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Will he commit suicide if I tell him im a lesbian ?!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blue123, Jun 1, 2013.

  1. blue123

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    Hi, I have a male best friend who doesn't know im a lesbian and he likes me alot! Things are getting worse, he was talking about relationships and told me again how much he liked me. I couldn't bring my self to say no when he asked me if I think that we will be in a relationship one day. I wish I had just told him earlier I feel as if I have left it too late now and that our a freindship will be destroyed :icon_sad:

    Im a pan-romantic lesbian though so I do like him alot too and would like a relationship but that would mean I would have to tell him that we could never do anything sexual, which he would be very understanding and still want a relationship as hes told me many times how sex is not that important to him, but I can't even kiss, cuddle or hold hands with a male, It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I dont think he could cope with that. he also is very obsessive with me and has some mental illness that cause him great depression and panic attacks, im afraid that if I told him he would try commiting suicide or self harm as he does this alot :icon_sad:

    I do really like him but it would be unfair to have a non sexual relationship, im 17 and hes 21 he seems as if he wants a serious relationship which he would want sex at some point. I would like a relationship were I can do sexual things with my partner but i want that with a woman not a man...what do I do???? :bang:
     
  2. Femmeme

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    Of course you need to tell him. It sounds like you're being emotionally blackmailed into a relationship. It's obvious from what you say that you really don't have romantic feelings for him. How much of your life are you willing to give up to make someone else happy?

    You can't control how he'll react and you shouldn't turn your life upside down trying to.
     
  3. Fiddledeedee

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    You having a relationship with him -- a relationship which can never fulfill what he wants or what you want -- won't fix his issues, however much he thinks it might and however much he idealises it. Telling him "no", so that he can move on and so that you are no longer trapped, is probably the kindest and safest thing you can do. It sounds like he needs trained help. I don't know what to say beyond that, though.
     
  4. FruitFly

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    You are not responsible for his reactions and you should not feel that you must ultimately deny who you are in order to keep him safe. He has issues which need to be monitored/managed professionally, but you need to be clear and direct with him. He may well protest this, but seriously it will do him more damage if you keep quiet about your orientation and how you feel in an attempt to stop him from coming to harm that it would to be completely clear and direct about things now.

    It is very, very important that you are clear and direct. No fluffing it up, no trying to sugarcoat it, no providing opportunities for hope to linger. Be aware that someone who is obsessive and has a tendency to perhaps cling to an individual they feel are special to them is likely to say they can cope with whatever limitations you may have for the relationship; I'd be cautious of this. It is a slippery slope; you do not tell him of your orientation/feelings out of fear he'll come to harm, if you feel that way would you eventually reach a point where you'd find yourself having to compromise on aspects you've already expressed disinterest in. It is not fair on either of you and encourages an unhealthy relationship dynamic. He deserves a relationship with someone who can love him wholly and is not sacrificing part of who they are in order to keep him happy; a relationship where one is willing to do anything to be with someone, and the other is sacrificing who they are, is a recipe for resentment.

    While you've already given him the impression that something could happen one day you need to sit him down and as kindly, but as clearly/firmly as possible, explain how you feel. Stick to it, and if necessary you will have to do what is kindest for both of you and step back. Do not coldly withdraw without warning, but again kindly, firmly, clearly explain to him that you need to take time away from the friendship to give you both time to process the change in dynamics. He may self harm, he may attempt suicide, but be aware that while he may blame you his actions are connected to deeper issues which he needs to start working through; being in a relationship with him will not fix these issues, and there's always the risk that something will ignite the spark to self harm regardless of what you do.

    It will hurt him in the short-term, but it is better than long-term hurt. Be kind, but be honest and clear.