Need Advice from Gay Men

Background: I am 43 and husband is 38. When we met I was 27 and a divorcee, he was 23 and a virgin. We have been together 15+ years, we married because of accidental pregnancy that resulted in a beautiful daughter. My husband is a great dad, and they are close.

I am concerned that my husband is actually gay and has just repressed and suppressed it, here are some of the factors that have led me to this conclusion:

1. Late sexual development (lost his virginity at 23 and clung to the first woman he found).

2. He was weirdly homophobic when we met, to the point that it was seriously disturbing to me. He is only homophobic of gay men and is indifferent to lesbians, etc. There must be a 'male' component to the non-hetro sexuality for him to have a fear of it. My spouse cannot point to any experience he has had to make him uncomfortable and/or wary around gay men. He thinks the mere fact that he is male means all gay men "want" him, and will try to have sex with him (I know, kind of funny). We had some fairly serious fights about it initially, and I told him I just wouldn't tolerate any form of judgment and homophobia.

3. His father is weirdly homophobic of gay men. His father claims to have had a bad experience where he had to 'fight off' a gay man.

4. He is a mother-bonded male. His mom has a strong, domineering and controlling personality. She always hated his dad, so when my husband was born he became the center of his mother's universe. He is truly the golden boy in her world. Not only did she wear a wedding dress to our wedding, but shortly after we were married she called me and "conceded" that I had "won". I thought it was ridiculous at the time, but now that we've been married for a decade plus I understand why she felt threatened. My husband tends to try to force me into a 'mothering' role. He acts like a little boy to me rather than as an equal mate. He even talks like a little boy 'in bed'.

5. Once our daughter was born, I became increasingly worried about his outspokenness against gay men. I was terrified how it would impact our daughter, and no amount of admonishment from me changed his behaviors. So . . . . I started "teasing" him that the reason he was so homophobic is because he was actually repressing his own homosexuality. While he denied as much, he at least shut his yap and stopped saying stupid stuff in front of our daughter.

6. He has the best "gaydar" of any man I've ever seen. Of course, he only notices other gay men, not lesbians. Now, when he points out gay men to me, I tease him that he should come out of the closet, that our daughter (she is 14 now) has several gay friends and would be cool with it. . . that he wouldn't need to fear anything. He generally brushes these comments off without saying anything in response.

7. We went to Key West two years ago and he absolutely loved the place. Loved it. Wanted to contact a real estate agent and start looking for a vacation rental to buy. When I pointed out to him that Key West is a well-known gay community, he said he was fine with it.

8. His identity is strangely connected to having sex with me. If I turn him down he literally throws a temper tantrum and gets upset and tells me that he feels unattractive, and undesirable, and inadequate as a man. No amount of reassurance, other than sex itself, convinces him otherwise.

9. He has little to no use for women. He has never had any female friends, is dismissive of female coworkers, largely ignores his sister, largely ignores me, but is a kickass dad to our daughter at least.

10. He is quick to see gay men where they don't exist. The other night we were at a brewery and a group of younger men came in for a tour, as the group was walking into the brewing room my husband excitedly commented to me that some of them were slapping each other's asses. I told him that drinking must bring his homophobia to the surface because "ass slapping" is not exclusive to gay men, and pointed out football players ass-slap all the time.

I am completely open to any and all feedback. A friend of mine who is a therapist and treats post-traumatic stress disorder recently told me that I should just confront him and ask if he might be gay. I worry that doing so would cause more damage than good, and if he is gay, I want him to get there in his own time, in his own way. I believe that on some level he knows that I will "protect" him if he comes out, and in fact, looking back, that may be why he picked me . . . is because early on when we were dating I was quite harsh with him for being so homophobic.

TIA

 

Ya, once upon a time I was probably part of the problem. I did everything I could to try to make the marriage better and get close to him, and just couldn't get a read on him or figure him out, and I am very good at figuring people out, almost a 6th sense. Part of me wonders if it is just because he has an over-bearing mother, there are theories that mama's boys can't bond with other women because it would upset mama too much.

When I met his extended family, the first thing his aunt told me was how surprised she was to see me as she thought he was gay. He seems to watch other men very closely, but maybe he is just still trying to figure out how to be a man after all that mother smothering.

This past year or so, I've given up on being despondent over the marriage. It is what it is. I'm hoping me making peace with it will be what it takes for him to take the next step. If he is gay I just want him to move on and be happy, while I think we would have some run-of-the-mill disagreements that go with divorce, we'd be amicable. I'd also be fine with staying married and him having relationships on the side. He is such a good guy, if he needed me as a beard to feel safe, I'd be fine with that too. I do love him, and that's what love is, it is selfless and kind. Of course, I would also expect him to be happy with me moving on and having a new relationship too so long as I kept it discrete. There should be plenty of happiness to go around if done right. We both work in conservative professions in the midwest, and even though sexual orientation etc. shouldn't matter, it does still in most circles.

Thanks for your thoughts . . .