My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and I'm starting to suspect that he may be gay. The other night I had decided to go to bed before my boyfriend, so the following morning I had went onto the computer and looked into the history, that's when I saw that there was 3 gay website's that he had gone onto. not only did he go onto them, the history showed that he went into Google and typed in "best gay porn". He always deletes his history but I think after he finished pleasuring himself to these websites that he forgot to erase them all. This is the 3rd time that I have found something like this. The first time it was on his computer, and in the Google search drop down box. The reasons why I believe he could be gay, is because he never initiates sex, I mean he never ever does. He rarely tries to kiss me or get close to me. He never compliments me. When he does kiss me there's no passion. I've found gay porn 3 times over 2 years. He checks out other men. Compliments other men. I don't know what to do, I've Googled this to see if it's happened to others girls, I've Googled it to see if straight men enjoy looking at gay porn, like some woman enjoy looking at lesbian porn. But I am so lost and so confused. I feel like my head is telling me that he is gay, but my heart is trying to deny it. I am an attractive 29 year old female and he is 25 year old male, what's suppose to be his prime of wanting to have sex, but he never tries. My ego is taking a beating, and I don't know how to make the first step of talking about this to him. How do I begin to end this relationship. We live together, our lease is up in December, But i can't be with someone who makes me so unhappy. What do I do..how do I ask him if he's gay. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Looking at gay porn once in a while isn't an indicator in itself, but the fact that your sex life with him is lacking passion from his side combined with the search histories...it probably means that he is gay. He may not know it for sure yet, or he may be scared to come out or to leave you. It's up to you to take charge of your life, but you also have to be sensitive to him. This is a very important step in building your relationship with him and with all people, really. Here's my advice... DON'T: Confront him angrily or aggressively. No "Gotcha!" moments or anything like that. If he's unsure of himself, this will only push him further into the closet. DO: Confront him, tactfully and gently. When he comes home from school or work, or whenever a good time is, tell him you need to talk about something important. Sit down with him and say something like "Before I talk about what I'm about to talk about, is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?" I doubt he'll come out right then, so he'll probably say there's nothing he needs to say. Then tell him very gently that you were on the computer(s) and you saw some interesting search histories from when he was online. Pause and let him say something/nothing. If needed, go for it and say that the histories were for gay porn. Let him explain if he wants. Then talk about how you're not satisfied with the romance/sex/etc., but that you'd be supportive of him no matter what (if you would be). It sounds like you aren't satisfied with the relationship whether or not he is gay. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy, but also to try to help him out. And yes, supposedly "straight" guys do things like this to their girlfriends. I have been propositioned online by straight guys, and when I facebook stalk them, I see they have girlfriends still. Don't worry, as hot as it might be to hook up with a "straight" guy, once I found out someone was still in a relationship with a girl, I always told them no. I also told them why, and that they should break up with her instead of cheating on her with guys. You don't want to be that girl! But still, be helpful and nice to your (probably) closeted boyfriend. That's my two cents, in paragraph-format. =)
Don't tell him that you have snooped on his history and his computer, that will make you sound like a stalker, and that you don't trust him. You should bring up that you don't think that your sex life has been very good lately and you're wondering why. You also should mention rather subtly that you have seen him complimenting other guys. Is it him being nice, or is it an attraction? What if he is gay? Maybe if he is, then you should just let him do his own thing. If he isn't, then he might just not be as interested in you. Hopefully he isn't gay for your own sanity. If he is, then you can support him with his coming out process and hope that he finds someone - he could be bisexual also.
I think it's highly likely he's gay. The problem is... he may not even have accepted that yet. So how you approach it is really delicate. What your goal is will have some impact on how you approach it. It seems clear that the two of you aren't destined to be together in the long term (except as friends) and so it basically boils down to how long you're going to stay in a relationship with someone that can't love you back the way you love them, and the way you deserve to be loved. So one of the problems is that if you wait for him to come out... it could be months, or it could be years or even decades (read our "later in life" section to get an idea of the stories of others in that situation.) And, that being the case, you will need to either sit back and wait, or be proactive and force the issue yourself. If he isn't yet sure himself, then confronting him, even gently, won't do any good, because he isn't ready, and forcing the issue won't have the desired effect (again, read our "later in life" section for examples of guys whose wives confronted them over and over, and they denied it.) So if you are pretty confident, you can try the gentle approach, and if it gets you nowhere, you may need to be prepared to directly force the issue and acknowledge how you know what you know. It will undoubtedly make him angry momentarily. But it's also sort of like ripping a scab off... it is intensely painful for a second or two, and then it's not. Once you both acknowledge the elephant in the room (assuming he's not still in denial) you can then intelligently talk about what to do. He may be scared to death of hurting you... that's a common theme for closeted gay men in relationships. So if you can address the issue that you are OK, you'll be OK, and you'll get past this, he may feel less guilty and more willing to own up. Also, for one or both of you, there are the 5 stages of loss that come into play, denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. These apply to losing a relationship, or in his case, losing his identity as a straight guy. So the emotions that come with the stages play out as well. The bottom line is, assuming he is gay, which seems pretty likely, you need and deserve to end this relationship (perhaps keeping it as a deep friendship, which often happens with gay men and their ex-girlfriends) and find one that will be healthy and fulfilling for you. And he deserves the same. The sooner that issue comes to the forefront, the sooner each of you can move on with your lives, and, while it's painful in the moment, it is *much* better for both of you in the long run.
The complimenting other men isn't as problematic, at least nowadays, as is checking out other men, sex and kissing without passion, and mostly, the gay porn on his computer. You will probably get hurt in a situation like this. Tread cautiously and protect yourself, both physically and emotionally.
If the sex is truly a bit lackluster, that could be a good site of first communication. Also, to me it sounds like he is sexually attracted to guys. Maybe also women to some degree. He may not even be entirely sure of his sexuality yet. This is why trying to force anything out of him will not work unless he is ready to tell you. Otherwise he will just deny everything and make up excuses as needed. Some may be pretty good ones too. Good luck and let us know how this unfolds. Also, Chip gave great advice. Listen to him.
You could go by one or more advices given above, and also have you considered the possibility of him being a heteroromantic homosexual or biromantic homosexual?
