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What to do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Electron93, Jun 3, 2013.

  1. Electron93

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    Hello,
    new member here, and having some difficulties. So...I came out almost a year ago, which was...very difficult and actually realizing everything. At first, I only told it to my very close friend who happens to be a neighbor (which made meting very easy. Later, I told 7 other people who are also very close friends and open minded. At sum, a total of 9 people know my "little secret". Thats everyone that by my opinion can handle this sort of information without putting me in a difficult position (which of course means, by not telling a living soul).

    Now, the first problem is that I really don't know how to tell this to my parents. And in order to explain the root of the problem, I'll try to explain the background as short as I can.

    So, I am from Croatia, middle Europe, for some people a country of an ex-Yugoslavian formation. The situation here...not very open minded. So, my country by the state statistics is almost at 90% roman-catholic of the total population of 4.5 million citizens. Note to everyone that I also am a Catholic (Christian to be precise), and I used to sing in the church quire as Bass-baritone voice range. Used to go to Sunday church services every time until I accepted and realized who I am. Another minor problem is that ever since I came out, I stopped going to church (except the last Christmas eve)...something is...I don't know, blocking my will to go since the Christian church forbids the whole gay thing. Their theory is, "God won't be angry if I don't do anything gay", that is to say, living, relationships etc.
    I still believe in God, but as I said, I am having some minor problems with it in a religious-institutional form.
    Moving on, my country and the southern neighbor country's are probably the most homophobic country's in the whole Europe. Last years Pride Parade which was held in the city of Split (on the Sea coast side of Croatia) was a catastrophe! As the pride was moving along, all the spectators were throwing rocks, grabbing and beating the hell out of people, and on the side which was held along the main road and fenced out by the authorities, people started yelling "Sieg Heil" and were waving their right hands as people used to salute the Fuhrer. Many of the Pride members got beat up pretty bad, some of them almost lost their legs and who knows what else. And also the whole "operation" was reassigned to change the police formation since every year it's always the same thing, last year the government had to assign over 1200 police officers and a police chopper to monitor the whole situation and make sure nothing goes wrong. Still, the saluting and the flying asteroids(and the yelling "Ubij pedera!!", in translation:"Kill the faggot" kept coming since you can't arrest a town with a total population of over 100,000 people.
    Since I am from a smaller town, Osijek, which is 800 km away from Split, I don't have to worry about that part at some point, but it's still the same country, and worse, the people. Even though, most citizens from the coastal side do lack on moral and intelligence, so these scenarios aren't news to most people here.
    Another new problem came out just a few weeks ago. A small group of people(they call themselves "The citizens initiative" (whatever the "citizen" part means, none of the people I know never heard of them) started on a campaign which was (still is) called "U ime obitelji" (in trans: "In the name of the family") and their main goal is to change the constitutional law which states that Marriage should be a Unity between a man and a woman. Currently, it's stated in the Constitution that "Marriage is a Unity between two people".
    Three weeks ago, their campaign started, they started collecting volunteers who will beg people to sign a petition in which the government will have to put on an election to vote on do they want the constitution to be changed that marriage is a Unity between a man and a woman, and not a unity between two people. They had 2 weeks to collect (as stated by the federal law here) 10% of signed petitions from the total population in order for the government to put the voting on a debate and if agreed, to place an election in order for the whole country to vote on Yes or No on the stated issue.
    On the 26.05.2013., they collected over 615,000 signed petitions (minimum goal was 450,000)
    Now it's up to the government to decide on will they place the election or not. Currently, it's still undecided.
    If this bill passes, I as a Gay individual won't have the equal human rights as other people do. I still don't have them, but with this bill, it will only make things worse.
    The only good thing which is kinda optimistic is that Croatia is going to become a EU member as from 1.7. of this year, and EU human rights won't like this issue. But apart from this, when you see that over 600,000 of 4 500 000 million don't want you to have your own equal human rights, think that you are a sick person...you know, makes you feel really unwanted. I am over 19, and I still haven't seen a gay couple in my town...

    There's also another issue (no politics here) and it's about the relationship. So, after my first coming out, I as curious as ever started goggling all the shit like a freak, first I was making a HUGE research about the whole gay concept and I printed out like...over 100 pages of it. I know a lot about the homosexuality topic beginning from the history to the ethical and scientific/medical part. Later I found a site where all LGTB people from my country can chat and also has a similar forum like this one. (it counts about 30,000 members)
    So...I started chatting, and one thing started be a major issue. Whenever I started to chat with someone, eventually they would ask me for my Skype and want sex. Asking for my dick size, pictures etc. And not a few days later, people would start chatting with me totally random and also, wanting the same thing. Some guy actually invited me to his bbq which was like, 500 km from my place. Actually, asking me without even saying hi.
    This was a shock to me. I started asking myself, is this what being gay is all about? Is this who I have to be, or maybe I am not gay because I don't want online sex or one night stand? Why can't I find someone who just wants a normal relationship where you have to at first, talk a lot, go out for a coffee, to the movies, and after some time, start per se, an actual relationship where you hug each other, kiss, sleep together and of course, get to the damn pleasuring part?

    Okay, this is the background, now the first, but semantic last part, my parents.
    I can't see how can I tell my parents about my self. I find it very very risky. First, my father. He is a democratic, right winged Christian conservative and also, a war veteran.
    Since he was in war, of curse, ptsd is without a doubt an issue. And it's impossible to argue with him because he must be always right. If you disagree with him, he will start to yell pretty loud and he's nerves and venues would become all big and pulsed and he looks like he would kill you if you don't agree with him. One of the reasons why I avoid talking to him at all.
    My mother on the other hand...she is not that conservative but she is under a lot of stress. One reason is my father of course, and the other is the financial situation in our home and in the whole country. While my father is retired, my mother has to work her ass off to make things as stable as they can be. I have 2 younger sisters and including my self, thats 5 family members you have to take care of. And with the country going downhill, things are pretty fu**ed up here.
    I am not doing well in college. I wanted to enroll in one where I would expand my programing and software developing skills but since the ones that offer that cost, I had to enroll in the one which is payed by the government education. And I am not learning anything. What you pay is what you get, one life lesson which will haunt me forever.
    Last month I got fired at a multiplex I used to work as a part time job I had to do since we, like I said, are having a lot of financial issues. I am also a smoker, and a pretty hard one actually, almost a pack-per day. So loosing my job means loosing my money which means buying even less than I had to and well...summarizing all of this...I feel pretty fuc*ed up!

    Sorry for the long drama, but this is the minimum I can write.

    So...um...help?:icon_sad:
     
    #1 Electron93, Jun 3, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2013
  2. Electron93

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  3. mattjm

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    I'm pretty new at this too and younger than you so I might not have the best advice but with the current situation with the stress your mom is having and how you said your dad seems to have to always be right I wouldn't come out to them yet till your moms stress isn't so high then have her help you with your dad hope that helps
     
  4. AKTodd

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    Hi there,

    I'm very sorry things are so rough for you (*hug*)

    Gonna address various things here:

    First, it honestly sounds to me like you should consider trying to get out of Croatia and to somewhere that is both in better shape economically and more gay friendly. Not sure about the first, but the second sounds like it could be met by going almost anywhere else in Europe or the Americas. Is there any way you could move? Perhaps get a job in a more gay friendly country and send money back to your family? Not sure how that would impact your schooling, but it might be worth it to take a break from school if it means you can get into a better place financially and in your personal life.

    Second, regarding guys wanting to see pictures of you and trying to have sex with you and such. The fact of the matter is that this is a part of the gay world. A large chunk of the gay male population (and the straight male population for that matter) is just looking for sex. The good news is that there is a lot more to gay life than just those guys. Perhaps you could get involved with some group that does things you are interested in, or a support center or the like. You might do this either after moving or even before since presumably someone organized the pride parade that you mentioned, even if it didn't go well. This tells me that there are gay people in your country, if only you can find them.

    Third, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with the smoking, but it really is healthier to not do it. Not much fun now, I'm sure.

    Welcome to EC and hope the above helps at least a bit.

    Take care,

    Todd :smilewave
     
  5. Electron93

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    Thanks for the reply :slight_smile:

    hmm...well, my vision of moving out has been inside my head for over 4 years now. And I am not that picky about it too. US, Canada, Swiss, Germany, Austria....all of these country's qualify my most important needs. Just a small problem, if I want to move to the West, getting a green card or the working visa is almost impossible since a lot of other young people want to run away from here due to the huge financial collapse. I could try asking for the Right of asylum...dunno

    Just to note one fact, this year over 30,000 people applied for visa in the Canadian Embassy, but their stated quote is 300 work visa's per year.

    Since the EU, moving to EU country's is not a big problem. But...English is the only language I both speak and write at a decent level. I used to learn German but stopped a long time ago...and...I don't know...it ain't easy thats for sure. I am very versatile. I started programming when I was 5th grade elementary. Two years later I became a Volunteering fireman and last year graduated to a professional one. I made a few software based applications which were nominated a couple of times on the state finals. Last year I made a radiation detector which was considered an innovation and after enrolling it for the competition, I have won 5 gold medals in the state finals and a silver medal on the international innovation fair iENA 2012 which was held in Nurnberg, Germany.
    A few news columns were written on my behalf and I have also had few interviews on our local radio station.
    I used to play the piano, now I am moving on the tenor sax. My knowledge in musical theory is also very versatile.
    As I always needed money I started with the part time jobs pretty early. My first pt job, was working as a waiter during the summer holidays. Last year I worked in telemarketing and quit quite fast (I can't think of a worse job than this)
    After that, I started working in the multiplex as the Box office/concession manager, which was...well, my salary was as low as the local law allows, but still, I was making some side money to keep me going. Then 3 weeks ago I got fired due to the corruption in the higher administration (also, nothing new in this country)
    And last but not least, my colleague and me formed a political party with the assistance from other towns in Croatia with the formation of the same name and the main point of view. (politics in Croatia are a bit different than most other country's) My current position in the party is the head secretary for my local town.

    I love helping people, I always consider my actions and I will always do everything to save people who I love even if it means putting my self at risk. One of the reasons I am fireman for more than 7 years. But all of this combinations of personal interests and achievements don't mean anything here. If you want a decent life here, you need to be somebody's son or cousin or anything related at all. Not to mention the discrimination based on sexual orientation and profiling people based on their political membership.

    hmm...guess I made a quick bio about my self here...hope no one minds, I like emphasizing all the details so everyone can get the picture.
     
  6. AKTodd

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    Leaving is certainly not going to be easy, but it honestly doesn't sound like staying is going to be any picnic either. Ultimately, you need to weigh all the pros and cons and decide what will work best for you. If English is your only non-native language perhaps focus on Great Britain? I don't know what is involved in this sort of thing, but it sounds like almost anywhere would be better than where you are.

    It sounds like it will take some time to do this no matter what, but even if it takes a while to set up, it will take even longer if you don't do anything.

    Todd
     
  7. Electron93

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    yeah...well, I'll see what comes in the future. In the mean time, staying incognito and trying to avoid too much disclosure. And hoping to get a new job any time soon :rolle:

    Thanks for the support Todd, if I ever get out or become successful enough, I'll buy you a drink :thumbsup: