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She's threatening to break up with me. WTF!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Femme, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. Femme

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    My gf can be very selfish. No I'm sorry let me change that, she is selfish yet at times she isn't. I know what you are thinking, why would I stay with someone like that. Frankly, I've dated both men and woman and its taken me so damn long to find someone willing to try to make a go of it in a committed partnership that I try to overlook her bad points.

    I'm not trying to bash her but every person I know tells me that I can do better and should find someone who isn't so selfish.

    While I'm not looking to end things, its possible that she might just tell me to move out. It's her house so I'd have to leave. She's been threatening this a few times and now it just seems more serious since we've been having less sex and the lack of sex keeps growing.

    While I should be worried I guess I find myself fantasizing about just forgetting about being queer and go back to dating guys and living the straight life. I've never really fit in anyway.

    For all of the bisexual haters I am talking about going back to guys if my relationship ends. I'm just really confused now and while I'm not looking to end things there is a big part of me that hopes it ends so I can try to be straight again. Is this awful or perfectly understandable?

    I'm so confused right now.
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    I'm sorry, but I'd have to agree with every person who's been telling you that you can do better. I get that she has the upper hand because you're living under her roof. I just don't think you should give her that much power over you. Being selfish is such a terrible quality, especially if you have been trying to compromise. The last girl I dated was very selfish and that's why we stopped talking. I just could not take her lack of compromising any longer, so I had to end things.

    Do I think you should go back to dating men? No, please don't let this experience sway you away from dating women. There are plenty of other women out there who are not selfish.
     
  3. FemCasanova

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    (*hug*)
    Unfortunately, every person has both positives and flaws, regardless of gender. It`s a matter of finding a person who has the flaws we can live with. Sounds to me like your relationship is in trouble here, but it doesn`t have to fall off the cliff completely. It`s kind of up to you if you want to try and save it, or if her personality issues is making it into something you don`t really feel like saving. Try to make a list over all the good things that was/is about your relationship, and all the negatives. Good things that used to be, that can be so again. Then consider ways you can possibly save it. Self-help books on communication and relationships can help. There are a lot of good ones out there. Most of the time, our relationship troubles are due to a lack of communication, fixing it is the tricky part, lol. Sometimes we need a little help and extended knowledge/communication skills.

    I`m not going to pretend I`m any kind of expert on relationships, but I am a believer in improving our communication skills through life and getting better at handling conflicts with insight in ourselves and our partner. Sometimes though that insight only proves to us that the relationship isn`t going to work out. Sometimes it can help us figure out how to get the relationship to work out. So, if you after having made a list and thought about the good times, and whether what you have/had is worth saving, check out your local library or bookstore. Get some literature on the subject. Read up on constructive arguing (google search)/healthy communication (How To Argue Constructively, Effectively, and Without Hurting Your Loved Ones' Feelings).

    Then have a serious talk with her. Maybe the two of you will figure it out, but it`s going to depend on one of you taking an initiative to start working on the issues. Now, this is going to sound very "lesbian"-ish, but going back to dating men is never the answer :lol:

    Best of luck!
    (*hug*)
     
  4. Pret Allez

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    It's hard for me to know what's going on, because you haven't given us many of the details. But it sounds to me like you're talking about an abuse situation. She's threatening to kick you out, which means her love is conditional, and she's thinking about the relationship as a ledger, and in very economic terms. In my opinion, that means the relationship is over.

    You deserve better than an abuser.

    Sisterhood,
    Adrian.
     
  5. I've never been a big fan of someone who threatens breaking up as a way to "fix things" or get what they want. Add that in with the fact that she holds you living with her over your head and I'd say you have some things to think about.

    I won't say break-up with her, but I will suggest a good old fashion pro/con list.
     
  6. Chip

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    I have very little patience for selfish people who aren't interested in changing, less so for people who are controlling (such as threatening you with having to move out), and even less so for people who threaten break-ups.

    Call her on her threat. You DO deserve way better. Your relationship is horribly unhealthy, and you need to get out of it. I'd also suggest that before you choose your next partner based solely on their being male... spend some time in therapy and work through and understand your issues. It sounds like you don't have a lot of certainty in your life and choosing a relationship is one of the most important decisions you'll make, so give it a little time and explore and work on yourself before seeking your next relationship.
     
  7. Femme

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    Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I don't think there is anything wrong with her kicking me out of the house if the relationship ends. I think it's perfectly normal to give me a month to move out. She owns this house. It's hers. Her mortgage was completely paid off when we met so its her house.

    I've looked for many years. Tried dating men and then women and being single sucked so bad. When we met I fell for her big time. There's not a doubt in my mind about that.

    We just don't have anything in common. Sure opposites attract but now that the sex is barely happening anymore, its taking its toll on our relationship.

    Honestly, I think I deserve better but just because I deserve better doesn't mean I will find it. It's an OK relationship. I'm not getting any younger and well its gets harder when you are older to find someone. I think every settles in some aspect and I'm ok with that. I don't think it means I have low self-esteem. Trust me, I do not. I'm just a realist.

    As for the going back to dating men, well I am bisexual and if I'm going to be single again I will definitely give it a chance because being queer is just awful. If I have to get out there and start looking again, I'll definitely try to look for a guy. Why choose discrimination and being called dyke and other things if I walk down the street holding my partners hand? Why have to worry about whether or not to come out at work and how much it will hurt my career?

    I'm not hoping to break up but if we do, I'll see if I can find a guy. It will probably be much easier to find a guy since I'm no longer wanting to have a baby and hoping for marriage. Now I'm just thinking companionship and move in.
     
  8. pinklov3ly

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    Given everything you've typed, I sense that you're very unhappy, so why not just break up with her? I get that being alone sucks, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

    I've dated men and women before finally accepting who I am. Dating either gender has its challenges, and when we're with certain people, we discover what we're unwilling to settle for. And to me, it sounds like you're settling. Like, the last girl I dated was very selfish and unwilling to compromise, so I had to let go.

    And I don't think being with a man is any easier than being with a woman. If you're with someone, they should make you feel great; gender becomes irrelevant. It's not all bad being queer and being where I'm from, I don't get discriminated against. Someone would have a lot of nerve to outwardly call someone names in public. If anything, I think you should talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling and if there's a future for you and her.
     
    #8 pinklov3ly, Jun 4, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2013
  9. Chip

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    Somebody that stays in a relationship where their partner repeatedly threatens them with ending the relationship, where there's no love, where there's nothing in common, where you're not out and are deeply concerned about coming out, and who views being queer as problematic.... DEFINITELY has self-esteem issues.

    I'm not saying that to be hurtful. I'm saying it because you really do deserve better. You aren't happy, and it sounds like you're unhappy in a lot of aspects of your life. You deserve better and you can do better. But only if you believe in yourself and work on the self-esteem issues. You can continue to deny the issues are there, and stay in a loveless, unhappy relationship with someone you have little in common with... or you can get help, work on yourself, and get to a healthier place. It's impossible to be happy and live wholeheartedly when you have shame... and if you're closeted (whether at work or elsewhere) and in an unsatisfying relationship, there's definitely shame there, because you're in a place where you believe you won't be accepted for who you are, or can't do any better.

    As for age... one of my friends didn't even come out until his late 60s. He's the happiest he's ever been, and has done a lot of self-work, and is fully enjoying life. It's never too late to find someone who cares, to have a happy, healthy, relationship, and to be open and authentic about who you are.

    You started this thread because you were looking for answers. I encourage you to actually listen to what you're being told, rather than tell everyone that it isn't as bad as it seems. You deserve better, and you can have better... but only if you'll take the responsibility to work on yourself and get to a place where you can get what you deserve.
     
  10. FruitFly

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    Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I don't think there is anything wrong with her kicking me out of the house if the relationship ends. I think it's perfectly normal to give me a month to move out. She owns this house. It's hers. Her mortgage was completely paid off when we met so its her house.
    I completely agree with this. If you do end up breaking up, then it is not unreasonable for her to wish you to move out of what is essentially her house. It's a horrible situation to be in, especially when you are aware that you will have to move out if it ends, but you're right; I view that as completely normal and even healthy. I would be deeply uncomfortable remaining in the house of the person I broke up with, at least within the first couple of weeks when you're trying to process the fact that the relationship is no more.

    I've looked for many years. Tried dating men and then women and being single sucked so bad. When we met I fell for her big time. There's not a doubt in my mind about that.
    I can believe that, when you finally find someone that you really feel for, and that is mutual, it can be a huge burst of emotion.

    We just don't have anything in common. Sure opposites attract but now that the sex is barely happening anymore, its taking its toll on our relationship.
    I think the whole opposites attract thing forgets about the fact that while there may be obvious differences, there are normally a few key similarities which keep the relationship going on a long-term basis. People who are truly opposite to each other may have an extremely intense period in their relationship, but sustaining this on a long-term basis can be difficult if there are no key similarities knitting the relationship together.

    Honestly, I think I deserve better but just because I deserve better doesn't mean I will find it. It's an OK relationship. I'm not getting any younger and well its gets harder when you are older to find someone. I think every settles in some aspect and I'm ok with that. I don't think it means I have low self-esteem. Trust me, I do not. I'm just a realist.
    However just because you won't find anyone better does not mean you deserve to be in a situation that is obviously frustrating you to this point. There are serious issues in the way the relationship is working and these either need to be addressed or you need to pull up your socks and realise that just because there may not be anyone better out there it is much, much better to be single than living in a situation which sounds as if it has real potential to turn toxic if things are not actively worked through. People may settle, but people shouldn't settle if they're unhappy with the situation. It may even be worthwhile to not break up but leave the house for a short period of time. Move out, keep working on your relationship but remove the leverage she has when it comes to asking you to move out. You can still work on your relationship when living apart, but it can also give you both the space from each other which can sometimes be needed to come to a point where you either actively want to work on the issues that are present or you want to remove yourself from the situation completely.

    As for the going back to dating men, well I am bisexual and if I'm going to be single again I will definitely give it a chance because being queer is just awful. If I have to get out there and start looking again, I'll definitely try to look for a guy. Why choose discrimination and being called dyke and other things if I walk down the street holding my partners hand? Why have to worry about whether or not to come out at work and how much it will hurt my career?
    I think it's very, very easy to think this way. Whatever you wish to do, and whatever you believe will be best for you, then do that. There is no real advice or comments that I can give in regards to this particular section as I do think that while we, as bisexuals, cannot control our orientation we can make a decision to ignore part of it if we are dead set on living "the straight life". However I do not believe that life will necessarily be any easier if you decide to do that, even if it is tempting to think it will be.

    I'm not hoping to break up but if we do, I'll see if I can find a guy. It will probably be much easier to find a guy since I'm no longer wanting to have a baby and hoping for marriage. Now I'm just thinking companionship and move in.

    Whatever you believe will make you happy that is what you must explore.
     
  11. Femme

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  12. MerBear

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    Hey, You needed to vent right?. There was nothing wrong with that.
    I understand where you're coming from. I've been in a slightly similar situation and had the same feelings as you