This is the worst. The absolute worst. I'm so confused, and I don't have any clue what to do or what's the right thing to do. I feel so unlucky, and I thank in advance whoever takes the time to read this. It's very long, but I've just got to get it all down to get it out of my head and to see everything with my own eyes that's weighing on my mind. :tears: Just a few weeks ago I started to become good friends with a girl at my college who is a year older than me, who for reference I'll call "C." We were always in the same east asian studies class, but after I "officially" met her at the school festival was when we really became friends. We exchanged numbers and the very next day she texted me and invited me to study with her and her close friend "K." I had been at dinner with my sister after our martial arts lesson and I didn't see my sister again until dinner the next night--I was with C. The three of us (me, C, and K) had been studying a while and it was getting late, so C invited us to sleep over at her home; a house that she shares with about four other people just a few minutes off campus and across the train tracks. I had such a good time! It was a pleasure getting to meet everyone and have fun outside of class,I feel completely comfortable and confident with them, and I can be myself without feeling any pressure worrying about what they might think. It's really been such a relief, and I'm especially comfortable around C. That night, I thought to myself that for the first time I knew what valuable experiences I would gain living away from home. I just regret not getting to know them sooner in the year. The three of us all slept side by side on C's futon, and it's been so long since I've gotten to sleep next to someone so comfortably. In the morning K and I woke up to C making us tea and breakfast in bed, which was delicious!! We all walked to class together, and I even ended up skipping my other afternoon class that day so I could pick up the rest of my luggage and catch up on sleep. C told me a few days later that when she'd been home drinking some beer (yes, she has a taste for it though she's not an alcoholic and I don't care for drinking myself), all of a sudden she missed me and had thought that at the sleepover I fit into her side just perfectly, and she wanted to call me to come over so she could cuddle me again but chickened out. After that, C started inviting me to do almost everything with her--bowling, studying, and other little social events she puts together to see her friends. I've invited her to a few things too like going with me to the tea shop downtown and my martial arts lessons. It felt so good to have a friend who includes me and treats me like I feel a friend should, who's always happy to see me, and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I think C is absolutely wonderful. She's easily bored, but she can always find a way to entertain herself. She's a big asian culture nerd, but so am I and we can always find something to laugh about. She's not a supermodel, but I do think she can be very pretty. She can be silly and childish, but the things she thinks about are surprisingly deep and I've had some amazing philosophical discussions with her. She's not good at committing to anything, but she's very kind, tries her best, and treats everyone equally. That being said, it's also incredibly painful. After the first sleepover, the next time we were invited over to her house, it ended up being just C and me while her housemate walked K home. I had found out that C is the most touchy-feely person you could ever meet (and sometimes she harasses her housemate, sometimes sexual harassment, lol), so I'd been trying out more and more physical contact with her like giving her shoulder massages, running my hands up and down her arms, and running my fingers through her hair. At about one in the morning of writing papers, both our brains were fried and we decided to take a cuddle break. We had been playing music we like to let the other hear, and it was nice to have it playing in the background and singing along with her. C finished long before I did, so she'd been giving me a leg massage (I was wearing tights and it felt soooo good!). At one point I was just lying on top of her as we played with each other's hair. She had been running her hands along my arms, so I started rubbing her neck and then eventually her ear. It got a little nerve wracking because I've done this with my best friend and never really got a reaction out of her, but it was clear I was getting a reaction out of C. It was nice, but a little awkward and scary at the same time. The most that happened was that she started rubbing my upper thighs and I kept playing with her ear while she responded. Eventually she told me out right, "I'm not gonna lie, you kind of drive me crazy; I think you're starting to figure me out. I might have to flip onto my back, I'm having trouble controlling my urges." :icon_redf A few minutes later we stopped and she walked me back to my dorm, and we had a really interesting conversation about how we believe there's chi and energy in everything, regardless of religion. She told me about an experiment she's heard about where two water jars were labeled "I hate you" or "I love you." People would spend an hour around one of the jars, and when examined later, the particles under a microscope revealed that they were completely different, even different colors. "Energy definitely exists in this world. Absolutely." The last time I was over at C's house was Monday night so K and I could study with her for our final exam. At one point I came into C's room to hear her telling K about someone. I walked in and she explained what she was telling K--she has a marriage arrangement with a guy she met in China. :icon_sad: It's not surprising to me that she's dated a guy from China, she has been in several foreign countries, but this came as a bit of a shock and a big blow to me. I realized that I actually might have a crush on her, the first I've had since my best friend who's also a hopeless match for me. Over the course of the evening, I learned that this boy is crazy about C and has every intention of marrying her. He loves her, and is willing to wait ten years for her to get married. She apparently doesn't love him, but she does think it's a good match. He even supports her wish of wanting to adopt a Haiti baby (though I also want to adopt later in life). He doesn't mind that she can't commit to him because she says "Not for now, but I'll want you in ten years." His friends keep telling him to break up, that she doesn't love him anymore, but he'll have none of it. After K was walked home and her housemate went to the library (we steal his room because it's more suitable for studying), I was feeling very drained after this discovery. I flopped down on the bed and a moment later C came in and repositioned me so my head was in her lap. She started playing calming music again and started stroking my hair, asking if I was tired. I just shook my head and didn't say anything. After a few minutes passes, I rubbed my eyes and she realized I was crying. I wouldn't tell her what was wrong at first, but she was very kind. C told me, "You know if you ever needed anything, I would give it to you..." She just stroked my face and waited until I finally spoke up: "I'm very happy, but at the same time very sad." She was glad I was partly happy, and kissed the top of my head whispering, "Let the happiness replace the sadness." She got a bit carried away again, clutching me to her and looking like she was trying hard not to molest me or start kissing me. She told me very slowly, as though she was picking her words carefully, "I won't initiate anything...but if you wanted to start something, I'd be sure to finish it..." It was a very painful kind of happiness, as I'm sure many LGBT people can understand. I found out that she's transgender and feels positive that she should have been born as a male. She even looked into the surgery, but seeing as she would never truly be male, she figured a long time ago to just deal with what she's stuck with. She used to be "a bit of a slut" because of this, and gave up on finding love. I mentioned that it was too hard sometimes for me to end up liking people who would never love me the most. She used to think like that too, and agreed that being gay sucks and can be the hardest thing to deal with sometimes. She's finding more and more that her liking guys is just an act, but it's better to just find someone you enjoy the company of and can make you feel satisfied just being with them because love is very selfish. Then she mentioned that she would still like to see me over the summer because she enjoys my company, if I wasn't too weirded out or depressed by what she'd been saying. I hadn't been planning on it, but I ended up sleeping over again with C on her futon, just the two of us. I had to stay up a little longer doing homework, but she just wrapped her arms around my waist and started drifting off to sleep until I was done. Thanks to my crying, I got hardly any sleep because of a splitting headache. But C spooned and held me all night long, and in the morning she got a bit intense and had me pressed up between her legs. She made me tea later and I got to sit on her lap as we studied some more, but now I feel an ache instead of just being able to enjoy her company. It's just so unfair. I just met her this year and I finally was able to become such a close friend, but I've already had to give up. I've already lost to someone I don't even know who's male and living in a foreign country, who she doesn't even love and has a seemingly pointless promise that isn't even good until ten years from now. I finally, finally found another girl who seems to be attracted to me and I'm attracted to her, but there's already no chance for me. I feel hopeless. I feel angry and disappointed. I feel frustrated, and a bit in the depths of despair. I know ten years is a long time, and one's mind and heart can change in that time, but I don't see any point in pursuing her further. I just got to know her, but any sensible person would say now it's time to move on again and keep looking. But I don't want that. I think she's a very valuable, irreplaceable friend who finally made me feel wanted and appreciated and understood, like I'd found my reason for coming to this town in the first place. And it sounds like she doesn't want me to go away, either. I don't know what to do, someone please help guide me!! :help:
I think this should be up to C, if C has commitment issues. Really, this is such an erotic friendship, it sounds, so... It can be difficult. It sounds like C has already opened up to you quite a bit. I'd tell you that not all hope is lost for anything to happen between you two, but that this should be dealt with carefully. It's up to C if they want anything to happen... One potential issue would be that C somewhat identifies as a guy, it sounds. I suppose you're both young, though, and this goes for the marriage promise, too. 10 years is a lot. For now, it may be best to just stay as C's friend... C has to definitively decide whether they want to marry this guy sometime way down the future, or go date other people, and that's a decision only C can make. You, of course, can support C in this. I hope this all goes well for you. If this does not go as you wish it does... there are other opportunities out there, and don't doubt that. Cheers =)
Thank you very much! This makes me feel a lot better. I know it wasn't in the first place, but I was kind of feeling like liking this girl was "my fault" and I needed to figure out a way to "fix" that all by myself because if I can't change the situation, the only thing I can change is myself. Just hearing that it's not just my responsibility is a little less nerve-wracking.
I'm feeling really shitty and hopeless right now. I don't think there's even the slightest chance for me, but I don't want to abandon the friendship either. She put up a Facebook status (I think it should be okay because it lacks names or anything like that that could be an invasion of privacy): What do you do when a man says he'll get in shape for you? What do you do when a man tells you he was on the wrong path- but the thought of you redirected him? What do you do when a man quits something, because he wanted to spend more time learning English so he can speak to you? What do you do when a man gets asked out by a beautiful girl who is in his country, available to him, and he turns her down, tells her the love story of how he won't always be with you, he won't always know when he'll see you? What do you do when that girl calls him a crazy man, and he responds "I know"? What do you do when everything you have always wanted is right in front of you? You feel shit guilty for having given up on ever finding him. It's pretty obvious it's talking about her Chinese guy, and she's starting to see how serious he is about her. Plus, now her status is "In a Relationship" despite her lack of commitment, and I'm pretty sure it said "Single" before. But how the hell am I supposed to be "just friends" when she basically invites me to make sexual advances and she won't turn me away? Plus she's so touchy-feely anyway...:help: Sorry, EC, my love life is a mess!! :eusa_doh:
