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My mom suspects me / I need a friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by David2231, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. David2231

    David2231 Guest

    I had to write this a couple times because I can't exactly communicate how I feel right now and it might be really confusing to follow but I'll just start from the beginning if you don't wanna read all the really long details then just skip after the second line...

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    My family has always been anti-gay (except my sister), and me with them at a certain time for no reason at all. My parents taught me that it's disgusting, gross, and evil. Until a few years ago (maybe 2 or 3) have I realized that I'm not straight at all. I can't look at girls with the lust that the other guys do, and I don't wanna have relationships with them at all. Instead of a princess, I want a prince. I've struggled for years to come to this point where I literally don't care about how I express myself. I used to go along with guy trends like when I was little I used to listen to MCR and other rock bands, when in reality I really liked pop. Now I listen to pop and I don't care who knows (unless it's a member of my family.) The point in this paragraph is, I've come a long way and the next paragraph is gonna explain what exactly is wrong.

    My mom since I was born has been REALLY anti-gay. She criticizes them and makes fun of them when they're on the news or in the media. For years I went along with her until I realized I am one of them. The thing is, now that I've come to that realization: I realized that I think she suspects that I'm gay. I only have girl friends and literally no guy friends except mutual ones that I never hang out with. I hang out with all my girl friends at school, and outside of school, we talk on facebook etc... Now that I realize this, the more I remember my mom asking me: "Are you gay." "David, are you gay." etcetc. And she's saying it more, and more and more. The problem with this is it brings me happiness that my mom is asking me this: but then when I deny it (cause my whole life she's been gay bashing) she says things like "Oh thank God." and stuff like that. She even one time said "If you're gay you can leave right now."

    This is really easy to ignore for me, because I don't wanna get kicked out and I really don't care about gay insults directed towards me; I find them ridiculous because I know I was born this way, and people that think otherwise are pathetic and judgmental. But anyway, so now that I look back I realize that I'm full of hatred and I act really rude toward anyone in my family whenever they act nice and it happened today. I was watching coming out videos online and my mom was like "Lets go for a walkkk" nicely and I was like no. But then when I said no all I could think about was how I wanted to come out so badly, and how my life is a daily struggle because I can't be who I wanna be.

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    So all in all, what I wanna do is I wanna come out to everyone: but I can't. My mom threatened that I'd get kicked out, she's gay bashing like every other week, and she won't tolerate me being gay at all, but it's effecting my view on life and my family relationships. I literally have this rude attitude toward anyone in my family for no reason, which I later regret and it's making me so depressed because I can't be who I really am. When I'm with my friends I'm a fierce diva, then when I'm with my family I have a monotone voice and I'm no fun at all. I have no idea what to do and I really need someone to talk to, but the thing is: I already came out to my best friend and she said she supports me, but then it turns out that she had a huge crush on me and whenever I'd talk about something related to my sexuality she'd get all awkward and sad... I need someone to relate to, and no one in my life can. I have no gay friends or anything, all my friends are straight and don't get my struggle at all.... I have no idea what to do I'm so confused and sad and angry. I feel so angry that my whole life is a curse basically, because we're all treated so unfairly, and instead of living my childhood as a happy 8 year old I remember praying to God at night (when I was religious) that I would wake up straight; and I'd get suicidal thoughts when I was just 8... like, that's so unfair and stupid.

    Sorry if this is a major rant / venting post but I have literally no idea what to talk about or who to talk to I just have a lot built up that I wanna talk about. I just need advice or a friend that I can talk to that I can relate to, or someone that can give me advice on my family and what I need to do because it's literally making me depressed and angry toward everyone except my friends.

    Thanks.
     
  2. FemCasanova

    Full Member

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    It`s healthy to rant a little now and then, so no apologies! :slight_smile:

    Wow, your mother sounds like... Oh, well, she could do with some personal growth and maturity. Maybe she`ll be forced to change once you in the future move out and decide to keep your distance. Maybe then she`ll realize that her behavior is losing her a son. Until then all you can do it keep that chin raised, and ignore her attempts at provoking a confession out of you. Because that`s what it seems to me that she is trying to do. She is probably deeply afraid that you might be gay, so she acts this way to either "prevent you from being gay" or "force you to confirm/rebuke her fears". Try to think of her as a very scared and somewhat weak person, who is incapable of dealing with her emotional struggle. Someone you ought to pity, not take seriously in any way. That ought to take some of the sting out of her insults.

    And I get that you want to come out, but it`s probably wise to wait until you are independent financially before you do, so that you can avoid the fall-out by putting some miles between you. Hopefully, it will make her see what her behavior is doing, but for now it might be best to just be out to your friends, if you can trust them to keep their mouths about it.

    You`re right, life can be unfair. Just remember that if you weren`t gay, there could be something else. Straight or gay, life can be tough, especially when we are growing up. Things will get better, and you can take the injustice and the pain and become stronger because of it! You may be the one struggling now, but in time you can become a much stronger and wiser person than your friends, who haven`t experienced the kind of emotional turbulence that you have. Hang on in there. 5 years from now, your life could be completely different.

    And by all means, continue ranting! It`s good for you emotionally, to get it out of your chest and into the computer. We`re here to listen, you`re not alone!

    *Hugs!*
     
  3. David2231

    David2231 Guest

    Thank you so much that made me realize more that I do have a purpose, and this experience will make me a much better person in the future. It feels nice to have my voice heard and to finally rant about the things my friends can't relate to... (*hug*) :eusa_danc