So... Before I go into any of this, let me make it very clear that I am well aware that I lead an odd life. It just is what it is... I am married. To a guy... He wasn't a guy when we were married, he was transitioning to female. I got married WAY too fast and without really knowing what I was getting myself into. Things have definitely changed. Really, I feel like I married a 15 year old boy. When we were married things were OK. We both had good jobs and things seemed to be on the level. Yeah he was weird but so am I in a lot of ways. So FF a few years and we both became unemployed. He went back to school and I worked some crappy jobs before finally landing a good one in my field again just recently. In between all that, he de-transitioned, he says, for health reasons. Some of it may have been that but really, looking at it now I see the whole "I'm a woman" thing as a big charade. I have no clue what he was running from but I know it's big. He won't talk about that stuff. He has an addictive personality and has gotten addicted to video games and drinking. The alcohol is a huge problem and he gets really shitty with me when he is drunk, which is pretty much every day and has been for the last two years. We couldn't even go to Pride without him getting so drunk he was talking stupid. He thinks he's above therapy. He is smarter than any therapist or psychologist, according to him. I've been begging him to go get therapy and he won't. I see one regularly for my own sanity in dealing with this. Sexually we are totally incompatible. I have no interest in men sexually. I try but I just don't. He wants me to bang him like he's a girl in bed and I'm the man, which doesn't sit well with me at all. He cheated on me a couple of years ago with several people, which also happened to me in past relationships. I am not over that but I am expected to be. I have a strong personality but I am also the type of girl who needs affection, love and reassurance when I come home and let my hair down. I get none of that. No cards on Valentines Day, birthdays have been ignored, and everything is labeled as a "hallmark holiday". No romance at all. If I am feeling bad about myself and need a lift, I am told I am "fishing for compliments" which is grounds for divorce. Things have been a little better the last few weeks since it looked like I was getting a good job again and then finally landed it... But the drinking continues and nothing really changes except he's more careful about picking fights with me. I'm torn, because my self-esteem has been crushed so much I feel like I can't do any better, that anyone and everyone will always cheat on me... Friends are telling me to leave. My kids used to love him but they are saying they'd rather leave. Am I crazy for staying? I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? We have almost nothing in common but at the same time I almost feel sorry for him. I almost feel like I owe him. He helped me finance my surgery. He was there for me during some very low points of my life. >sigh< But I know that the way he treats me doesn't do anything for my well-being. I just don't know...
I don't think it's a good idea to continue with him ,u never know what will happen with a person who drinks . So I'd say leave him for ur own good
It sounds like there are multiple layers of issues. Even if he stopped drinking and paid more attention to you, it doesn't sound like it would fix enough to save the relationship. Sexual attraction has to be there and his unwillingness to see a therapist makes it difficult to resolve anything. I understand feeling guilty and like you owe it to someone to stay together, but you can't let that be what keeps you there. Be brave. It sounds like you'd be better off without him.
Sometimes even if we think the opposite,we must leave someone for our own good,so be brave and think of yourself for once
You need to get out of this relationship, and fast. The guy is so incredibly insecure he won't even acknowledge his insecurity, he's manipulating and taking advantage of you, and it sounds like he has a list of problems a million miles long. You deserve way better. His problems are his, not yours. You need to focus on you, and you can't do that if he remains in the picture. Nor should you be supporting him; he's got to take responsibility for himself. I think you'll find it a lot easier to build up your self-esteem once you're out of this relationship than if you try to do it while you're still in it. And the sooner you take that step, the better off you'll be, and the sooner you can work on your own self-esteem issues.
Thanks for the additional kick in the rear that I've needed to figure things out. Yesterday morning I saw my therapist and then spent the day with a good friend who knows the situation. The other night I also polled the kids on how they felt about it. The "vote" is unanimous. So I am looking for housing and in the meantime I'm going to see if he makes good on his promise that if I'm working full time again, he will take care of all the house cleaning and what-not. Which I know will never happen, so when the time comes, it shouldn't be a big surprise as to why I am going. All I will really have to do is point to a bunch of empty promises.
