Ok EC, here is a challange.... Am i a total douche or am i a good friend or am i somewhere in between... Here is the story, i met my best friend 2 years ago, lets call him Ali, we both had girlfriends we got close and ended breaking up from respective girlfriends for different reasons. I developed feelings and did the "is he, isnt he" dance for a while, i half asked him out then back peddled (he had no idea tht i was bi) he was ok, said no. Obviously i have still had feelings and they got stronger cos we live together and still do, we went on a 4 week holiday just us two. etc etc. I had overwhelming feeling tht there was something between us but lets not go into that. ANYWAY... i have never again mentioned my feelings, however i guess i do treat our friendship a bit like a relationship,we live together, we cook together, he always asks me to go with him if he needs to go clothes shopping, when he gets moody i react instead of ignoring, if he is sad i pro-actively go out and ask whats up (and he tells me usually and ive helped him through stuff), we go on 'guy-dates', we have (for want of a better phrase) close moments when we talk about deep stuff. I think i expect more than i should off him sometimes, if he isnt as considerate as i think he should be or doesnt think about how his actions impact me... i can get a bit moody and huffy. However i have never said how i feel, because i respect him and myself more than that. SOmetimes i find it hard becuase i know he doesnt love me so i get a little wierd but try to hide it, i think he gets a vibe something is up and gets really uncomfortable and douche-y with me. I dont know if he knows but ive never hit on him (we have weird convos / flirting /touching but we always have) Recently he has just started talking to a girl, i looke dhim in the eye told him to go for it, i even gave him condoms and told him to have a good time. I've been trying to be very encourageing. (in between crying cos he'll never love me haha) I've felt like i wanted to say something recently so i was acting a bit 'off' and he went all uncomfortable. I am NOT going to say anything but i want to talk about coming out and how it scares me so i told him "im struggling with something, i needed a friend"... he said 'talk later' whenever i tried to apporach him. I think he thinks i want to ask him out again but im nbot going to. So thats the story up to now, am i a massive douche? (i know this is one sided so please give comments from both sides of this if you can)
No. You have feelings for someone that you've expressed that weren't returned. From what it sounds like is he's the one being kind of mean to you. He should be more supportive of his friend and be there to listen and talk to you about the feelings that you have instead of brush them off that way. I'm sorry hun. (*hug*)
You do not seem like a douche at all!! I mean, OMG, you like this guy yet gave him condoms to go sleep with a girl...I think you've been incredible supportive of this guy and should in no way feel like you've done anything wrong. Because you haven't done anything wrong!! It seems you've been a really good friend to this guy, and at your own expense. In fact he seems to be the one getting it wrong. He won't even stick around to talk to you when you've pretty clearly expressed you had something important to say. You've been an awesome friend, at your own expense, don't put yourself down!
I see nothing douchy in what you've described. But I do think you need to be honest with him about what's going on for you. It sounds like you genuinely care about him and are encouraging him to do what's right for him, and at the same time, are feeling the pangs of potentially losing the close connection to someone you care about. I think if you approach it and say that you need to not put it off and if he cares about you, you need him to make time for you... he will.
Guys thanks so much, i really appreciate having people to talk to. I just want to say that i hope it didnt sound like i was fishing for compliments, its the fact i have problems getting angry, i always feel like im the one in the wrong, and when i try and talk about the fact he has been inconsiderate he tells me to "Stop being a woman about things" and to "Put my ovaries away!" which is really annoying, i mean im a little camp from time to time and very open minded about things (and i strut around naked haha) but im generally just a bit of a dude. btw. I came out to my house yesterday - including the guy i was talking about, they said "oh i know" bit of a weird one Can i ask what if he is weird and uncomfortable with me? what if i mess up a friendship? he was cool when i told him i liked him once but is telling him about how i feel now a step to far?
If he is truly a good friend he will be fine with it. Especially since he was fine with you telling him once. I recently told one of my straight friends I liked her. I was worried about the same things as you, I was terrified that I was going to ruin our friendship. I finally told her because it seemed unfair to her to keep it from her, and because it was eating me up inside. She was great about it, and told me over and over again that she would never judge me, that it was okay, she understood. I had been so sure that our friendship would be changed if I told her, and it turned out that I was making a bigger deal of it than she was. You never know how these things turn out. Telling him could be the best decision you could make. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do! And congratulations on coming out!
thanks guys, i just have one last question, I have just moved away for 9 weeks and wont see my friend for any of it, we wont even be in contact. (he is still texting me loads) He will be on his own in our house for that time (maybe with new girlfriend =/). Can i still say something when i get back or has the moment passed? thanks again =] hopefully i can get this sorted once and for all
