How to deal with this situation...

So, I need help how to deal with this situation with my friend who also is my roommate.

I’m almost positive that he’s gay (or at least bi) and I suspect him of having feelings for me. We have known each other for a couple years now, and I have never seen him with a girl or heard him talk about a girl. Then again he never talks about guys, so I don’t know. I feel like we are really close and he knows a lot of personal stuff about me. I trust him.
Lately he has been acting differently or maybe I just starting to pick up on things. He stares at me a lot and smiles nervously when I notices. Sometimes we share a bed and he cuddles up next to me after a while. Once I woke up by him touching me. He caressed my chest and my stomach very gently. I pretended I was asleep, because I didn’t know what to say or do. He didn’t touch me any place else, so I just let it go.
Last week I walked in on him jerking off while smelling one of my t-shirts. He was really embarrassed, but I just said sorry and left our room. Later when I came back, he kept apologizing, but I told him it was okay, we all do it, it’s no big deal. He looked at me funny, like he was unsure what I meant. I tried really hard to avoid the fact that I did see it was MY t-shirt he smelled, and he never said anything about that, so I also let that go.
He has tried to kiss me while he’s been drunk. One time at a party he kept asking me to kiss him, when we were alone outside. I said no every time and he looked sad about that.

The thing is that I really don’t have a problem with him being gay or bi. He will still be my friend and I won’t feel any less for him (*hug*). If he has feelings for me it would make things complicated since I’m not gay. I’m definitely curious and open minded. I mean, if he wanted to suck or jerk me off I wouldn’t stop him, but since he might having feelings for me I don’t think that would be a good idea. I don’t think I can ever give him what he wanted if it came down to that (relationship red.). I care very deeply about my friend and I want to know how to deal with this. I know the right thing will might be for me to wait for him to come out to me himself. But the touching and asking for me to kiss him is being more and more frequently. I’m starting to get worried what will happen if he tries something more or if he kisses me.
Do I ask him if he’s gay? Do I wait to he’s ready to tell me? I’m open for ideas :help:

 

Thank you for the advice

I hope that I’m being a good friend, but this guy is also my roommate, which complicate this situation.

The thing is that he’s not doing anything that makes me uncomfortable and when he ask me to kiss him (while he’s drunk) and I say no, I’m only saying no because if he have feelings for me, it would mean more to him, than it would to me. I have kissed a guy before, so it’s not a big deal to me.
He knows what I think about gay people, because he has heard me talk about it. In 2013 it became legal for gays to get married in a church, in the country we live in, and he knows how supportive I been about that. I have one in my family that is gay, so for me it’s not a big deal if someone is gay or not. I understand that for him (if he’s gay, bi or whatever), it’s a very big deal and maybe he’s very confused right know.

I could bring up gay stuff more often, and see if he says something. Maybe I should just sit him down and ask him something like this “I just want you to know that no matter what you answer to this, I’m still your friend and nothing will change between us. Do you like guys?”. Would that be to direct?
We see each other every day, because we live together, so I don’t want to make him uncomfortable so he can’t be around me. We are very close as friends and I don’t want to change that.

 

Thanks rachelv. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of – I don’t want to lead him on. But at the same time I don’t want to seem cold. It’s a hard situation :bang:. Do you have a better way to ask?

I’m not sure if he likes me or if it’s just because I’m around him all the time and we are so close, that while he’s questioning himself he notice that he’s a little attracted to me/or guys in generally. Idk. I better find a way to ask him before I go crazy thinking about it. I just want him to know it’s okay and that I’ll be here for him if he need it.

I’m thinking about talking to him tonight, when we’re alone, if I find the right way to ask. I let you guys know what happens.

 

This is going to be a bit long, so thanks to everybody reading it.

I decided I need to know if my friend/roommate is gay or bi. I had been worried quite a bit for him, so I just couldn’t handle not knowing what goes on with him. (It’s not word for word, but as close as my memory goes):

He came home from work and I made some food for us. We talked a bit about different things like we use to, nothing out of the usually. After eating we sat down on the sofa, and he flip through the TV channels and went by the news. I asked him if he had heard about the French couple that got married in Paris, the first same-sex wedding in France. He just said yes without look up at me. I talk very supportive about it, like some of you suggested I should. He just went completely quiet. I waited patient without saying a word. After a few minutes he looked up. I could clearly see that there was something wrong with him, but he said nothing. So I asked him. I said something in the lines with “I just been noticing that something is up with you, and I want you to know that no matter what I will always be your friend and nothing would ever change that. I just need to ask, are you into guys?”. First he looked stunned. Then he actually got quite angry at me, rushed up and hurried into the bedroom. I waited a bit, before going after him. He was laying on his bed facing the wall. I sat down on his bed and in a very calm voice said that it wouldn’t change anything between us, I would still be his friend in the exactly same way as before and if he wasn’t ready to talk about it now, it’s perfectly okay. I told him, that if he needs someone to listen or support him, I would always be there for him. All the way – he wouldn’t be alone. He turned and looked at me. I could see tears in his eyes, but he didn’t say anything, so I asked him again if he’s into guys and he just started to cry. Like really hard. So I hugged him and said that it’s okay. We sat like that for a while, before he said anything. I don’t think he could say anything from crying. He told me, that he thought I would hate him, if I knew or move out and not be his friend anymore. I said that it hurt me a little that he thinks like that about me, because I have always been very supportive to gay people. He said he knows that, but sometimes people are supportive until someone close to them comes out. And I guess he’s right after reading some threads in here. He then told me, that he’s not completely sure about if he’s really gay or what he is. He said, he’s really confused right now and don’t know anything anymore. I asked him if he’s still into girls. He asked if we could drop it for now, he didn’t feel like talking about it anymore. So we dropped it for that time. He looked at me very worried, and then he asked if he could hug me, and I told him he doesn’t need a permission to hug me. The hug was very tight, and he practical clung to me at first, like he wouldn’t ever let go again. Then he loosened is grip of me a little. It wasn’t awkward at all; it was actually a very nice moment. It felt like I was getting my friend back again. I wanted to ask if it is guys in generally he’s into or just me, but the moment didn’t feel right to ask, so I didn’t. It was clear to me, that he wasn’t ready to talk more about it. We talked a little about other stuff and then just went to bed after (not the same bed).

Then two days later. We hadn’t talked about it since that night, so it’s just like it never happened. I’m waiting for him to bring it up again, if he wants to talk about it. I don’t want to pressure him more than I already have. The day went by like normal and I went to bed. I was almost asleep, when I heard him coming home. He knocked quietly on my door and gentle opened it. He whispered my name and asked if I was awake. I said yes. He then came up to my bed and sat down next to me. I could hear in his voice that he had been crying, so I sat up. He asked if he could sleep in my bed. I know it maybe isn’t the smartest thing to do, but like I said before he has some family problems, that I’m not conformable going into here. So I said “Of course you can sleep in my bed, why wouldn’t that be okay?”. He looked at me and said “Because what I told you, you know, about that I might be into guys”. I didn’t really think of it at that moment, but I did when he said it. I said “You’re my friend and I trust you. You are sleeping in my bed like a friend not a lover. You slept in my bed thousands of times before, this isn’t any different”. He asked me if I was sure I would be okay with it, and I told him I would. He got undressed and laid down beside me. Like always, he cuddle up next to me, without touching me.
In the morning I woke up with his arm over my chest. I just removed it very gentle, so that I could get out of bed. Then I carried on like a normal morning. When he got up, he thanked me so much for letting him sleep in my bed. I told him, that he normally sleeps in my bed when (family problems), so it’s not a big deal. He said “Yeah, but it’s different now, isn’t it?”. I said “No. nothing has change from my point of view”. He smiled a little. Then I said in a joking way “I’m just not going to walk around naked anymore”. He’s smile went away very quickly and he looked down. There was an awkward silence for a bit, before he said. “I hope you don’t think I’m going to jump you or anything like that. I wouldn’t! I promise you I wouldn’t do that! Your friendship means everything to me”. I told him, that I know and that he doesn’t need to worry. I lied a little, because I’m not sure he wouldn’t jump me if I gave him any hope. I do believe he respects me a lot, and therefor he keeps his distance to me and respect my boundaries.

Since that night he keeps thanking me for letting me sleep in his bed. I don’t know why he’s making such a big deal out of it. He slept in my bed loads of times before.
He has been hugging me a lot more since we talked about him being into guys, but he doesn’t bring it up.
We are going to a party this Friday, so I’m kind of nervous how it will turn out, because in the past he’s always very hands on and flirty with me when he’s drunk. He also often asks me to kiss him, so I don’t know what to do when he ask me that. In a way I wouldn’t mind kissing him once to see how it feels, but I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
Any advice how to deal with it if he asks for a kiss? Should I just keep saying no or ask him if he’s into me? Normally he keeps asking and asking all night, even after I said no many times. Do you guys think I should confront him about if he’s into me or should I just let him tell me it himself when he’s ready?

 

Rachelv: Thanks I try my best to be a good friend to him. Whatever his answer would be I will be fine with it. I would avoid him if he’s into me or not. I do believe you about that, that gay guys are very affectionate and tender. I just think a lot of straight guys get confused by that, but no one can get in your pants if you don’t want them to. I'm also a hugger by nature.
Thanks for you reply (*hug*)

I have another thread over at “Coming out” about my friend and I, just wanted to say if anybody is wondering why there are two threads (It’s under “I asked my roommate if he’s gay”).

 

Boyfriend: Yeah, maybe he won’t. And I think I would say that to him if he tries anything, because it’s not a hurtful way to say no. I have actually kissed a guy before, so it’s not that. It’s more because I have a more emotional connection with my friend, and I didn’t with the other guy.

STEVE1991: I agree with what you wrote, and like I said in the other thread – I need to make it all very clear for him, so he can deal with the stuff he needs without wondering about me and him getting together.
Good luck with telling your friend. If I can help in any way let me know. If I can give you any advice it would be express clearly that you are not going to hit on him and you know he is not into guys, you just needed to get it of your chest and tell him, so you can move on.

Thank you, both of you - You guys almost make me blush a bit with your kind words :icon_redf (*hug*)