Backstory: Me and my brother haven't spoken for 3 years despite living in the same house. He has caught gay porn on my phone twice and continually calls me a faggot indirectly every time we clash but hasn't told my mum. I hate his girlfriend who has ruined my relationship with my brother. As soon as they started going out, I wasn't allowed in his room, got abuse, got beaten up if I even went in his room when he was on the phone and he was always with her 24/7. She never knew all this at home but I assume she would be aware about it. However I still liked her because she would give me attention sometimes till about a year into his relationship. About a year into his relationship, I mentally broke down because I was evaluating all the bad things in my life : being a gay Muslim, bullying, no brother to look up to and an unsupportive mother and a father who see my older brother as an 'ideal son'. I then stupidly sent a text message which I don't regret to his girlfriend saying I would kill her and murder her if she doesn't stay away from my brother. I forgot to mention I didn't talk to my brother before they started going out due to other problems (brother making me look like an idiot in front of my extended by verbally insulting me) but it was weird because I talked to his girlfriend but not him? Anyways, I threatened to murder her and what not and she started crying (literally) like the little whore she is to my brother and then I was threatened indirectly by my brother. 3 years later, I still despise both of them. She also is a Muslim who I thought was a religious Muslim along with my brother who I thought was religious too until yesterday..... Yesterday, while my brother was out, I went on his computer. I bypassed all the codes and looked at his photos. I scrolled down viewing every photo thinking how they are both ever so cute; can't deny that fact. However, I did think to myself why I thought that after thinking that. Suddenly, I came across NUDES, yes nudes of his girlfriend and my heart dropped. I was just about to save them to my USB and I was caught by my mum but I quickly closed the window and she never saw. She shouted at me questioning 'why I was in his room' (like I said, I can't even step foot into his room or I'll be murdered whereas he can come into my room whenever because I share with my little brother). I then bluntly gave the excuse that I was playing a game but she threatened me saying 'Oh there's going to be a fight tonight, I'll tell him you were in his room and just playing a game(!)'. I went into my room, played an OST and broke down crying continuously because of what I saw. I don't know what happened, I just felt that my whole life had ended. I thought to myself, I was already cursed by being Gay but now God wants to punish my parents more by having a son that commits lust (my mum and his girlfriend are very close and text every night - she acts respectful to my mum and carries out traditional stuff my mum considers 'Islamic'). I cried and cried so much, I couldn't believe I cried over someone I hated. I felt that God is punishing my parents even more than he already has and that my brother is a bad Muslim and I know I sound hypocritical because I'm gay but it was just in the heat of the moment. My parents see my brother as such an iconic figure and that he has the good grades, the good looks and the good attitude. I just felt sorrow and I could not stop my crying, honestly I just wished I wasn't Gay or he wasn't lustful. I would never expect this from him or his girlfriend seeing as he showed himself as being religious and her too, I thought they were genuinely religious people. Despite my hatred for my brother, I feel he could make my parents happy, give them a daughter in law they would adore and grandchildren, also my little brother too. Today, I heard him talking to someone on the phone in his room. I heard vaguely about him talking about his passwords for one of his accounts being changed (which I did) and he sounded scared and whatnot. I tried to get as close as to the walls as possible to hear because my house walls are made out of plaster. I could hear vaguely 'you have rights, the government can protect us' and 'he will never attack you, I will always protect you' (I think referring to my text message 2 years ago). I got a screwdriver and slyly made a whole in the wall to hear it better but to no avail did it make the sound any clearer. I also tried using a wine glass to hear better but he stopped his conversation. I heard stuff like ' I'm going to do something to the xbox' - maybe set up cameras. I don't know, I feel threatened that he wants to take some legal action if he does catch me red handed and that they are willing to get a restraining order on me but in fact I want to get a restraining order on that slut. I just don't know. I'm so confused and feel so isolated, my revision for history is going so bad because I kept thinking about what I saw so I took up to EC to write up my dilemma. I don't know why I cried, I don't know why I wanted to be straight, I don't know why I'm scared and I don't know why this girl has ruined my family Please help :tears::tears::tears:
first of all, wow. I'm Hannah and your family is just hectic. Your brother is not as great as you thought, he's religious but he's human so he lusts. Your brother's girlfriend, however she is shameless and as a muslim she should have not done that. It is haram. Just because she's religious and does islamic stuff in front of others or even says islamic things does not make her a proper muslim. I'm still in shock over your brother's girlfriend, imagine if your brother accidentally sent those to someone or the relationship turned sour. That girl is nothing but a slut. you can't be straight, it's not a choice we get sadly. You're gay and that's okay, you're not alone, know that okay. Your brother and brother's girlfriend, they're pretending to be good muslims for the family. your parents need to accept that gay people exist but as muslims..they're homophobic. I know this because I too come from a muslim background and I also know many girls who practice islam but basically are sluts. They read their namaz five times a day, they keep their fasts but they have boyfriends and have sex. They are people who are lying to everyone. They're not good muslims, that's the sad truth. you're gay, you're not fucking some guy or having sex are you? you're not doing anything wrong. you however need to calm down, focus on your exams. you probably have gcse's going on, you shouldn't be making holes or listening to them overreact. Those are the consequences they get, nobody told her to send her nudes. you're a teenager you get angry and say stuff you don't mean. Next time, don't send any angry emails or text messages or anything, cut your contact with that girl if you already haven't. Why are you going to bother with her. your brother and brother's girlfriend, I honestly think, they don't deserve your attention at all.
Thanks for the reply, I was thinking no one would reply :tears: I just feel doesn't it make me a hypocrite for pointing out that they both have sinned? Isn't homosexuality a bigger sin than lust so I have nothing on them, right? I wish Science could prove clearly that homosexuality is genetic because right now the only argument making me think I'm not Gay is because it might be a 'choice' and I can choose to be straight if I really tried my best but that's where it gets confusing. IF they read their namaz 5 times daily and fast and then commit those acts, can't they just repent and it's like nothing has happened whereas I'm stuck with homosexuality and a family full of idiots that don't understand me. I've already cut all ties with her and it's not that I want to bother, I just want to get as much evidence as possible so in the future where I'm safe and can't be harmed by my brother, I can say to my mother "I told you so." - Whenever I mention she's a slut or whore in front of my mum, I get such a bad response, told off and given the silent treatment. It's as if she values this whore more than her son and if it was a 'who would I choose out of the two", I feel like my family would choose her. I'm just isolated and feel that being Gay has made me bitter and resentful. Thank you again Hannah (*hug*)
I cannot exactly relate to your situation but my sister has a huge problem with me being gay and won't come to terms with it. She has told me repeatedly to deny my sexuality and warned me that she will lose respect for me if I come out. I did fully come out and it did even more damage to our relationship. She does not even talk to me right now. I had to delete her and her husband from facebook and it is very bad right now. It very hard for me to understand and I cannot even have simple conversation with her because she thinks she is in the right on everything. I sympathize deeply with your situation. Sometimes as hard as it is and i would never say this to my parents it would devastate them but sometimes even a family member is not meant to be in your life.
what ever you do, please do not tell people that you are gonna kill them, especially being a muslim and living in this day and age. I am sure you didnt mean it literally. Also, forget your brother. Most people are like your brother these days anyways. You can cry all you want, but its the reality. your brother is faking it up, just like everyone else in your community is (and around the world). That doesnt justify their behavior though. You seem to have a deep connection with your religion where this act bothers you to the point of breaking you down to crying. That says a lot about your character, and you should be proud of that fact. Lastly, Stop being so destructive. Poking holes in the wall? really? Unless your house is falling apart and about to fall over, please stop that. You need to just live your own life, and learn to be optimistic and happy. You can have a pity party and feel bad for yourself all you want. It doesnt seem like anyone in your family is gonna be there for you. So your gonna have to swallow the tears and be there for yourself. Its certainly not going to be easy. You will have to learn how to deal with your emotions. Set an occupational goal in your life, and aim all your energy towards that. Be positive and build your confidence in yourself and everything you do while you are at it. Others will be drawn to you by the aura of positiveness you will give out, and you will get some friends along the way. If you ever want some advice, want to talk, or need a kick in the butt, leave a message on my wall. I promise I will reply.
Being homosexual shouldn't bother you, there is no such thing as a "bigger sin" - all sin is the same, unless it's blasphemy (which is specific).
