How do gay men act when they are in a relationship with a straight woman?

Hello,

I am a 38 year old primarily straight female (slightly bi-curious or panromantic, open minded) and I just went thru a painful breakup with someone that I really love, and I am pretty sure the underlying issue is that he is secretly gay. I'm not that knowledgeable about gay culture and never had any close gay friends, so it may have taken me longer to add up all the signs than another chick who is more street smart. I was really annoyed trying to read about closet issues online and finding a gazillion articles full of stereotypes and sort of glib soundbytes, so I am hoping there might be some gay men or exes-of-now-out-gay-men who could share their stories? Here are his stats: 43 years old, never married, no kids, lives alone, alot of female friends, very social and flirtatious, one long term girlfriend for 17 years that is now openly "into girls", evasive on the topic of relationships with girls and why he stayed single, intense attachment to strong mother. I'll say up front that he told stories about partying at the gay pride parade every year, but it's in the hip neighborhood where he lives and he likes to party. He never went over the top being homophobic or making a big deal out of talking about how much he was okay with homosexuality. In our relationship, he was very emotionally intimate with me but physically distant; he pressured me to be his girlfriend, but didn't really like to sleep over. Early on I told my friends I thought sometimes he liked the idea of being able to tell people he had a girlfriend rather than the reality of actually havign one, although, as I said, he said he loved me and we had a lot of psychological intimacy thru talking. He liked kissing and holding hands and oral sex, but could not maintain an erection for intercourse. When I suggested going to a doctor about that, he was evasive and never did. He liked anal stimulation, but so do I, and I know that alone is not a sign someone is gay. In time, I realized that his sexual arousal for me was based on emotions and lacked an element of physical lust. I started broaching the subject of whether or not he was ever attracted to men or if he had ever hooked up with a man, and he said no. However, I then found some sort of dildo and enema in his bathroom cabinet. When I asked him what it was he said it was something he got at a party. I didn't really say anything at that time, but I made the mistake of bringing it up again later and saying he must think I'm pretty stupid if he thought I'd buy that one. I said it when we were laughing, and I tried to make him feel like I didn't think it was a big deal. Inside I was just wondering if he used it to masturbate by himself or if he was using it with another guy or what. Then I began to suspect that he either had a crush on or was actually involved with one of his male friends, because it seemed to me that they liked to touch each other alot and that after we spent time with that male friend, he was more aroused in bed with me. I told him that I have a crush on a girl I work with and we talked about sexuality, and I asked him if he had a crush on that friend, and he said no. But several hours later that night, he got drunk and started ranting and raving at me about an unrelated topic, we got in a big fight, and he abruptly told me "it's over!". A few days later I talked to him on the phone and asked him why he freaked out and how he could go from pursuing me and saying he'd always known he wanted to be with me to deciding he wanted out, and he said he just can't handle relationships and he is better off alone and he didn't mean to hurt me but it's over and he hopes we can still be friends. So, it's obvious to me that he had some sexual issues going on but I have no way of knowing exactly what. I didn't want to leave the relationship and felt I was mature enough and loving enough to take a wait and see approach, but obviously he felt exposed and panicked, or felt offended by the way I raised the subject, or something. I am wondering if these things sound familiar to anyone? I am really hurting because I feel like I lost my best friend, and I am worried about him because if he is struggling with a sexual secret of some kind, he needs someone supportive to talk about it with and I obviously failed to handle it correctly.

 

Thanks! That's basically what I tried to do without even using the word gay, just using the idea of him being attracted to a man or having ever had an experience with a man. I think the fact that I had started bringing that up is what made him break things off suddenly and explosively. As of right now I'm just leaving him alone, but I sent him an email saying that I was sorry if I had ever been insensitive in raising the subject of his sexuality and letting him know that I was sincere in my wish to continue our friendship. However, the insecure teenager inside my 38 year old adult self really thinks everything is because there's something wrong with me and I am imaginging he is gay to make myself feel better. But did I mention he also has a huge thing for Madonna?