In love with my straight best friend

Thanks for reading. Any advice will help. I am 24yrs old closeted. My friend and I met sophomore year of HS. We both played soccer. I didn't like him at first. I didn't even find him attractive. It all started about two years ago. We started getting really closed. I would always help him with whatever he needed. New year of 2012 I was drunk and I confessed my love to him via text. He didn't reply and when he did he acted as nothing was said. Times goes by and my feelings just start getting worse. I now love this kid. Ill do anything for him. I pay his phone bill I buy him clothes etc. Recently our friendship has changed. About two months ago I realized that he is addicted to painkillers "roxies" and I confronted him about it. He said that he would stop but he didn't. We argue so much day and night we tell each other that we hate each other then we start talking again. We started texting day and night. We would both send good morning/good night texts messages. And we would text a lot through out the day. I would also give him money for weed. He would tell me that I was the best, that I am a sweet heart. Keep in mind that he is still a virgin. There was this night when we were at a party and this girl literally wanted to have sex with him and he ran away. She literally told him "I want you to fuck me" in front of everyone and he hid himself. Also, since I stopped giving him money for weed I told him that I would pay him if he would send me nude pics of him which he ended up doing. I feel like he might be gay or at least curious since he doesn't ever talk about girls nor has he had a real GF. There were times were he would tell me that I knew s the right words to make him happy. A few days ago I went for it. I told him to be my life partner without having sex. I told him that if he gives me a chance I can make him happy. I said we don't have to label ourselves anything as long as we are both happy. He was hesitant and he said that he wasn't gay. I told him to forget about the labels and to give me a chance which he agreed to be my official partner and used and however we got into a huge fight today and now we both hate each other. He said he was only using me for the money and that he is not gay. We both said some pretty horrible things to each other and I really don't think that things will ever be the same. I feel like he might be gay or curious and is trying to distance himself from me. All of this is killing me. I can't sleep and I am loosing my appetite. He is my best friend and knows me like no else does. Should I walk away and give him space? I also feel that he might be afraid of being gay. He feels really comfortable with me and I know him like no one else does. Also after he started distancing himself he told me he had a GF but didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. I know it's a lie. He also said that he has sex with her but I feel like he is telling this so that I don't think he likes me or is gay. He is always smoking and doing pills do I know for a fact that he ever goes out with girls. My life is amazing is just this that is killing me. Thanks for reading

 

@luthan thank you for replying. I kind of had figured that already I guess I was just too stupid to see it. One thing I forgot to mention was that one night we had a deep conversation till 4am. He confessed that I was an amazing person that he would love for us to move in together so we can talk like that all night. He even asked me to be his "gf" in a non gay way. I don't think any straight guy would ask a gay person that. Or maybe I am just reading to much into it

 

We haven't talked in two days. I feel like part of it is my fault, however I feel like him and I have overcome so many things before that we can both move on and start fresh. Right now I feel used, let down, sad, mad, angry and I really just want to forget about him completely. He blocked me so I don't call or text him. I have done so much for this kid (not that I expect anything in return) but just friendship, loyalty and a little bit of gratitude. We went from talking everyday to not talking at all. I miss him texting me good morning and good night text messages. Literally, whatever this kid wanted I would do for him. He meant/means so much too me. I feel stupid even writing this. I guess its a way for me to vent. I know he is still doing pills and smoking a lot of weed which concerns me but I the same time I no longer want to worry or care about him. He really is an amazing person. I don't know if its the pills that he is taking and maybe that's the reason he is acting the way he is or if its him. I really do miss him though. I just want this pain to go away. I just want to focus on myself and forget about him, our random conversations and all of the good memories we had together. I guess its hard for me to let go of the memories.

 

Status update. Him and I have t really talked much. And the few times that we've text were really bad. He wished death upon me, he said he didn't care about me and that he was using me all of this time. It was really bad. It got to the point that we were literally going to fight. He said that he was going to send me to the hospital etc. I tried reaching out to him a few days back and at first everything was great, but them things just ended up bad. We started hating each other cussing each other out etc. now I feel like he has this guard up against me. He doesn't want to be my best friend but rather my good friend. He thinks that if we call each other best friends that it is gay. We text today and we clarify everything. But we are no longer friends. He thinks that being gay is not normal and that got me upset. He also that me that he has a phobia towards gay people thanks to me. He also said that because I think he is gay that makes him feel awkward. I still think he may be gay and is afraid of admitting it. He is still doing pills and smoking weed. It hurst to see someone I care for go the wrong path. But I've realized that there is nothing that I can do for him. He can only help himself. I've tried and I've did everything you could think of to get him off pills. I lost my appetite Andover weight all because of him. I am now doing much better today. I can't say that I don't miss him, but I am starting to miss him less. Although he has done and said everything for me to hate him, I simply can't. I will always be here for him. I just can't believe that the one person I trusted the most would end up hurting this bad. I've learn that I only have myself and this did teach me a lesson. And not that any of you care but I am even considering on telling my family that I am gay. It'll make me feel better. Thanks for reading

 

Thank you guys for your feedback. This situation is very difficult as it is very hard for me to let go of all of our memories from since we first met. I mean we had some really good times together. We both played soccer and partied together. I've realized that he was just using me for the money and I fell for it. But when you love someone you don't realize it. One thing I forgot to mention was that I ended up breaking his phone in front of him. The phone that I was paying for. I still think that he is a great guy things just got out of hand for both of us and I take blame for my mistakes. I should had never offered him money for naked pics. I also think that he is only acting the way he is because of the pills that he is taking. They are highly addictive and he can't get off them. Last time we talked he told me that he had stopped taking them. I them manipulated and he told me that he is not ready to stop taking them. Ever since he started taking those pills he has changed so much. I saw him yesterday as him and some of our friends were hanging out and we didn't even look at each other. It just felt so weird. And just so you guys know I am learning to move on I think of him less. I even blocked him so I don't call or text him and vice versa. I am now doing much better. To anyone going through the same situation I can honestly tell you that it sucks. But just be strong and keep yourself busy things will get better. "I can't wait for the day that I look at him and fe absolutely nothing."

 

Update. We talked over the weekend. Well I actually text him since I had a dream about him and I wanted to make sure that he was ok. It's weird usually when I dream about him he is going through something. I am trying really hard to forget about him but at times I just can't help but think about him. We briefly talked for a while he than stopped replying back to me. Te next day he text me saying he didn't want to be my best friend because it causes a lot of drama and he doesn't know how I feel towards. I told him that I no longer care for him. Which is a lie. He also said that he didn't want me to get into his personal life. Meaning I can't tell him to stop taking pills. He has changed a lot since he started taking roxies. He has no control over them now. He can't stop taking them. Which kills me because I don't want him to overdose or for something bad to happen to him. He is also hanging out with people that do them. I know I don't have the power to stop him from doing it. Right now I feel like texting him but I am not going to do it. I have to be strong and just hope that for one he really does stop taking those pills. Thank you guys for reading.
Reasons why I think he might be gay
He asked me out to be his GF once
When I asked him to be my partner he agreed
He would tell me I was the best
And that I was the best VFG volunteered GF
When I would drop him off he would text me good night and he would tell me that he had a blast
He said that I knew how to make him happy
He would text me good morning everyday

 

We talked today and things are better now. I told him that if he would stop taking pills I would buy him a recording studio. He wants to do music. At this point ill do anything for him to stop taking pills. After a long talk he apologized for everything that he has out me through and for using me in a way. I will try to put all of my feelings to aside just for him to get clean. Although I am a bit hesitant about whether or not he is ready to quit. I truly hope he does. My feelings are still there for him and I just hope that one day they'll go away. I've never liked anyone else as much as I love him. Right now I should be happy that we are friends again but I still feel empty inside. I just hope I don't get depress again. I mean this time I just want him to get clean and if we don't talk after ill be ok with that. I guess when you love someone like I love him you want them to be happy, you want what is best for them, you'll do absolutely anything and everything for them. Idk if I am doing the right thing by talking to him again.

 

So we've been talking this whole week and everything seemed fine. He told me he wanted me to help him get clean and I told him I would. We were originally suppose to get a room for a few days do he can detox. I honestly thought he wanted to get clean. He also promised me and asked me to believe and I did. Of course there was always that doubt. The doubt that turned out to be right. Today I realized that he never stopped taking them but I did t get mad at him. It seems that I am so stupid after he has lied to me a million times I always fall for his lies. I said this before but I am done with him. I haven't been able to focus on me much since all of this stresses me out. I still like him that has not changed. He also told me that he is still a virgin and that he lied to me when he told me he wasn't. I got a bit excited when he told me this but I didn't want to start liking him even more therefore I acted as I didn't care. I am changing my phone number tomorrow without telling him. Only time will tell if we talk again. As of fight now I don't care for him as he has lied to me so many times. Thanks for reading all of this mess I am now really trying to focus on me on things that make me happy.

 

Thank you for your advice. I am sorry for what between your friend and you. I just hope that the same thing does not happen with my friend. I know how addicting the drug he is taking is. I do love him i cannot lie about that, but i would honestly do anything for him to get clean to stay off those pills. which from what i read they are similar to heroin. Even if him and i stop talking i just want him to get clean. He lied to me so many times and i am still there like an idiot hoping that for one day he realizes what he is doing to his body. I am trying to keep myself busy but it is hard to not think about him. I am also afraid that one day ill get a call saying that something bad happen to him. His addiction is really bad. Yesterday when i approached him about him lying to me he didn't even reply to me. Idk what is going through his head. I just want this pain and sadness that i am feeling to go away. It has been more than a year now that I haven't been myself all because of him. Although i do not blame him, i blame myself for letting it this far. He really is an amazing guy and i wish nothing but the best for him. I've made a lot of mistakes by giving him everything he wanted. I realized that when i use to give him money, i was not helping him. I was only making his addiction worse. I did learn something though. In general i am just a giving person. I realized that i am giving to the wrong people. and that the best way to help others is by doing nothing for them. They can only help themselves. As of today, i decided that i need to change my life, the way i see and feel about him. I need to stop worrying about him. I am strong, but sometimes you just want someone to hold you and to tell you that everything is going to be ok. thanks for reading again. Any advice or suggesting will help.

---------- Post added 5th Aug 2013 at 12:27 PM ----------

whyohwhy, i can related to your pain, to the way you are feeling. I feel used, lied to and all because of a pill a drug. I feel anger, hate, sick, you name it that is how i feel. I find it hard to believe that a pill has more power than me. I also find it hard to believe that people would act in such way, careless about peoples emotions. Im just an emotional wreck right now.

 

I have not talked to him in about two weeks. Unlike before, I don't even care to talk to him. I still think about him and hope that he is doing well. At times I wonder if he misses? The attention that I use to give him? Either way I am finally getting over him.