I've changed: for the better or the worst?

Hello all, for those who have read my posts before you must think that all I talk about is just crushes on guys, well this isn't really about my crushes.

With five finals over the next three days I've been reflecting on the past months of my sophomore year and how much I've changed as a person. You know, I didn't fully realize until now how much happened, I guess everything just seems more magnanimous when you reflect back on it.

I've learned that relying on others to be there for you isn't always good. I used to be a wreck when no one would text me back or respond to a Facebook message and at some point I just said to myself, "What are you doing? You don't need this people if they won't be there for you." And I have lived by that principle for the most part. I became so sick of sending out five texts to five different people and receiving nothing back from anyone. So I stopped. Months later I have come to realize that there are only a few friends anymore that I can truly count on when I need them. My friendships with them can be described simply as: awkward. But when I need them they are there.

Something else I've learned is that best friends fade. Yes, everyone, I have learned what you all have been telling me since I joined this site in 8th grade. My [best] friend, Alex, and I have truly split this year. He may have yet to see it but my eyes are open now, for the better. He was very much an indirect douche this year. I'm sorry but when you say you're someone's best friend, be there for them, don't leave them in the cold while you go and make out with your girlfriend. He did start dating this freshman girl this year and I think that strongly catalyzed us splitting apart even more. He only wanted to be with her. We would go to bowling practice after school during the winter and would say continuously, "I can't wait to go and see Christina." He saw her everyday at school! That annoyed me to no end. Apply that to his complete ignorance of me and my emotions this year to all of the shit he has done to me in the past year...he's done. The title he holds is purely nominal.

Ah, and here comes my sexuality. I'm still bi, that I know. Am I more attracted to guys? Slightly yes, but still girls. But it's more than that. I've become better with accepting who I am. I meet guys online now and don't just want to swap pictures and then be done. I want to get to know them. That's something I didn't used to do. I used to want to be used. Now, I think it's pretty gross. I've even been looking at the LGBT clubs at the colleges I've been looking at. Part of me even considered our school's [form of a] LGBT club, SPECTRUM. Living in rural PA, there aren't that many LGBT people at our school for it.

Now for a more recent incident. I worked last Sunday, something I did because my boss needed me, and my parents thought that would be a great time to replace my mattress, box spring and clean out all of the shit from under my bed. Bad idea. A few years back I considered writing a journal in a notebook. The first and only entry states stuff like: "My life is a living Hell." "I think Nick _____ is really cute." "I act straight at school as a mask." Stuff like that. There was also my stab at writing porn. There also was, regrettably, my stating of my sexual encounter with an older man when I was 13. My parents found that and read it. When I came home from work my mom confronted me about it.

I denied it all obviously. My mom later summed it up to me being in a "weird point in my life." Which in layman's terms means she just thinks I was confused. A couple years back a gay porn website was found on our main computer. She pinned that on me as well. The thing that stabbed me most: "Are you gay?"

I said no, which is true considering I'm bi, but I wanted to just say that I was bi and come out. I know she wouldn't care but there's my dad and sister to think about. As comfortable as I am becoming with my sexuality, I do not want to be out to my family. I descend on one side from rednecks and the other from prudes (sort of). Sometimes I don't feel like I belong, but I easily push that aside.

I have found one easy way to prove who my true friends are from this. When all of this happened I was fucked up. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and texted two people who have been there for me a lot: Alex and Matt. I have yet to receive a reply from Alex. A full week later. Matt responded quick. He consoled me most of the night. He assured me that everything would be good and the conversation gradually shifted to Darren (a topic he knows much about) and he proposed the idea of Darren being my first love. I seriously wanted to hug him at that point, had we not been texting. Knowing that I wasn't the only person that had even considered that I had honestly fallen in love with him was a great feeling. Matt has helped me out ever since I have come out to him, which has been around three years now, and I do not think there are any words I can express to show how much I appreciate him just being there for me.

Through everything that has happened to me, including many things not stated which includes a heavy confrontation with a (ex?) crush, I have become stronger. It shows through the way I act, to my attitude, to even my manner of speech. I've changed to become who I am now and looking back everything I have done has simply made me stronger. At the time some things I have thought killed me, but as the saying goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Right?

My future endeavors:
I do not know what the future has in store for me but I am willing to find out. I have started a blog on writing and what books I will be reading this summer. I have been trying to make amends with my friend Darren to which our friendship ended badly to the point where I don't even know where we stand anymore.

I am most notably looking forward to my cruise this summer to Bermuda. I'm going with my family and my cousin's family. I never see him so to be able to spend a week with just me and him will hopefully be fun (although he expects me to have a minimum of two girls on my D every night, no pressure). I have considered coming out to him but that's still up for debate.

If you made it through this entire thing, then thank you. It took me awhile to write this. Not just the post itself but getting the balls together to post this whole thing on EC. So thank you!