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How to help her...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JadedFeline, May 27, 2013.

  1. JadedFeline

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    Ok, so this might be a bit long, but I've been trying to look stuff up online for hours and I'm just not finding anything close before stumbling over here and thought this may be a perfect chance to ask for advice from people not directly involved.

    Basically, I'm trying to find ways to help give someone very important to me courage, help her overcome fear and just, I don't know, maybe find some stories of encouragement.

    I've been with this girl for 6 months, and despite some ups and downs since the both of us have a lot of issues due to our upbringings... the relationship has been wonderful. I find her amazing and wonderful, and one of the most open hearted individuals I've had the pleasure of meeting.

    However, she just recently ended said relationship because of, the reason given is her mother. She feels she can't leave her mother, ever. At 19, she also believes that she's too sheltered and wouldn't ever make it in the real world on her own (thanks to her mother putting this idea into her head and reinforcing it often). This wasn't the first time she expressed sorrow over the fact that being with me would mean ending her relationship with her mother, and she tried to break up once before. But this time... she's been sticking with it and I've been at a loss on how to react, what to say, etc. Really, I'm just doing all that I can do to hold myself together.

    Anyways, the reason she knows her relationship with her mother would be over, is that she's been caught with a girl before when younger. Her mother flipped on her. Like... worse then most of the stories I've read. To sum up the whole sordid story, she was told that if she really was lesbian and tried to stay with that girl, her mother would not only try to ruin the girl's life, but possibly have her killed. She also looked her daughter straight in the eye and told her that she would kill her. So she did.

    Now, most teenagers are rebellious and stuff, but my girl has been manipulated and emotionally pushed around for years. Convinced that she -has- to be grateful to all the sacrifices her mother's made in bringing her up, (just by being born and taken care of properly) all the material possessions lauded upon her and how her mother is -always- telling her, that she loves her. When little she was essentially told that if she did not please her mother, that her mother would take away her love and send her to be with the father she's never known. She's been physically harmed as well, but I won't get into it.

    Basically, she thinks she owes her mother everything, that her mother loves her fully and that it's ok that her mother wouldn't ever accept her sexual preferences because that doesn't make up all of who she is. She still loves me, but won't ever leave her mother to pursue her own happiness cuz her mother's approval means everything. She has decided that she just won't ever be with someone, never marry, never be sexual, etc. She'll just concentrate on being successful.

    Unfortunately, I think in part, this was triggered by her fears of me going to visit her, as we had been planning for awhile. It's a long distance relationship and we were going to meet in person this June while her mother is out of town. Of course that brings the reality of leaving her mother more forefront as well.

    Either way tho, I have no intentions on giving up on her. But my primary concern is helping her to see how abusive the relationship with her mother is, how she deserves to be able to seek out her own happiness and her success won't be limited if she doesn't have her mother's support. How do you help someone so brainwashed that someone who was only a week earlier saying they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, can go to saying they can't leave the person who's made them fearful and hate themselves due to fear?

    I've been trying to play it patient and all since she broke up with me, but I seriously need advice on this while I can still hold myself together.

    Sorry for the length of this :/
     
  2. FemCasanova

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    This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, and I do very much understand that you want to help her and be with her. Problem is, in a lot of these situations we cannot really help someone who is not willing to help herself. It`s difficult to knock cracks in walls that have been built up through many years of reinforcement. What you could do is write her a letter, give her some food for thought. Ultimately though, the final decision about changing her life has to be made by her, and often isn`t done until the pain is severe enough that it cracks the holes needed.

    But by writing her a letter where you express your worries about how her life is going to turn out, at least you might plant a seed in her that can grow and be nourished by her own doubts and longings. You could ask her how it is fair, that even though she did not ask to be born, didn`t ask for any of the sacrifices her mother has made, she still has to sacrifice her own happiness for what is a mere opinion on a lifestyle. That her mother would make it fine without her, that she would make it fine without her mother`s approval and that she can be happy and still be a valid support in her mother`s life if she wishes to be. That not basing her life after her mother`s opinions does not invalidate her love for the person who gave her life. You can love someone, and support them, but not agree with that person. That you are not writing it to be selfish, or because you cannot live without her, because you can, but it pains you to know that she is making choices that will in reality gain her mother nothing other than mere control, but take from her everything, the possibility of joy and contentment. That you think she`s too precious a person to give up every chance of being with someone who`ll make her happy. You could also write/say that if you love someone, you leave them to make their own choices and that you`ll respect her choices, but you can`t just leave her be without expressing your concern and love. That you wish her mother could do the same for her.

    Those are just some ideas, it`s always best to speak from the heart, whether through person or in a letter. But try to do so in a way that shows you want the best for her, without criticizing her mother. If there`s a lot of negativity towards her mother, she`ll put up those defensive shields in a flash, even if she had been inclined to agree with you, because that`s how it often works when we`ve been "brain-washed". We can get very protective of the abuser, despite how unhealthy their behavior is for us. So, avoid being too negative about her mother, be careful so that it doesn`t seem like you are writing/saying it just because you want her to be with you and be honest. Let her know you think she deserves better, and a full life with all the joys that come with it.

    And if she doesn`t accept the letter/doesn`t want to talk to you, then you are going to have to let her go. She might realize it in time, that she made the bad choice, she might seek help, try therapy, but it`s not something you can enforce and control, so you can`t wear yourself down feeling guilty about it. She might simply not be ready to confront her mother or her own feelings about her and what she has gone through.

    You could also add some information on co-dependency, because it sounds a bit to me like the relationship between mother and daughter might be of the unhealthy co-dependent type. I am not a professional, but I have a few experiences with co-dependent relationships within the family, and it can be very destructive for the parties included. If you add some information (without stating it out loud that you think that it could be the case here) she might seemingly push it away immediately, but sub-consciously become aware of the phenomena and later start putting the dots together at a later point, possibly even do some research on her own. People are odd that way, often we cannot bring ourselves to do something when someone tells us directly, but if it`s indirect and subtle, and we`re not told to do it, we might end up wanting to do it.

    A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
    Quoted from the Mental Health America page on Co-Dependency

    Here`s a few articles among others a questionnaire

    Co-dependency: Mental Health America

    Helping Someone Trapped in CoDependency to Break Free

    Codependent Relationships and How to Help

    Reading a bit about it before writing her a letter/or talking to her could help you figure out how to best approach it. Like I wrote, I am not an expert on this, and just because it sounds like it could be the case here doesn`t mean it has to be, so you have to check it out and see if you feel she and the relationship she has with her mother fits the description.