If a friend came out to you but they previously had maintained their straightness and were quite direct in that, is there ever a good time to tell them u knew they were gay/bi all along? Like the reason I'm asking is cause, although it hasn't happened yet, I'm quite confident my friend is starting to deal with himself. However he has been quite rude to me when denying, to the point I could see him feeling really bad for lying about his sexuality initially. Like would it be ok to say that he has nothing to feel bad about because I could already tell. Or would it be smarter to pretend to have had no clue.
I, personally, am not a fan of the "I always knew" line so avoid saying it unless specifically asked if I ever knew. Even then I prefer to comment only that I only suspected, never knew. I'm perhaps alone in this but I, personally, do not see any benefit in saying that you always knew prior to their actual confirmation of what were just strong suspicions. Now I'm not saying you should pretend that you did not have a clue, but I just have issues with saying you always knew something another person was coming to terms with. I'm sure it can be incredibly comforting for some people, but from my personal perspective it would not comfort me to know a friend always knew. Using my own personality as a guide I'd rather someone simply support me rather than bringing up how they always knew, again not denying they knew anything, but waiting for me to ask before bringing up their prior suspicions, however strong those suspicions may have been.
Ya that's kind of how I feel. I guess the "I always knew" idea on works for me if that person was so sad and so mad at themselves for how they acted towards me when in denial
I think it depends on the friend. I have some friends that if they came out I would just be like, "Well, that's really no surprise whatsoever." My one friend even told me he was bi before, later taking it back and saying he was straight. Now there are other friends that would make me be like, "Dafuq, you're gay?! Never had a clue!" So yeah, it all depends on the situation.
Well, normally I'd be with Fruitfly on this one. Usually it wouldn't do any good to remind someone that you knew, even when they were probably trying to hide it. But, in your situation it may be somewhat different. Though, I'm still not sure it would be best to remind him that you knew all along. (i'm assuming you've questioned him on it at least once already?) If he does seem rather upset with himself for his actions towards you, I would suggest simply explaining that you understand how difficult coming to terms with ones sexuality is. (This would be after he comes out to you.) In my case, when my friend finally comes out, I plan to leave the past where it is, behind us, and keep moving into the future. If he wants to bring it up that's fine but I don't plan to. I'm willing to completely forgive and forget the incident where he blew up, insulted me and basically told me not to talk to him anymore when I brought into question his sexuality. but, in my case (not sure if it's the same for you) he knows I suspect it. No point in reminding him of that. I suppose that if he really does seem upset about his actions towards you it might help to reassure him
Thanks mojoe. That is probably how I will handle it. I think my friend thinks I've suspected it, but I think he thinks he's in the clear now. ---------- Post added 24th May 2013 at 05:23 PM ---------- Mind you I don't think he is close to coming out but I see things unravelling in his life that are probably going to make him finally look at himself. I just want to be ready whether that be days, weeks, months or years. I know some on this board think u should never assume someone is gay/bi. But in my case it is way too obvious to be a coincidence.
Okay, yeah if you've questioned him before then i don't think he will forget that. I know for me, I didn't like hearing (at first) how people knew before I came out. Now I laugh about it but it's been almost four years. I have to agree, that assuming a person is gay or bi is never good. However, my feelings are like yours; that it's obvious. The way he calls me, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me when we are at work. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words. If there isn't something more than friendship between me and my friend, it will prove him to be a true sociopath. I just don't see that in him. Some of his actions have been fairly selfish and cruel but I really believe it has to do with his own confusion about who he is. Sorry for rambling... Yeah I think it would be best to just move ahead with it. Don't dwell too much on the past once you get to that point. It sounds like you, yourself, are going through hell trying to get beyond the point you're both at. Once you both get past this point it will only get better. Stay strong and be patient, good things come to those who wait. Be there for him and one day he will be there for you...
It'd ofcourse depend on the friend, but in most cases I think I'd pretend to have had no idea. I'd also let them know that I was 100% ok/cool with it (but still wouldn't come out myself...)
I suppose it depends if you're already out to that friend. If you are, I don't see a problem with saying there have been small things in the past that you could relate to and made you think it's possible he was gay as well. If you're not, and don't want to go there yet, might be safer to go with something along the lines that you can only imagine how difficult the discovery process may have been, and are happy for them that they are now in a place where they accept themselves better, and that they felt safe to confide in you. In closing that conversation you may want to clarify if anyone else knows, or if he prefers you play dumb until told otherwise. And a hug, provided it's something that friend would do from time to time, and won't see as an invasion of their space etc...
Thanks for the answers guys. I did just get a dagger put into my heart. He just got back together with his gf. However, maybe I'm crazy but every time he makes a forward move with its because shortly before him and I have an intense connection. For instance. He was turning her down for a month to even hang out (she's drop dead gorgeous btw)...I come out to him, the next day they start hanging out finally. Fast forward a couple of months. He comes to me for advice on her, he agrees with my advice and thanks me. 2 weeks later, we randomly cross paths on the road at dark (I was 2 hours away and all of a sudden bolted up and left. If I didn't leave that exact second, we would have never saw each other...anyways that's not the real point, that's more of a faith thing I guess)...but so we see each other from opposite directions...well he sees me, I play dumb like I didn't see him. We always acknowledge if we see each other, even if we are arguing. So he races through town just to drive by my house in hopes he will see me in the driveway (his race was twice the distance) he happens to drive by just as I was getting out of the car so he honks (I still think he honked cause he got caught driving by) I then text "u have a pussy horn" as to make him not feel uncomfortable for driving by and getting caught. He responds "at least I get pussy". I'm also unloading my car of shopping supplies for the apartment he wanted to get together (which now is a one room place...his wishes) anyways, I can't respond right away, he gets all mad within ten mins cause I didn't respond....2 hours later he is in a relationship with her. Now fast forward a couple more months. They break up, he is really hurt because of how it happened. I try my best to comfort him (shitty thing is in unknown to me I started an argument with him practically the day they break up, so he's mad at me) well he finally reaches out to me cause he needs to talk about everything. We never end up talking cause he just couldn't handle it at the moment, I totally understand. So for the rest of the night/next day I try to give him some real good "keep your chin up" texts. The next morning I dropped off his bday present to him early to hopefully cheer him up. It worked, he sent me honestly the most appreciative message I've EVER got. Basically saying I was responsible for making him smile for the first time in a week, that he will never forget this moment and how I made him feel...a couple hours later, he's back together with the gf... Now I'm sorry if that was rambling but I hope someone can follow. I'm convinced for several reasons he likes me in the non straight way whether he knows yet or not. I haven't even listed the real reasons here but if some of u follow my posts you'll know what I mean. My question is, call me crazy but does anyone see a pattern here? Or am I just crazy. It seems like every time he takes a next step with this gf, he is faced with a serious feelings situation with me. First me coming out to him and liking him. Then u have the borderline stalking drive by of my house (which, Im not creeped out at all), this leads to them FINALLY getting into a relationship. All of their friends and acquaintances couldn't believe it tools so long. Now u have them breaking up...I'm the one who finally makes him happy again, they get back together hours later. Like I said, call me crazy, but doesn't it seem like he is running from his feelings for me by forcing a straight life with her? Like, I really didn't see them getting back together after what she did to him and if u could read the text he sent me thanking me for making him happy again, u could maybe see what I'm saying. I swear he is running from his feelings for me by being with her...I'm sure I'm just delusional and crazy though. ---------- Post added 24th May 2013 at 09:20 PM ---------- I forgot to mention the part where he asked for advice and he agreed with my advice. He was NOT wanting to get into a relationship with her, all he wanted was to move away with me and start a new life and not look back on anything...his exact words. And even after agreeing with me that he should probably walk away if he can't give her what she wants, shortly thereafter he's with her as I explained
Sorry, that might have been one of the most ridiculous theories I've come up with lol. I was drinking and was crushed by the news they got back together. He still hasn't told me they have, actually I'm still sending him motivational lift the spirits kind of texts cause he doesn't know I know they're back together, and he's still eating those texts up
Maybe you're just looking at his situation at a different perspective - one that you want to see. He could really just be struggling and going through difficult times, and needs you specifically to support him, maybe because of how close you two have been, or perhaps he doesn't trust other friends as much as you. But because he said he wants to start a new life with you shows that maybe there is something more. Instead of waiting for him to make the first move, which means that he will be hurting his girlfriend if he is gay, and is struggling to come out, why don't you talk to him about it. Find the right way to approach him and have a genuine conversation with him. "You know if you really want to move away together, we wouldn't need anybody else" or something. I'm sure you know him well enough to come up with something to say. Oh, and when I came out to my friends, three of the six gave me the "I knew it" line, but if a friend came out to me I would hug them and congratulate them, after telling them about EC.
Thanks for that answer and I do agree that he does like me specifically for support cause he trusts me. However, there are several signs specific to his sexuality that make me believe there's more. Again this half drunk theory wasn't to see if he is gay or not, I actually think he is bi like myself. I was just trying to piece together why when we have a real connecting moment it's followed up pretty much hours later by him making a big move with this girl. Also, he knows I like him like that. I made that clear, in fact I just made it clear again recently because I want him to be totally comfortable with living with me. I couldn't put him in a situation where I wasn't being truthful. He, knowing I like him came up with the idea of a one bedroom apartment together.
It seems like when people say they've known, they're usually saying that "they've known" only off of stereotypes of the LGBT community unless that is you've hinted about it or have been sneaking around with the opposite gender.
Dude it would be a lot easier for people to help you and you would get much better advice if you put your whole story and situation in one thread...
Honestly, I really don't care all too much when people tell me they already knew because they have fantastic gaydar, but personally, I wouldn't say it myself unless they asked me if I already picked up on it.
