1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't want to go see my dying grandfather

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by thedreamwatch, May 29, 2013.

  1. As the title says, I'm supposed to go see my grandfather, who has a wasting illness that is nearing its end. They're having a surprise birthday party for him in a couple of weeks and I do not want to go.

    My grandfather was not a big part of my mom's life from the time she was a teenager until maybe 12 years ago. The issues between them are numerous and stemmed from him becoming a born-again christian and marrying a woman who hated his kids.

    So, he wasn't really a big part of my life...well, ever really, but especially not when I was a kid.

    That would all be fine and everything because during his illness he's reached out to his kids and they're all dealing with their issues with him--including my mother. So it's not like there would be drama from the past, BUT

    My mother has told me that I am never to come out to my grandfather or his wife and that's fine, I'd rather him not know if he's going to be an asshole about it or make things hard for my mom to spend time with her dying father. Really I only worry about her relationship with him and his wife because I really do not care about these people and don't consider them my family. There are tons of people I'm not blood-related to that I would consider closer to me then these two.

    But I don't want to go spend time with these people. And it's not even just him and his wife. It's all her kids and a bunch of other 'relatives' who will be touching me and asking me questions about my life and Ugh. I'll have to climb back into the closet and hide there to spare the feelings of people who I don't really care about.
    It kills me how unfair this is considering my brother is allowed to bring his girlfriend, but I could never bring my partner. And I can't talk about who I live with or what I'm doing or anything. I have to lie at every turn and that's not just wrong because of my own personal integrity, but also because hiding my partner feels a lot like being ashamed of her and that is not something that I am or want to be.

    It hasn't even occurred to my mom that this would be a problem for me. And she will be so pissed if I tell her I don't want to go. She and I don't have the best relationship either, so it's really hard to talk to her about anything because she hasn't bothered to know me very well in a long time.

    I guess I don't know what kind of advice anyone can even give me about this, but I feel so shitty about the whole situation that it's causing my anxiety problems I can't really afford to have right now.

    Anybody got any words or ways to calm down and get through this without compromising my mental health? :help:
     
    #1 thedreamwatch, May 29, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2013
  2. The Dude

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2013
    Messages:
    289
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I hate seeing relatives. I feel like, for the most part, I don't have much in common with them and they're all pretentious assholes. I go to family parties, find the tv and sit and watch sports. I don't like opening up to them, as I feel like the things in my life aren't as good as theirs and they'll think less of me. I don't really care if they don't like me, but I'd rather not engage. So I know what you're going through although I don't have a partner, etc.

    I assume you live at home, but once you move out these things won't matter. In reality you're 23 and can do whatever you want. In a few years you can make you own decisions if you have moved out and by the sounds of it won't have to worry about your grandfather. So all I can really say is hang in there.

    And if you are on your own then I say do whatever the hell you want.

    Good luck with whatever happens!
     
  3. Thanks for the luck! I think I'll probably need it.

    It's less about dependence on my mom, which is a nonissue at this point, than it is about exacerbating existing problems between us...

    I don't know if she'd forgive me for not going to this party, or going to see them at all. I don't know if she would even listen to me if I told her why I don't want to.
     
  4. jokesonyou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2013
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    You could do what I do- go sit by the food and eat the whole time to avoid awkward conversation about school and significant others.
    Do you have any relatives there you even mildly like? I'd suggest if you're looking for an excuse to dodge a question, say "Oh, I have to go talk to (enter persons name here)"
    Other than that, lots of luck!
     
  5. clarkec1

    clarkec1 Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2013
    Messages:
    463
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    This us a personal matter so really it's up to you. I can see why you don't want yo go, but if I'm honest, it is your grandfather's life. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't be here today, and even though you might think he doesn't love you, I'm pretty sure he does. You really should see him, you don't know what might happen if you don't take the opportunity. It's entirely up to you though.
     
  6. Yeah. I'm gonna go I guess. I'll hang around, say hi to those I know, hug my grandfather and then basically do what jokesonyou said.

    I'll take the opportunity to get in my mom's good graces and also spend an afternoon with my brother.

    I'll do it, but I don't like it. I don't like that people who (everyone keeps telling me) are supposed to be closest to me and I'm supposed to love the most don't care about me or care to know me like the family I've created myself out of friends and my partner.

    But my brother and my aunt and uncle will be there and probably some of my cousins that I like, so I guess I'll make it and be pleasant company for a couple hours, then excuse myself.
     
  7. jokesonyou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2013
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    You can pull your brother in to help you out of you need it. Tell your brother to "pull you to the side" of a conversation if it starts to be a struggle. Easy way to jump out of some conversations.

    At least it's a good way to spend time with people you actually enjoy being around.

    It's much easier to tell who really cares about you when no matter what happens or who you are, they will care for you all the same. People could say they care for you and them completely change their mind about you. That happened to me recently, and I don't regret telling them- it only made me figure out they only cared about who they wanted me to be, not who I am.
     
  8. flymetothemoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2009
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Newark, NJ
    I'm so sorry that you are being put in this tough situation. Clearly, I'm not in exactly the same situation, but to some extent I know what that is like. I went home for Thanksgiving one year and my mom invited her whole side of her family who isn't accepting of my fiancee and I being together, and there's never a right answer in situations like that. As others have mentioned, maybe talk to anyone there who does know and have some kind of a signal that you can give them to let them know you need to be rescued from a conversation if it gets uncomfortable.
     
  9. Hexagon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    8,558
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Earth
    You could always do what I do when I want to avoid conflict: agree to go and then get sick. Something that prevents you from getting out of bed. Then spend an enjoyable weekend (or however long it is) apart from your mother.