Closet gay male in need of help from you guys.

I am 26 and I am not out. I've fully accepted myself as gay but I am living too much of a comfortable fake life that I can't seem to come out. Only one of my friend knows that I am gay and she only knew because I went through a severe depression and needed someone to talk to. However, this is not my point. This post is going to be lengthy so I thank you those of you who put the time to read it.

Last semester in college I met this guy in my class. He's not the most attractive guy and I can be kind of superficial sometime. It's just preferences I guess.. I didn't care to talk to him or acknowledge him much in class because I already had a group of friend in that class. Later on he started to hang out with our group of friends ( two girls and myself ) I surround myself with woman a lot because I get along with them. It's hard for me to hang out with guys as much as I want to have more guy friends. Anyway, He got introduced into the group and that's when I started learning more about him. during the time he was still dating this girl for years. He would constantly hang out with me and my friends more than his girlfriend at one point, and he was almost hiding us as his friends from his girlfriend. He comes off very masculine. I KNOW he tries to act really manly. Because sometimes it feels as if he over does it. When we study together he would comment on my pencil and ask me why I would write in pencil and that I should write in pen and that it's more "manly." I didn't bother responding to that.

One time when we would went out with our friends there was this really flamboyant waiter that served us and he made a comment aloud " Is our waiter gay? no wonder he is checking you out" and my friends just giggled.. I didn't even know what to say to that so I didn't. moreover, He got invited out to one of my friends birthday. I barely knew him and this was our first time out together. He brought his girlfriend and he introduced her to our group of friends. He got a couple drinks in and he came behind me and kind of tickled both sides of my ribs. I didn't say anything to it.. because I don't know how to approach these things. I go to the gym often so I consider myself quite fit..He says to me " we should go to the gym together" and he grabbed my biceps and felt on it. Whatever, I didn't think much of it lol.

A couple of days later, he sent me a text and we don't text.. Like I mentioned, we barely were just getting to know each other. He said to me " Why is a handsome guy like you single?" when I read the text I was just shocked why he would ask me that... I responded with " why are you asking me such a random question?" and he says " just curious" I gave him a repose in the line of " I don't know, what's wrong with being single?" and he says " you just don't seem like the type that would be single" I didn't touch that topic anymore because it got uncomfortable with me.

I'm going to fastforward this a little bit..

We became pretty close friends and started hanging out and texting a whole lot.. it became to txting EVERY DAY. we never talked about his girlfriend, we never talk about girls ANYTHING like that. but he always asks me why I don't have a girlfriend, and teases me about girls that he sees me talk to. Every girl he sees me interact with, he would ask me if I like them. I don't know why he was always so curious about this. We got drunk many times, and he's a very sweet guy. He would offer me his jacket when it's cold outside. One time he also waited for me to sober up so I don't wait alone so that I could drive back.

One friday night, he and our group of friends were going out. I picked him up in shorts and a T shirt. he asked me " are you wearing that to go out?" I said " no, I'm changing at X's place." Lets call one of our mutual friends X (a GIRL). So I went in and changed, and when I got out all my friends were whistling at me and calling me hot. He had a couple drinks already at my friends house, and he came up to me and said " I posted something on your facebook, go check it out." and I responded OK, I will later... I didn't think it was such a big deal. He came to me again and asked me if I checked my facebook. I gave him an attitude and said " no, I did not" and he said " OK, sheesh." Later on at the bar, when my friends got up and went to the restroom, he snuck a kiss on my cheeks. I Didn't know what or how to react to that.. So I didn't do anything again. Moreover, I totally forgot about the facebook thing until later on that night when I was heading home.. When I checked it, he left a comment saying "How come a handsome guy like you don't have a girlfriend?" again, he asked me this lol.

Everytime we drink, he ask me a lot of personal questions... for example, if I ever had sex, have I ever had a girlfriend, if all my friends were only girls... as if he's trying to test me or something.. I gave him answers that were not fully honest because I didn't want to out myself.

two weeks later after that outing, we both got really drunk at X's house, and both of our foreheads were leaning against each other I don't even know why it happened I can't remember, but all I remember is that we looked at each other deeply in the eye and I felt as if he was about to kiss me.. so I backed off and sat down on the couch. He came and sat next to me and he put his hands on my thigh and was rubbing up and down on it. I let him, and when he realize he was doing it, he took his hands off. A moment after that he grabbed my head and tilted my head towards him and he totally kissed me on my cheeks again. I didn't respond to that, I just let it happen..

I will update this post more tomorrow, but let me know what you guys this about this so far. The story is still very long.. Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks guys for the prompt response and advice. I am both venting and looking for advice. I am going to continue with the story now to clear up some of the statements I said on my previous post as it came off confusing because my story is not complete.

Everything that I mentioned previously happened over half a year ago. It was last year and started around November.

There was another incident when we both went out with a bunch of classmates from class to a bar. He sat in front of me and would always egg me on to drink. It's nothing new about him I feel as if he's always competing with me. I mentioned that I am pretty fit and I go to the gym quite often. Because of this,I think that's why he got back into working out also.. he was a little chubby at the beginning of the semester and he started to lose a good amount of weight where it became visible. Sorry I went off topic. But back to the bar incident with my classmates. The evening went fine, I am a very analytical guy so I watch his moves a lot. We were there for about an hour then everyone took off, it was just me and him there. We both were pretty tipsy at this point. I saw one of my friend across the table and I went over there to say hi.. There were two girls sitting on opposite ends of each other. I sat next to my friend, and he came over and stood there. I introduced him to my friend and the other girl I just met that day. He pushed his way in to sit next to that girl, while i was sitting next to my friend. The whole time my friend was talking to me about school and what not, she likes to have deep conversations with me because I hardly get to see her. As I was listening to her, I can also hear him talk to the other girl and he was kind of flirting with her at the same time. The thing about this guy is that when I am doing something, for example talking to a girl he thinks I'm flirting with her then he has to flirt with someone too. I know it's weird but that's what I get from him.

Moreover, as I was just talking to my friend I heard him say something to that girl he was sitting next to. He said " what kind of guys are you interested in? you think he's handsome? " he called out my name and told me to smile for her. I was like what? At this point, I wasn't surprised by the things he does to me anymore. Very random. We got up and left the bar with those two girls and I was walking my friend to their car. He came next to me and had his arms around me and for some reason it led to him and me holding hands for a 2 seconds and he said to me " you wanna hold my hand? ok" I was embarrassed because I am not comfortable and I am not out. So I dropped his hand really fast. My friend commented " awww how cute look at this bromance " I was thinking to myself this isn't bromance. lol. Anyway we got to their car and we said our good byes. After that it was just me and him and he said to me " that girl really likes you huh?" I said "what? no she doesn't shes just a really good friend from school for a few years." He replies with " It seems like she really likes you, you don't like her?" and I said " no." Again, he's asking me questions about other girls in my life again.

He barely came into my life so he doesn't know any of my friends, close friends, or anything like that. He probably asked those questions so many times with so many different girls.

Heres where things started to really shake between the both of us. At this point I was really developing feelings for this guy and I had to be super careful because of his relationship status and my uncertainty of his sexuality...

In our group of friends there was this girl, lets call her X, I mentioned her previously. We would always hang out at her place from time to time because she lives right off campus. We hung out at her place and was watching a movie and had a couple drinks, he came over to me and asked me the same old questions again... " How come you don't have a girlfriend?" And I said " why are you still on this?" and my friend X got annoyed with him because she knows I don't talk about my personal life much, not with ANYONE. X said to him " Stop asking him questions he's very personal about his life, so just leave it alone." He responds with " Has he EVER had a girlfriend?" omg, this guy drove me crazy at that point lol. He doesn't know when to stop.. I seriously don't get all the questions.

Moreover, out of all the girls, he teased me about this one the most. I think he tease me about X the most is because he seems me interact with her the most. At the bar, at the club, when i'm drunk.. I am always dancing or flirting with her. I cover myself up with girls a lot. He always says " you and X makes a cute couple" he says it to me, he says it to her, he says it on Facebook. One time in lab I walked over to talk to her and I could see him glaring at us for some reason, I tried not to make anything out of it and looked away. My other friend also told me whenever I would dance with X, he would look at us a lot. At this point, I was thinking maybe he is interested in her. But then again he doesn't ask me anything about her. All of us became a really close group of friends. X said to me a couple times that she thinks he has a crush on me. She said " I don't know what it is, straight or homosexual but I seriously think he has a crush on you." I mean I don't even know what we or HE has been doing around me for her to even notice that.

He cracked jokes on X a lot and one time he made her really mad to the point she ignored him and he felt really bad. He's a really nice guy. He brought her desserts to make up for it and she still was kind of upset. She still ignored his texts for a few days then later he sent a text saying " I say mean things sometime to block myself from doing what I am not suppose to do which is to like you" I guess what he's saying that he was interested in her. When I found this out I was really upset and sad that I was thinking the wrong thing all this time and that I was a fool to even think that he had homosexual tendencies. I only blamed myself at this point.

Fast forward to the last week of school, he pissed off my friend the girl he likes lets call her X. He constantly made jokes about her TOWARDS her a lot and she couldn't take it anymore and she ignored him for a couple of days.. he constantly texted her to apologize and she later accepted the apology. During this last week a lot of things happened...We all took our second to the last final wednesday, and our teacher wanted to a pizza dinner thing near school. I said I didn't want to go because I had one more final and I needed to study.. He was so persistent in wanting me to come But I told him the day before I couldn't go and that I needed to study. My friend X didn't want to go either. I wasn't sure if he was persistent with her.. but I know he asked her to go couple of times too. Even through text the day before the pizza thing, he was like " go tomorrow after lab, eat pizza, then go study. thanks " Still, I didn't want to go. Then during lab, I had a bunch of books on the table, and he sits next to me ( he was my lab partner that semester ). After class the professor asked if everyone was coming.. but i didn't reply to her I was just going to no show. Anyway, he asked me again in class and I said no I wasn't going to go.. and he came close to me and he grabbed my books. I pulled it back from him and I was like " what are you doing? " and he said " what? I just wanted to help you carry it " I already knew what he was up to, he was trying to get me to go to the pizza place. Anyway, so I ended up not going. That night I was studying in the library all night and he was there too. He went to get coffee and he asked me If I wanted anything and I said no.. He texted me while he was getting coffee and was talking about studying with this one girl from class and so I teased him and I was like what? is she giving you a back massage too? And he said something along the line of " i'll pass " and he says " what does it take to get a massage from you though? " and I said " Go get one from X" and he got mad! he said to me " dude your so stupid sometime " and I said " why? " and he ignored me the whole night until he got home and he texted me " I am going to sleep don't text me back " lol. I don't know what happened there to be honest. I Don't know if I pissed him off because he's still with his gf and hes having feelings for another girl or if I keep pushing his buttons.

I know I can be really pushy. I went through mix feelings for him and at the same time I wasn't comfortable with everything either. I know i made it more complicated than I should have, but I was really scared of him. I was scared that I might fall too hard for him. In this case it's a little too late to say that now. I will continue this a little later.. thanks for reading guys!

 

@tightrope I don't think he is that pushy, or at least I hope not. I feel as if I am the pushy one. Please follow up on my story so you could understand him better.

@wrhla He's been with his girlfriend for 6 years, they're currently not together anymore. I will explain this part in the story.

During the last week of school, I took my second to the last final on a Thursday. The following Friday we were suppose to go out to a club to see a DJ spin. I don't know if you guys are big on electronic music, but where I live in California it's getting big. I invited him to go a few weeks back and he said he would go because he never saw a DJ live before. He basically got into this music because of me or that's what It seems like. We talked a lot about this type of music and he ask me a lot of questions and interests. That Thursday after my final he texted me and was talkin to me about Friday and said that "If X and lets call my other friend that is a girl "Y" isn't going I probably won't go." So I got really butt hurt because I thought to my self "wow, he really like X that much where he wouldn't go with me, after all we been through this semester." I really like him so I got upset over it. Therefore I replied to him and said " ok that's fine, I see where I fall in line between our friendship and theirs." And he said " it's not even like that." and I replied to him " oh really? then what is it like? just forget it, don't get the ticket anymore." HE said " Ok I will just get it and go just to be a bro." I said to him " I don't get why you make such a big deal out of those two girls not going and all of a sudden you want to go?" He replied with " I just never been to a club with a guy that's all." That's when I was like oh damn, I see his point.

Thursday night came around the corner and I was studying for my last final which was that Friday morning. He texted me. I knew he was drunk because of what he was saying. He asked me " How do you tell someone that youre not feeling them anymore that has a major crush on you?" I replied to him " Are you talking about you and your girlfriend?" He said I like to keep it hypothetical." And I responded with " Dude, if it's about you then let it be about you, I don't see the big deal. We are all adults here." So basically he ranted and said that he wants to break up with his girlfriend and that they've been having issues for awhile, and that he just feels bad breaking up with her. I told him that if he isn't feeling her anymore then he needs to let it go because he's just hurting himself and her more in the end. He told me that he was talking to his bestfriend about this too. This was the first time he ever opened up to me about his personal life.. I see myself as his close friend this past semester but never on this level. He asked me " Can I just text her right now and tell her it's off?" and I replied to him " Dude you dated her for 6 years... and you want to break it off through a text? Where's the respect in that? You out of all people should know not to be doing that. IT's not fair, every person deserves an explanation. You should sober up go to bed and talk to her about it tomorrow." He agreed with me and he tried to sober up, but the whole time he knew I was trying to study and continued to talk to me and asked if I would be okay for the final tomorrow. He told me he was going to a bar near by campus before we all go out to the club on friday. I told him I would go with him incase he needed some body to talk to.

Friday came around and I met up with him at the bar I was the designated driver that night so I did not drink before driving everyone to the club. X and Y did not go those two were in on MAIN group of friends. But instead 4 of my other friends came along who he barely knew and just met 2 of them, one of them was a gay guy that was out, lets call him Jeff. At the bar, I came pretty late. Probably around 30 minutes late and he was waiting outside. It was december so it was really cold and I felt bad. But he wouldn't stop making me feel bad about it he likes to do it to me alot. He complained the whole time about how I made him wait and that it was really cold. When we left the bar we went to X's house to pick up some friends that I mentioned earlier to head out. When we met one of my friend he told her how I made him wait outside for a long time and it was cold and that I was messed up. STILL, he was on that subject. I just looked over at him and gave him the stinky eye... he laughed it off.

We all took off to the club and everyone was pretty much drunk in the car while I was driving. He was sitting on the passenger seat next to me and he talked to me about a trip to vegas that I was planning this summer. He wanted to come along and try to get strippers... He said to me " i know a few friend that could get you some strippers, are you down?" the whole time I was really fed up and annoyed with him. He was drunk, and kept saying stupid shit like that to me in the car ride. I responded to him with " Dude, no, save the strippers for yourself" And he replied to me " It's not my kind of thing, But I can get them for you." Again, I don't know why he even said that. While I was driving there was a billboard that said " In the closet" for some advertisement... he grabbed me and told me to look at the billboard and said that was me. I was even more mad at him at this point. He can be such a jerk when he's drunk. Moreover, one of my friend in the backseat asked about X and why she didn't come. And I replied with " oh she's tired from finals so she's sleeping. It's weird not having her here huh? I'm so used to partying with her." He looked over at me when I said that and I looked back at him and I can tell he looked mad. He then said to me " Oh... so you want her here huh?" I responded with " What? she's always with us so it's kind of weird that she's not." I approached a stop light and I checked my phone, he POPPED his head in my space and looked at my phone. Usually, he is NEVER like this, I don't know what went on with him that night. So I said to him " dude, mind your own business" He knew I was really mad with him too. I don't know , at this point I was thinking " is he acting up because i mentioned X and he likes her? or?" what do you guys think?

Anyway, we got to the club and he was really drunk. I was dancing with two random girls there and I could see him standing there and he looked at me. Later on I stopped and I was just enjoying the music. for some reason he got really close to me and then for some reason we locked hands. I told him to stop acting up and I threw his hands off. And he said to me " are you jealous?" I seriously don't know why he even said that to me. A moment later he took off and I was looking for him. I texted him " Where are you? can you please stop acting up, I'm getting frustrated with you." He said " fuck you." lol. When I ran into him again he was holding to drinks and he gave me one. He said " I went to get you a drink." A bit later he disappears again.. this time he disappeared for a good hour. I went in and out of the club trying to find him. Then all of a sudden inside the club he jumped on my back, I was relief. I asked him where did he go, and he told me he lost his phone. He was running around the whole club like a drunk ass... and I was playing catch up with him. I couldn't take it anymore so I bought a couple waters and pulled him outside the club. I told him he needs to go with me to sober up. He had his arms around me because he has a weak knee and he injured it. When we were walking out the bouncer said to me " So you're talking him home right?" and He said back to the bouncer " FUCK YOU! I am not gay" The bouncer was like " CHILL" I told him to relax and I don't know why you're getting mad over nothing. I didn't not even take it as a gay comment when the bouncer said that... I know we were clubbing in san francisco but I didn't think much of it. But apparently he did.

Anyway, I walked him to my car and he was drinking water and sobered up in there.. he brought up X and how he likes her and that he wants to pursue her. In the car he was talking about her a whole lot. I told him I do not like her and that if he really does see her like that he can go for it. The reason why I told him that was because I know he tested me in the past about her so I wasn't sure if that was the reason why. At the same time when he was talking to me about her I felt really sad and ashamed at myself for falling for him.I had already knew X would not be interested in him and I should have just told him, but I didn't. Because I felt so bad. He told me he wanted to ask her out to dinner but he had lost his phone.. and asked to use mine. I gave him my phone and he texted her and asked her out for dinner. I asked him if he had a pen so I can give him her number so that when he gets a new phone he could contact her. As I was writing down her number, he said " can I get your number too?" I looked at him for a second, and he says " No, nevermind why do I need your number?" He went off topic and brought up that Jeff (the gay guy) He said to me " Who do you think is gayer, you or jeff?" Jeff is pretty flamboyant and I do not think I am any where near that. He starts to chuckle when he asked me that. I said to him " grow up."

My friends all got out of the club and we headed back to town. I dropped my friends back at home and then I drove him back.. he said that he wanted to take me out to eat to make it up for tonight. I told him not to worry about it and it's okay. He asked me when will I come back to town and I told him not for a month and a half. Since school is over I was leaving town to go home back to my parents house.

I will keep updated with the story soon. Sorry, it is very lengthy but I think I am halfway done.

---------- Post added 4th Jun 2013 at 04:28 AM ----------

@robclem21 To answer your questions he doesn't talk to me about his girlfriend. He is flirty with girls in a way but not too much. It's more just talking and what not. He was the most flirty with X though.

You basically nailed my personality and how I feel. I agree with you 100%. I am not ready for him even though I been through all this I am currently using it to push my limits. To draw myself out of this comfort zone that I am in. It is hard but I am trying. What you said about me and him is exactly where it has been for the past few months. Thank you for your honesty and I really appreciate it.

 

I'm going to continue where I left off with the vent. And hopefully some advice after I am done.

I dropped him off and that night I went home and I had a lot to think about. Where I messed up and why did I fall for this guy. I had a lot of feelings running through me the whole time. Someone I liked and on top of that he is into one of my best friends.

That morning I woke up he left me a facebook message apologizing for the previous night, and that he wanted to make it up to me over food. He asked me When I was coming back to visit. I gave him an attitude and Told him " I already told you, I am not coming back for awhile, probably not until school starts again." He replied with " Ok." That week I was leaving town to go off for a family trip and he facebook message me a lot throughout the week because he didn't have a phone. He told me he was going to try to get one as soon as possible. I later told him that X never replied to his question about dinner when he used my phone that night at the club and he said that it's ok. I told him if he wants to talk to her he should just message her on Facebook. The whole trip I was away he spoke to me a lot about her asking me for advice on what to do about her. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I started giving him advice... I now realized that when I gave him advice, i was only doing it to make myself feel better that I was not holding him away from her. I did no think about X at all and how she would not like that. I made matters worst for the both of them because I sympathized him so much. I kept egging him on to talk to her and that he shouldn't give up.. He finally got a hold of her and he asked her out for dinner.. this was around late December. She told me that he had asked her and that she was going just to be friends. She also told me she just wanted to clear everything up that happened at the end of the semester so that he doesn't think she's still mad at him.

So he did ended up taking her out to dinner and he was telling me about it and he sounded happy. I was happy but sad at the same time. At one point he talked to me about her a lot and I didn't know what else to say to him. I couldn't take it anymore and it was my mistake for getting into it and I didn't want to be in the middle so I told him " I don't want to be in the middle of you two. You both are my good friends and I don't like talking to you about her like this or vice versa. If you don't know what to do about her then this is when you should learn and approach her yourself." He agreed and he thanked me for the honesty and that he would never want me to be the middle person.

Later that end of december, he asked to meet up with her at her hometown so that he can tell her something. I think it was probably that he likes her I don't know. She didn't want him to come to her hometown so she never responded to his messages. On top of that she didn't want to hurt him. I felt so stuck in the middle at this point because both sides were talking to me about this whole situation. I really did dig myself into a hole. I feel like an idiot just thinking about it now. However, he got the idea when she didn't respond to him much or talk to him much anymore. He told me that he gets it and he understands.

Moreover, he went out and bought an expensive gift and sent it off to her home. She told him not to but he did it anyways. To me, I don't get why he was jumping on it so fast and sending her gifts, this and that. What do you guys think? Was he just sprung? I don't know. Later he finally got his phone back and he did drunk call her one time

Anyway, New year came around and I went down Southern California for a big party and around 2AM he texted me to wish me happy new year. And I asked how his was and he told me he was out partying too at a club. He told me the bad part about is that it was mainly couples. I told him it's okay, It's New Years. That night I posted a picture of me and one of my friend (girl from social) on facebook and he saw it. He texted me about it and asked me " who is that cute girl you were with?" I ignored his question because it sounded as if he was trying to pry again. Moments later he asked me again, he said, " Who is that girl you were with? Is she your cousin?" I responded with " no, she's just a friend." And he went on and asked me about these parties I attend and if I ever hit on girls there. I told him no. Again, all of a sudden he starts throwing these questions at me again. It was really confusing to me because he claims he likes X, but he still bombard me with these questions. Maybe I am just over thinking it..He always tells me that he wants to help me find a girl and I always told him no thank you. lol. When he got his phone back, we texted like EVERYDAY again talking about everything. But I tried to keep it on a friend to friend level because I didn't want to mess up again. I was sorting out my feelings at the same time.

During the first week of January, he got sick so he didn't text me for a couple days. I was out of town anyway, so I didn't think much of it. He texted me later and told me that he was sick and he was recovering, I made fun of him and called him a whimp. The relationship that we have is always bashing on each other and making fun of each other. He told me " I never wished this sickness on anyone, but I am going to make an exception for you." LOL. I just thought that was funny so I had to mention that. He asked me when I was coming back to town to hang out. I bailed on him 3-4 times that he asked me and he sounded upset over it. He told me " Ok, then I guess whenever youre busy I'll just say that I can't hang out" I told him " I am really busy, and the drive back to campus is just way too far for me." he continued and kept saying "Sigh." I told him not to make me feel bad about it and that I will see him when school picks up again. He replied to me and said " at this rate Im going to have enough corn flakes because you keep flaking" lol.. He goes on and on about that. I understand that he wants to see me, but I too, wasn't ready to see him. I was just settling my feelings for him down.

About two weeks later into January, we were still talking a lot.. and I got really drunk one night and I was texting him. I wasn't flirting with him or anything but he knew I was drunk because I told him. I asked him how come he hasn't talked to me about X lately and he said to me " about that....I don't think I liked her as much as I thought I did. I was just confused." I was shocked at what he said and I replied with " What do you mean confused? How do you not like her as much? Are you in denial because she's not into you too?" He's a prideful person so I assumed he was in denial and is just telling me that he's not into her to not look like a fool. Because it doesn't make sense to me how was so sprung then all of a sudden, BARELY a month later, tell me that he's not into her. That really confused the hell out of me. I told him that he shouldn't be in denial, and he said that he wasn't.... I told him that if there's anything you would like to know about her I can help you out. He said " there's nothing." He then changed the subject and said to me " But I am wondering something though...can I help you find your girlfriend? we can go searching for you" I said back to him " why? I don't ned one, I am good... look out for yourself." During this time I was still drunk and I told him about someone I was into for a long time but didn't give him a name or a gender. He didn't ask me but he assumed it was a girl.. He was shocked and replied with " Really? Who is she? What's her name? Do I know her? WHo is this lucky girl?" I told him not to worry about and that I was going to head to bed... and thanks for letting me vent. I asked him when he was going to bed and he replied with " you're going to bed? I am not yet, I am just trying to get to the bottom of something." I have no idea what meant.

After that conversation with him it confused me again and I really tried not to over think it and just left it as it.

Sorry if this story is a little draggy, I have a lot to say and a lot to talk about. I'm going to continue with this a little later. Thanks for keeping up with my post! any advice or comments are welcome. What do you think of him so far?

 

@timemage No, X does not know I am gay. Well, I don't know if he's lonely or not but I do recall him telling me that he was confused because of his break up from his girlfriend. But what I don't get is that why the confusion? He's the one that broke up with her. And he knew it was coming because they were shaky and he told me that he wanted to end things with her before but just felt bad. So I am not sure if that's an excuse or not.

@crazyantfarm Thanks for your response. Yea at this state I was rather confused also because I didnt know what he wanted, on top of that I didn't know what I wanted. I think I am too busy trying to figure him out that I need to work on myself first. About the nosy comment... he's not very much a nosy person. He's very typical. He doesn't text or talk to my other friends like that ( that are girls ). But then again I don't know how he interacts with HIS friends because I never met them before. I'll continue on with the story.

It was about the end of January and All me and my friends planned a trip out to san francisco before we had started school. He knows these guys too, they were the same people we hung out with last semester with additional two a couple more people that he slightly know of. X was going but none of these guys invited him. I wanted to invite him but I didn't know how things were between him and X and I didn't want it to make them both feel awkward so I just left it alone. We ended up going to san francisco and the next day they posted some pictures on Facebook. It didn't occur to me but he stopped talking to me for a couple days after we went to San francisco. I thought maybe he was butt hurt and I ended up feeling really bad about it... I didn't bring up the topic but I did text him to see if he wanted to hang out since I was back in school. He responded promptly and agreed that we should go grab a few drinks and catch up. By this time my feelings for him were very much settled and I kind of thought I was over him at this point.

It was a Thursday night and he had work the following day, my car was broken during the time so he came and picked me up. I realized when I was waiting for him I became extremely nervous and I thought to myself " why the hell am I nervous? I thought I was getting over him?" Then he texted me " I am out side, come out, lets go." He waited for me in his car as I came out. When I sat down in his car I said " hey asshole." I call him names and stuff a lot it's just how we are. I took a good look at him using my peripherals I couldn't get my eyes off him. For some reason he looked a lot different in just 6 weeks he lost a lot of weight and he was dressed up. He looked very nice. At the same time I felt my body being tingly and nervous and I didn't know how to talk to him. That was when I realized my feelings came rushing back like it never went away. I was just in denial about getting over him. I fell head over hells, even worst when I stepped my foot into his car.

The whole ride to the bar it was just us arguing with each other in a flirty manner about where the bar was and we made a couple circles getting to the bar because we didn't know EXACTLY where it was. When I think back at it now, yes, it was pretty much a playful argument. He told me " since I am driving you're drinking a lot right?" I said " we will see.." So at the bar we both had a couple drinks in and he didn't want to eat because he was dieting.. So i got myself a burger and some fries. I couldn't finish it and asked if he wanted some.. he ended up eating the rest of my fries. I hate ketchup so i NEVER eat ketchup. When we got up from that spot where we were eating and drinking at the bar to move to a different bar he said to me " Did you notice how I didn't eat any ketchup either with my fries just because you don't like it? I can easily adapt" I thought to myself " WTF? he remembers i hate ketchup? I didn't even realize it that he knows i hate ketchup" I just laughed it off and didn't know what to say to that. We moved to a different bar and we sat down and got another drink. He asked me if I got abs yet because last semester he kept asking me about my stomach and I would never show him because it's not as nice as I want it to be. But he ended up lifting up my shirt to check anyways.. lol. after that he kept saying that I have a belly and teased me about it until this very day. Anyway, when he asked me about my stomach at the bar, he reached over and tried to feel on it and i held his rest and moved it away in a flirty *stop* kind of approach. He laughed at me. Moreover, I was wearing a hat that night so it covered up my hair. I originally have a mowhawk and he always made fun of it too. He asked me to take off my hat to see if I still have the mohawk. I told him " Yes I still have it." And he said " take ur hat off let me see." I took it off and showed it to him that I still do. He said to me " I think your much better than a mohawk. You need to change your hairstyle.. it'll help you with interviews" I said to him " I am not graduating yet so why do I have to care about interviews? and responded with " Interviews, and girls." I chuckled and said whatever... At this point I was a little buzzed and for some reason I brought up X again. But this time it was in person. That's when I realized I wasn't over this whole thing. I asked him about it and I simply told him that I wasn't into her I guess because I assumed he was still in denial. He looked upset when I brought it up and he said to me " It doesn't matter if you're into her or not even if you were it doesn't mean that she would be into you." I was being dramatic and I know that now, and I shouldn't have brought that up at all.

We ended up leaving the bar and he was taking me back to my place. On the car ride back a song I really liked came on and I told him to guess what song it was and he couldn't figure it out so I told him the title. He was about to tell me about one of the songs he heard that was good and I turned up the volume really loud to block him out. I was just teasing him. I was singing super loud too and he was just laughing and he called me rude. He then said to me " I don't know why it took 6 weeks just to see you" I said to him " Sorry, I been busy.. my mom came back to visit I didn't know what else to do so I had to cancel plans. I hardly get to see her." I added on top of that " I know you miss me but I can't please you all the time (sarcasm)" I was teasing him and he started to really laugh when I said that. He dropped me off and I said bye to him. I texted him 20 mins later saying good night and thanks for driving me.

Sorry this story is extremely long lol. I have to be right back!

 

I am glad you guys look forward to the posts, I thought I was talking way too much.

@Mystory, I know I had to learn it the hard way.. you can't ever force yourself to get over someone.

The next morning he texted me and started to talk to me about random things again. In this relationship that we have as friends, he tried a lot with me and he's always the first one to text me in the morning while he's at work. I went on like that for awhile. We hardly get to see each other this semester because we aren't takin the same class and he works now. But still, I hate to be the first one to ask to see him because I don't like coming off clingy or show too much emotions towards him. It's just something about me that I can't seem to change and I am working on bettering myself in that sense. Two weeks later he planned to have a get together with everyone from last semester, us four main friends from lab including X. He invited X last minute and she couldn't come. Although, I don't think she would have came anyway. Later that night before the date we were all suppose to hang out and grab unlimited drinks at a brunch restaurant he told me that X isn't going. I said to him " well, if you wanted her to come then you should have invited her earlier, not wait until the last minute. He said " it's okay, it kind of saves the awkwardness" I replied with " what awkwardness, I thought you were over her like you said?" he said to me " Its not me, I think it's he." That totally confused me, and of course me being that person that really likes him I was over reacting like always and started to question him again. I said to him " I don't get how you said you're over it and yet you still feel the need to be awkward" He replied with " I am over it, i told u it's not me, it's her. I can't really explain it." I left it as it is at that point and didn't bother responding to him. He texted me again later that night and told me to cheer up.

Later that morning when we were all meeting up there was only 3 of us. me, him, and Y. If you guys don't recall Y from the previous post, she's my other good friend from last semester thats friends with all of us. I got to the restaurant and apparently he was already buzzed from drinking champagne there I sat down next to him, across from Y. He looked at me up and down from my side I can see him. And he says " nice shirt, we both kind of look the same right now." We both were wearing plaid. I said to him " no we don't my shirt is a different color" and he says " Y, don't we both look alike right now?" lol I don't get him somtimes on why he always does these sort of things. He looks at my hair and he touches it and says " your hair is different from the last time I saw you, no?" I said back to him " What do you mean different? It's still a mohawk" And he said " It's shorter isn't it?" I replied with " yeah,,.. I got a haircut" And he threw a fit and said " Why didn't you just say that?" I responded with " Well you didn't ASK if I got a haircut, what do you want me to say?" He calls me complicated. WTF. That really got me irritated lol. Y was just watching us for a moment. It got cold in the resturant and where I was sitting the sun was hitting me so I offered Y my seat because she was getting cold.. I sat across from him now and for some reason our feet was touching each other for a bit and I kicked him because when he gets a few drinks in he starts to really get annoying lol. and when I kicked him he looked at me and said " Are you trying to play footsies faggot" I got SO pissed but i didn't even say anything back. This was the first time he ever said that word to me... omg, I was really mad. But I let it go. Soon after Y took off to a library near by to study. So it was just me and him there and he was talking to me.

Ok, so this is going to sound crazy but X got brought up AGAIN. I think It was brought up by me. And we were talking about that subject of matter and he did not really talk much about her or anything. I was basically just throwing questions at him because of the previous night. Soon after, I said that he's really confused and it seems like he's very unstable. I saw tears shedding down from his face, a lot of them. He whipped them away.. but I don't know what I said or did that caused it. I was afraid to even bring it up. I said to him " seriously... I don't know what it is with you.. but it seems like maybe, just maybe, there is something else that I don't know." and he responds with " yeah, maybe " he got up and went to go use the restroom, he came back and put on his backpack because he was going to go study too where Y was because they're in the same class this semester. I stood up and fixed his collar because it looked messed up when he put his backpack on. He looked at me and said " Go keep Y company in the library i'm going to stay here for a bit" I said to him " No, she's fine, I want to be here with you right now. seems like you need that more than her." a bit later he got really mad and just LEAVES the restaurant. 20 mins later he texted me saying " go keep Y company i'll meet up with you guys in a little bit" I didn't respond to him I was pissed that he left me. I went to a gas station near by to grab some water and when I left the gas station I saw him right in front of me. I caught up with him and I said what are you doing? He said he was heading back to the library where Y was at. SO I walked him there and he said wait out here at the bench I'll be back. so I waited for him as he waited for Y to leave because someone was picking her up. When Y left, he came back outside and sat with me there for a bit.. we were just quiet. I asked him if he wanted to go grab some coffee and desserts and he said yeah. We got to the cafe and we sat down for a bit. He got a call from one of his friends and they wanted to meet up with him to have dinner. He told them yeah. and when he hung up he looked at me and asked me to come with him. These are his best friends from what I heard... I told him " No it's ok.. you go, I'm getting really tired " and he insisted that I go with him and he argued back with " Why can't you just go? I barely get to see you, can't I see you a bit longer?" I said " Dude, I am really tired" He responded with " I'll drive you there and drive you back" I still declined it.. I wish I had not. A moment later he took a picture of me and sent it to Y, and I grabbed his phone and looked at his photos. I set his phone down and I saw that there was a picture of him taking a selfie picture with his new smaller stomach. I seen this picture before because he showed it to me over break. He said " give me back my phone " and I was like " ok here, " and I pulled it back towards me lol. He said yeah ok you can look at it, I know you want to see my photos anyway. Since he gave me permission I looked through some of his photos in front of him and he didn't care. I really liked the fact that he was like that.

There is this really good place in san francisco that sells sweet drinks that he knows i really really like. He asked me on wednesday when he gets back from san francisco ( he takes a class over there ) if he could come by my place and give me one. My house is on the total opposite direction so he added " Im going to drop one off to my ex too so i'll just give you one" I don't feel why he said that. I didn't want his friends to wait so I told him we should go. so we got up and left. On the walk out, I said to him " don't call me faggot again" and he responded with " I didn't" I said " yes you did you called me that when we were eating earlier and that's not cool at all. " and he replies with " sorry I won't." I walked him to where his car was. My car was parked the opposite direction. I said bye and took off... I went home and I crashed. I woke up to multiple texts from him one after another... one started with " I should have taken you to your car" and he continued with " please tell me" then an hour later added " its tough drinking in during the day, gets you so tired." I ignored all his texts because I just felt so out of it and didn't know what to say to him.

The next day I texted him to check up on him.. I tried to break the ice and talked about some awesome dessert and he said that there's a place that's good near where he lives. We were talking for a bit and I apologized to him if I made him mad yesterday. Because I still don't know what I did or said for him to take off out of the restaurant. He replies with " Its ok =)" After that he headed to bed because he had class early the next morning.

Let me know what you guys think so far. I will update more tonight.