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How to handle this highly complex relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Spirit, May 28, 2013.

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  1. Spirit

    Spirit
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    So, I have this friend, and I'll call her V. Our friendship is screwed up, and thinking about it makes my head spin, and my heart ache. To really understand the story so far, I need to start from the basically the day we met. I've known her since the beginning of the school year, we clicked instantly. Because of her overall charm and willingness to be my friend, I naturally fell for her. I was entirely convinced that she was lesbian, or at least bisexual, and when I sought advice on EC, a lot of people though the same thing!

    Then one day, about two months ago, V starts proclaiming her straightness in front me and the the rest of her friends. (It made sense in context.) After having such strong feelings for a friend for such a long time, I was crushed. But the thing was, I didn't buy it. The signs are all there, and despite the fact that she's sworn up and down that she's straight, she never acts like it. V's brillian, and can make you feel like you're the only person who matters. She acts seductive at times, but then she'll brush it off like nothing. V's unreliable, and never returns the gestures that I have made. I've become disillusioned about the whole thing, and the realization that she's not the person I thought she was is quite disheartening. This cycle is :***:ing killing me, but I keep coming back to her for the good parts. It's stupid and dumb, and I know I'm only going to get myself hurt, but I can't tear myself away from her. And the worst part? I don't think she knows how badly she's been hurting me. :bang:

    So, last week we went on what I think of as 'a date that could've been a date but wasn't' I kind of hoped that something might happen, but I didn't have any real expectations for the evening. We had a lovely, long chat before the movie started, and I learned quite a bit about her. About 3/4ths of the way through the movie, my stupid subconcious started speaking to me. I decided that snuggling into V's shoulder couldn't be that bad of an idea, since we had basically snuggled in public in the school auditorium. So how could doing the same thing but in the dark be any different? She was a little surprised, but it felt like she relaxed. I couldn't get that comfortable, due to the cupholder bar thing between us, so after a while, I slowly moved back to a sitting position. I have no idea I had my head on her shoulder, it felt like forever, but was probably 20 minutes. We didn't talk about it, but I'm left with the feeling that I crossed a line...

    If you're still here after reading that gargantuine post, it's time for the million dollar question, What the :***: is the deal here? Going to the movie was obviously a step in the right direction. But I feel like we'll slip right back into our old dance. I think someone who can look at this with fresh eyes would have more insight than me, since my list of people to talk to about this totals two. I don't even know what to think anymore, I've given up speculation about her orientation, and other things. All I know is, I like her, and it hasn't been working out that well. :help:
     
    #1 Spirit, May 28, 2013
  2. memyself

    memyself
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    I can relate with that movie story. I once went camping with a group of friends and one of the friends was my straight crush. I was sitting next to him along with my other friends around the campfire. I was tired and my head was bobbing all around and I sort of just leaned into him. It was only for maybe 30 seconds and I don't think anyone else noticed. I got that same feeling as you, like I crossed the line.
    On an unrelated night, maybe a year or two later, somehow being gay came up in conversation and he said "I'm so jealous of gay people. Gay people seem like the coolest couples and get along so well. I wish I was gay. I even tried to be gay. I've even made out with a guy, but nothing." I kind of figured that's the end all conclution to his sexualtiy, though I still hope. It's been years and years, but I still hope. I don't let it take over my life or get in the way of liking other people.

    I say just handle it like any other straight crush, move on, don't dwell on it. And if she turns out to like girls, you'll hear about it and those feelings will come speeding back. This could get in the way of you meeting other people, so set her aside for now and live. And even is she is gay or bi, she's deep in the closet and not ready for a relationship. But most of the time, all straight crushes are really straight :frowning2:

    Best of luck, you'll find someone who's right for you :slight_smile:
     
    #2 memyself, May 28, 2013
  3. Ettina

    Ettina
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    She might be in the closet. In which case, all you can do is wait for her to come out to herself, and make sure she knows you'd be supportive.
     
    #3 Ettina, May 29, 2013
  4. Spirit

    Spirit
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    Thanks, hearing a similar story really helps!
     
    #4 Spirit, May 29, 2013
  5. STEVE1991

    STEVE1991
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    I dont know if this will help but, a thought that always makes me giggle... isnt everyone a little bit gay.

    I am going through something similar at this very moment, i'll give you it in a nutshell. Was with girlfriend met what turned out to be best friend (lets call him A) he was with girlfriend, we broke up with respective girlfriends for different reasons. Developed feelings, two years... TWO YEARS!!! of lenglthy eye contact, emotional moments, wild trips and antics that makes you go "is he/isnt he, is there something between us??? ahhhhh". - You know the usual. Said to him "Im struggling with something, i need a friend, and he basically dismissed that and didnt come to help which forced my hand and today i came out to my whole house... and he said "oh i know"..... biggest headf*** ever.

    Anyway he is getting with this girl now, ive been very supportive, told him to go for it and even gave him condoms and told him to have a good time, he still doesnt know how i feel but acts awkward round me. (EVEN THOUGH HE HAS SHOWED NO INTEREST IN ANY GIRL EVER FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS...ahem) How much of a good boy am i haha?

    Guess what im trying to say is dont end up like me, if you guys are going to be friends for the long haul, think about this "Is she going to find out about it anyway when you get a girlfirend?" and "Will she be supportive?" then tell her, keep it casual but let her know you mean it. If she says no then move on, she is straight and even though i know it kills you CANT do anything about it. EVEN if she is gay then she is in denial and she might as well be straight because she wont do anytrhing about it, your young and should be having the best time of your life, dont wait for something that might never happen, a few months of feeling crap and moving on is better than two years of tourment, belive me.

    So much good luck to you
     
    #5 STEVE1991, May 30, 2013
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