just pick up and say "I'm 100% straight up gay." I mean...if nothing else he's clearly "you-sexual" (yeah, pardon my corny wording again, lol).


    That being said, as I was going to originally say before rambling on, and as was alluded to by another poster, there are a lot of different feelings to describe the few words (in this case "gay" and "bisexual") we use to describe sexuality. Your husband could potentially fit under a lot of different scenarios, for example one you hear a lot described:

    the "swinging" bisexual orientation. Where someone's orientation appears to jump periodically, say every three months or so. One period where they're far more so attracted to men, then suddenly another where it's all women. Or,

    your husband could, in fact, lean strongly towards men. However, that doesn't mean he couldn't have sex with women, or that he wouldn't enjoy it at all. It just means he is far more apt to say "men are hot" than "women are hot." Sure, there are people that are 100% "x", and who could not under any circumstances enjoy sex with "x" gender, but that doesn't mean everyone is. Or,

    he could be bisexual and merely just fully coming to terms with it, as has been suggested. There's a certain euphoria related to that, and it can be temporarily blinding. It makes sense, you fully realize that potential that you've been keeping down... and bam, you can finally say "man, men are hot" while at the same time being attracted to women..but being in a temporary stupor with the same sex. Or,

    maybe he's gay (and you can still have sex with women and be gay, as I've already said), and despite the fact that his behavior really doesn't point toward it (at all..), truly believes and/or knows that he would be more fulfilled in a relationship with a man.

    Who knows? We can't get in his head. Just keep up the open communication part (hell maybe even pick his brain enough to go about mapping out his sexuality if you want :lol:slight_smile:, and that's about all you can ask for. Anyways, hope I'm not senselessly rambling about for no reason - and good luck. :thumbsup:
     
    #11 Browncoat, May 22, 2013
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  12. Demi

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    Thank you, Lovely (and all), we had a long talk (followed by much erm...physical contact) and we've basically settled on 'pan' guy really into exploring gay side right now with 'pomosexual' wife who happens to be a gay male trapped in a woman's body hehe.
    I know it sounds a little kooky but it seems to fit us really well and we're just focusing on discovering/understanding ourselves and each other more whilst staying in a loving, committed relationship (plus guest stars from time to time heh).
    I'll keep y'all posted in the name of information, I hope we can maintain this balance. I think he was just scared to face his 'totally gay' side and now that he knows we can look at it together it's obvious it's not to my exclusion even if he really isn't into women in general. So...that's how the cookie crumbles for now I guess. Thanks!
     
  13. EddyG

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    gay guy here, married 25 years, fell in love with my wife at 24. It is strange that I'm totally gay -- never fantasized about women -- but when I met my wife I really liked her, sex worked for the first time ever with a woman and was actually very good, and that (good sex) lasted about 12 years, during which time we had two kids.

    So it is totally possible to be gay and to have sex with and want to have sex with a woman you are emotionally close to and love. But...

    For me, during this time, I still had very occasional sex with a guy friend, nothing emotional only physical. And after about 12 years my feelings began to change and I wasn't as interested in sex with her. We stayed together another 14 years, many sexless ones but still occasional sex including near the end feeling of obligation. But that obligation sex doesn't work very well, and you can tell.

    One difference is I never told my wife any of this until I came out a couple months ago. So you're in a very different situation and i think it's great you guys are being totally open and honest with each other. And people are different so who knows. But I'd say be sure to maintain those communication lines, it's really hard to be totally honest about some of this but if you can be and if you are both open to changes towards him being more gay and wanting a guy relationship, you'll be okay.

    What you don't want to happen is to wake up one day down the road, having committed a big chunk of your life and prime years to your husband, and find that he's decided he wants his primary relationship to be with a guy. That's my wife's situation now and we are 54... not a happy story.
     
  14. Demi

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    Whilst I'm more than fine with threesomes and even the possibility of me sharing my (trusted and bi) boyfriend with him, I will not be ok with him having gay relationships 'on the side' without me, so there's an easy 'out' for him I guess.
    Here's hoping we can stay honest and everything isn't already ruined. :frowning2:
     
  15. Demi

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    Update:
    Update in the name of information: Suddenly, my 'gay' husband is really, really into watching me with another woman (which I'm right into) so we've got that lined up AND a fantastic MfM threesome with someone I trust which I'm really looking forward to. Here and on other forums I've encountered two types of replies. Enlightened, helpful ones like 'gender is not binary', ones that are more pessimistic but something to ponder over and less well thought out ones like 'he's gay and will cheat, your marriage is over. The end'.
    After much discussion and sex and discussion and sex (we both have very high sex drives), it's clear that he's pretty 'pansexual' (as am I) and is exploring his gay side which is totally cool with me and does not automatically mean he's '100% gay' (after a life of being a pussyhound), nor does a situation like this give one a 'green pass' to cheat or bail (which neither of us want). I appreciate all well thought out replies and hope that our history of respek' and love towards each other makes this an adventure rather than an epitaph.
     
  16. Browncoat

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    I take it you're referring to your initial concern that your husband might be "100% gay," and not to your new-found solution of "spreading the love" shall I say (oh, corny metaphors :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) to satisfy everyone's sexual interests?

    Which I will assume (that it referred to your initial concern), since it doesn't sound like you have any problem now. You've set the boundaries (nothing on the side) and it's all relatively good?

    Assuming that's the case obviously I can only: :eusa_clap. I wish you guys luck. :slight_smile:. And fun. Lots and lots of fun :grin:.
     
  17. Demi

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    Actually, yeah we're having a pretty good time with this now. Hehe.
     
  18. Tightrope

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    This is reality. All these combinations exist, and maybe a few more. Some people don't want to be this open minded and see this.
     
  19. Demi

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    Update! Hubby and I have discovered that he's apparently only interested in men if it's a MfM situation which works very, very well for me. Sexy experimentation continues, in the end it was all about exploration/kink/experimentation/fun so we're not attempting to label things anymore and just rolling with it. Let this be a glimmer of hope that sexuality indeed isn't binary for anyone searching for their own sexuality (or dealing with a spouse doing the same). I'm feeling very, very lucky right now to have a man who is totally cool with me having my LD boyfriend AND is turned on by playing with other men with me AND is open to all kinds of fun but within the security of our 11 year relationship.
    I'm a happy camper. :slight_smile:
     
  20. jimL

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    Holy cow....you are so lucky. Have fun with it.