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How can I help my parents get over their guilt?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rice and Pepper, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. Rice and Pepper

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    When I was 14, I used to watch gay porn (I do that now too, but that's not the point). Back then I hadn't come out to my parents. I hadn't even realized that I was gay. Because I was aware that accidents happen and that my parents may find that out, I would always delete my browser's history. However, I once forgot to. As a result, my dad opened the history tab and found the gay porn site I had visited (he didn't search on purpose, he always uses the history tab to find the sites he wants to visit again). He called me and asked me if I knew how this had appeared in my browser's history and I answered him that it is probably some kind of virus. He didn't answer, and the issue hadn't been mentioned thereafter. That is, not until yesterday.

    I was talking to my mom about an incident that happenned in my city. A girl found a grownup through facebook and decided to meet him, so she left her home without telling anyone. So we were discussing whether it is safe for kids to use the internet and how could parents monitor them. I was telling her that if the bonds between the parents and the kid are firm and strong, that will never happen. And then she mentioned what happenned back then.

    Anyway, to make the story a bit shorter, she told me that they both thought it was their fault I turned out to be gay. That they didn't handle properly the porn issue. She said they thought that watching gay porn gave me false stimuli, and because I kept on watching porn (I told them that after I came out to them, 6 months ago), I got confused, I got used to watching gay sex and thus considered myself gay, because that seemed to me more natural.

    I explained her that that is 100% wrong, and that looking back now I can pretty much tell that watching gay porn from 14 was an immature manifestation of my homosexuality and not the cause of my homosexuality. She accepted that fairly quickly and in fact she seemed relieved. I've had several talks with my parents since I came out, and they have come to terms with me being gay. At first, they thought it was more of a psychological thing. That I didn't socialize much and it affected me in that manner. This last talk seems to have ended this chapter once and for all.

    So, everything turned out well. I feel so much closer to both my parents. But I also feel sorry for them. They thought they had done something terribly wrong. That I would have to live as a member of a minority in a hostile social environment because they had failed as parents. I told my mom that they thought wrong, but I feel it is not enough.

    So, what should I do to make them realize they are the greatest parents in the world? That they have no reasons at all to feel guilty? Do you have any suggestions? I could really use your help. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Dakine

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    In my opinion, time and just showing them you love them.
     
  3. Hefiel

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    If there's one in your area, try to bring your parents to a PFLAG (or similar organizations) meeting or event. Perhaps meeting other parents will help them see another side.
     
  4. Chip

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    PFLAG is a great idea. They'll get the chance to talk to lots of other parents like themselves, and if they hear it validated from everyone that no, your watching gay porn didn't make you gay... I think that will help.

    Showing them the post you wrote above would also send a really powerful message... because you're writing it for a support community you're part of, and not for them, I think it will mean more to them.
     
  5. Rice and Pepper

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    There is no such thing in my country. In general, there is nothing similar here. At least nothing I have heard of.

    I was thinking of something simple, like a movie maybe? A cheerful movie about homosexuality.
     
  6. LD579

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  7. Rice and Pepper

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    Yes, I searched before posting. The link you provided is about the USA. I searched for Europe, I googled too, but there is nothing in my country. Things here aren't as advanced as in the US. :/
    I will search a bit more, but chances are I won't find anything special.
     
  8. LD579

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    Er, there are things on that site which are still quite helpful. For example...

    "Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) About LGBT People: Want to learn the basics? Here’s where to start."

    "Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People. One of our most popular publications, this is a "must read" for parents who are forming new and honest relationships with a loved one who has come out to them. This booklet answers several commonly-asked questions about having a gay child. It includes a list of related resources."

    Here are stories... Here are frequently asked questions about LGBT+ people, with answers.
     
  9. Rice and Pepper

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    Sorry. I was in a hurry.
    Those seem quite helpful. Thank you!
    Is there anything similar that I can find online?
     
  10. LD579

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    I'm sure there are. Google some things. I'm busy right now, but perhaps between you, me, and others, along with some time, some more resources can be dug up.