Hello, everyone. I stumbled upon this website and was hoping I could gain some insight. I am a straight woman, and am engaged to be married, wedding is in 41 days. About 8-9 months ago, I found out that my fiance had ads on Craigslist, where he was looking for male partners to have sex with. He had a secret email address that he was using, and had established relationships with several men. He also had accounts set up with a few other websites like Adult Friend Finder and SinglesBee, where he specified he was male looking for men. There was one website only where he specified he was male looking for women, but that was it. All these accounts were set up before we even met, and I could see by the "last login" that none of them had been accessed since we started dating. However, the Craigslist ads and emails were current. I found this out because I'm a snoop- there we go. Plain as day. I had my suspicions, and one day, I couldn't hold back. I got into his regular email (his password was easy as heck) and from there, there was a clue about another email address he had set up. It was a vulgar email address, which gave it away. He was using the same password for that one, and I was able to get into that one. That's where I discovered the Craigslist stuff. I confronted him about these findings, and we briefly broke up. He finally admitted to me that he had these cyber relationships established from before we started dating, and I could see that was the truth from when the emails started. But either way, they continued, the most recent one occurring just a week before this confrontation. The emails were very sexual in nature, nothing about romantic relationships. They were all about meeting up for sex. He says he never actually met up with anyone, nor had he ever had sex with a man before. I believe him, but maybe it's mostly because I REALLY want to. I just don't know what to think at this point. He said he did have phone conversations many times with men, where they would masterbate together over the phone. He tells me over and over that he is NOT gay. He says he is just curious. I really want to believe this, and I'm sure many of you are thinking I'm crazy for believing him! I'm just really experiencing anxiety over this. He INSISTS he is not gay. I just need some insight as to how someone can possibly engage in these types of events, but not be gay. I'm worried that he hasn't fully accepted himself, and is using me to prove to himself and others that he is straight... marrying a woman, have kids, etc. I am terrified that I will get hurt. Let me share two more things that I thought were red flags-- in all these ads he had posted, all these websites, I found ZERO correspondence between him and a woman. All men. Also, he says he had never had sex with a man, but he has also only had sex with two woman, one time each, prior to me. I think we have fantastic sex, there is never a lack. I don't feel at ALL that he rejects me or is disgusted by me. So these were some positives that I was trying to hold on to, as one of my closest friends (who is gay) said that he can't imagine having any sort of sexual contact with a woman, that it feels unnatural. Anyway, I do understand that my post may sound incredibly ignorant, and I know there are a lot of people who would love to bash me right now. But please save your insults for someone else. I'm truly looking for insight from a community who may have once been in the same shoes as my fiance. Any help and advice is appreciated!
First no one is going to bash you, this is a great place with wonderful supportive people. So don't worry about that. I'm gay and always have been, but was conflicted and didn't want to admit it to myself. I met my now-wife of 25 years when I was 24 and fell in love with her, sex was very good, my wife really enjoyed it (after I came out she told me as much, which seemed obvious at the time) and for the first 12 years sex was great, relatively frequent and never a problem for me. I did like her body, definitely was not disgusted by it and did enjoy the sex that we had -- though I have to admit I have never fantasized about women and am not really attracted to women in general. With her I'm not sure how I did that but I did really really like her a lot and we were very close, so it all worked somehow. The point here is that it is not uncommon for gay guys to fall in love with a woman and have good sex -- check out the LGBT Later in Life forum, a bunch of us are in the same situation. Anyway, I convinced myself I wasn't gay, maybe bi. Fast forward all these years later, two kids, and it's really a disaster. I thought I could stay closeted forever but it doesn't work that way, the whole time I did have a couple friends with benefits arrangements, I was getting more and more depressed and even resentful towards her although she had been nothing but loving and wonderful. I finally came out a couple months ago and she's devastated. Based on what you've said, it does seem like he is attracted to men, whether he wants to call that gay or not (and I didn't want to for the longest time). So that very denial is going to be a source of problems. For me, since I had had sex with men before meeting my wife, I didn't have that strong urge to try it out to see what it was like, which in retrospect would have been overwhelming. I was able to settle for the occasion fwb sex. The fact that all these ads/evidence are about men not women seems to indicate at a minimum a very strong feeling of need to have sex with guys, whether or not he's actually ever acted on it -- I did the same thing, never actually hooked up with anyone from ads but why else would you do that? I would say there are all kind of warning and danger signs here. Sorry to be such a downer but after what I and my wife have been through I think it's important to let people know that ignoring things early on can lead to heartbreak down the road. If you have any questions really feel free to ask, and again check out the Later in Life forum, a bunch of us are in the same situation, having been married 15, 20, 25 years, kids, and then finally not being able to stay closeted any more, spouses being devastated, and myself regretting that I didn't come out years ago, for my sake and for hers. Eddy
Hi, I think the sneaking around is the main problem - don't you dare marry that cheater. I was in a straight marriage for years and I cheated on my husband with other men sometimes, and I found out he was lying to me about all sorts of financial things. You can't POSSIBLY have a healthy relationship or a happy life with that kind of sneakery going on. ---------- Post added 25th May 2013 at 07:41 PM ---------- Also, I'm very curious about the sex you described, because from what I've been able to glean, it's like your gay friend said, gay men just aren't into sex with women and if they try and fake it the women can usually tell consciously or subconsciously. Plus, with all that great sex he was having with you, why did he need to look for more sex? Regardless of his sexual orientation or sexual preference, he seems to have some major issues with a need for sex and a habit of sneaking around; these are HUGE. I'm not saying dump him, I'm just saying don't marry him. Maybe he's truly bisexual and has a sex addicition or something; maybe you two still have things to learn from each other and ways to grow together - but that will only happen if you get this out in the open and really deal with it! Sorry to sound so harsh, but I'm a mother of 3 and I'm trying to give you some tough love!
Well, he could be bisexual, and didn't put any ads for women because he was already getting sex with a woman. But my biggest concern for you here is the infidelity and lying, not his sexuality. (And in my opinion masturbating over the phone counts as cheating on you, even though it didn't involve physical contact.) Whether he's doing it because he's gay, or whether he's bisexual/bicurious and just happens to be a cheater as well, neither of those are good prospects for a long-term partner. Especially since instead of facing up to it honestly, he's trying to minimize it and pretend it doesn't mean anything.
I can try to answer that, as a gay man who was married to a straight woman who didn't know about my same sex attraction... I had tried to have sex with women before I met my wife, but it was always one night stand kind of things, I didn't really know or like the women, and it never worked at all. When I met my wife I really liked her, we became friends, then went out (I didn't want to admit I was gay), and we had sex. And it was very good, I wasn't faking it, it felt very nice and we had good sex for 12 years. But being gay isn't only about sex, it's about something much deeper. So while I had good sex with my wife and liked her, it didn't compare to the sex I had with guys, even though I didn't like them as much as my wife. It's an intensity that's indescribable. Finally I'd again suggest checking out the LGBT Later in Life forum, there are a bunch of us gay guys who were married to straight women and have similar stories. Life and sexuality is complicated. So maybe he's bi, but there's also a very strong possibility that he is gay.
