Ok, so my relationship with my brother over the past 2 years have been practically non-existant. He's still in college, I'm 16. So I recently found out that my parents are moving me to Bahrain next year, I managed to arrange a schedule so I could meet up with my boyfriend. I'm even taking the school trip back home next year so I could have more time with him. So far so good. However I found out today my brother's moving back since he's transferring to another college very close to where we're to finish the year. How should I explain this...For the past 2 years I pretended he never existed and avoided speaking to him every single time he went to visit. So basically 2 years ago he told my relatively-orthodox parents I'm gay and practically ruined my life. There was this whole issue that took me months to sort out. However eventually things were almost stable again. I never really forgave him for that and haven't spoken to him since then. Mainly because he also caused trouble to my ex-boyfriend for what he did and we eventually split up. He outed me just to get even and apparently 'doesn't regret a thing' Normally I wouldn't be bother by this as much as I am, but unlike the rest of my family he's a little different. I have various conflicting emotions towards him. I really really despise the way he treated me ever since I was born, I remember occasional beatings, insults, humiliation and a lot more. He was always my parents' favourite since he's pretty sharp apparently, even though he's a giant jackass which they ignored for some odd reason. However..I always admired him, I can't explain it very well, but I feel sort of attached to him, I always took him as a role-model in his seemingly perfectionist attitude towards everything he ever does, he was my yard-stick. It always helped me overlook some of things he did. He may have outed me to my parents but he was the one who used to calm me down after scary movies as a kid, and he did teach me how to ride a bike. It feels primitive to hold on to such things, but I really can't help feeling like this. However, I can't exactly overlook the things he did and how he treated me. I tried as best as possible to avoid even mentioning him for 2 whole years. I sort of feel slightly guilty for it. Should I really rationalise everything based on how he benefited me? Shouldn't brothers have this 'bond' that goes beyond simple you be nice to me i be nice to you? The point is, he's moving in, and I'm going to have to deal with him whether I like it or not. So what do I do? Do I ignore him? Be nice to him? I don't know if I'll be able to just forget what he did, but he's my sibling, and we did share a lot of nice moments, but even if I do manage to get past my ego is there any way he'd actually talk to me again? I don't think I could handle him being an ass along my jumbled up life. My parents couldn't care less about my situation since I'm the odd one in the family, so I'm unable to seek help from my parents as so many guides have previously said. I really could use some advice. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading this really long post.
I'm the exact same with my Brother! He's at University (College for you, I think?) and he still lives with us. I haven't spoken to him for 3 years I think and we hate each other. Like you said, I also find it primitive to hold on to things he has done for me in the past like stick up for me against school bullies, helping me ride a bike, always playing with me when I was bored, being a good big brother. But Now? He has no qualities which show that he even wants to kick start a brotherly relationship with me, he has embarrassed me in front of my extended family by insulting me and they would always laugh. My parent's adore him and he's like a Prince to them, they always follow him like a dog because of his academic achievements and also because ever since he lost weight, he looks fit according to my friends. Just yesterday, he told me to get out of his car (indirectly) - my Mum is on holiday so he takes me to go get the groceries and then back home. Anyways, his girlfriend called him and wanted a ride so he told me without speaking to me to get out (via text) and I didn't have a bus pass or anything and it was a 7 mile walk, he got out his car and dragged me outside and placed me on the floor. He texted me 'walk home like the dog you are'. Honestly, why would I want a relationship with such a vile "brother"? I suggest you keep at it because you don't want to forgive him and then be disappointed. Yesterday, I made an oath to never ever have a brotherly relationship with him again and if your brother is the same then why don't you do what I do. It may be depressing and I'm the odd one out but at least my life will be much more healthier without having to go through the stress of having an up-down relationship with my brother.
That sounds terrible, I'm sorry your brother did that. But the thing is, I gave up on having any form of relationship with my parents since I was 7 and I've been pretty OK with that relatively speaking, sure I had my emotional fits whenever they would shun me in my time of need but I eventually managed to just completely block them out and avoid any interaction unless they interact with me first. I've managed to get along perfectly fine so far. But he's different. I don't feel right like this. I felt bad enough shunning him. I never have been one to hold a grudge, but I do very well remember beatings and humiliation , but nevertheless, I just feel as if I still have some bond with him. Do you have any clue what this emotion could mean? I really really do hate what he did. He made me miserable for a very long time and since I am very very sensitive to people touching me the beatings he used to give me during his 'teenager' years hurt more than they should. But nevertheless, I feel as if I'm not doing him justice if I just block out good things. I mean, a counterargument could be made that it's primitive to hold on to the bad stuff he did. I think I have it in me to forgive him for everything he did, he's not THAT bad a person. However, the one thing I still really have trouble with is how he outed me to my parents. I knew he sort of didn't enjoy being around me, even though I personally enjoyed his company, however I never thought such a betrayl of trust was possible. It was a real big shock to me to find out he did and just did it to 'get even' with me during a fight we had. I really don't think I can even bring myself to talk to him knowing he did that. But I still feel bad by just ignoring him, I feel this muffled sound telling me to try and repair whatever's left of our relationship. Should I just kill whatever it is inside of me that tells me to do that? (If so how?) and if I do will it go away permanantly? Or should I try to give in to that voice inside my head? Thank you so much for your reply ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 07:23 AM ---------- I would say that it doesn't help much but I think it says alot about me that I actually feel envious XD ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 07:23 AM ---------- I would say that it doesn't help much but I think it says alot about me that I actually feel envious XD
I feel like you know me so well. During my brothers teenage years, he use to punch me hard in my arm over the smallest thing and literally would sometimes go crazy on me if I did something which was stupid in his eyes but not in mine (I was a kid, what do you expect?). Ever since cutting all connections with him - speaking, being in the same room as him, etc - I haven't gotten any PHYSICAL abuse since and I've counted the years I've been bruise free and it marks the 4th year of being bruise free. Also, I understand what you mean about being sensitive to people touching you - if friends in my school would punch me - I literally wouldn't do anything and just think back to how my confidence was ruined because of my brother. My Brother is not that bad a person too but what he has done and what he will do is definitely going to hurt me which is why I'm telling you to be wary if you do somehow sort it out with him. I don't understand that either, despite my brother finding gay porn twice on my phone he hasn't resulted to telling my parents. Sure, he's threatened me indirectly but all I get now is the dirty indirect verbal abuse like "faggot", "gay" and "queer" - he also teaches my little brother to say it so whenever I somehow "annoy" my little brother, I get verbal abuse despite not being out. I understand what you mean about enjoying your brothers company, I feel it too. I don't know, I think it's just if you have a good relationship growing up with a person to look up to, you become inseparable until changes on their end start happening. Go with what your heart says, not your head. I've already made my decision pretty clear after threatening to murder his girlfriend via text LOL (I was in a bad state). But yeah, I'm sure if you're second guessing your hate for your Brother then it must mean that you want to make amends and talk to him but WHO doesn't? I wish I could be "brothers" with my Brother again but it just doesn't work like that.
I don't think you understand what the touching thing is about. It's much more sensitive than that. Either way, it's a very long story and has nothing to do with my brother. But the point is, outing me to our relatively ultra-homophobic parents was the biggest low in our relationship. He knew that if he had told them my life would be ruined (which it was for a while) and the fact that I'm originally a Lebanese refugee living in Jordan doesn't exactly help my case. Eventually politics will take hold. It's just that I was bullied for a while by my family members who kept hounding me with maronite chants and phrases like 'Jesus will save you' There are no worse fundamentalists than Arab fundamentalists. I was practically locked in my house for a while. I used to have this fear for a couple months that my brother would tell the school which would probably have resulted in my expulsion. Though eventually I managed to accept everything and work through it, I am still unable to believe that he would do such a thing. I am so so sorry your brother would hurt you like that. I completely understand the feeling. Beatings were quite common. In fact, he beat me up right after I was outed. I understand what you said by not trusting him too much, but the thing is. How can I possibly begin to mend our relationship? I think the biggest problem is me. I can't seem to talk to him, I have this feeling that if I do I'd break something in me. Plus I've been making tangible progress with that whole touching thing. If I get beat up again I have a feeling I'd break apart. The point is, do you think it's worth it? Should I try to mend out relationship? I want to but there's this really loud voice yelling at me not to. Some of the worst moments of my life involved him. Trusting my heart is pretty vague because all I can hear is loud beating. I can't believe you threatened to murder his gf XD. I would pay to see his reaction. Either way, I think I'm more curious to know what that feeling of attachment I have towards him. I mean, even as children he was pretty rude to me (though much much less than now) but I still like him. I always admired how great he was at everything he does. it didn't matter what you handed him he could master it in weeks. Plus there were the occasional sprinkles of kindness that I really do appreciate, but most of the stuff I remember weren't that happy. Do you know what this could be from? I always thought it was because he was the closest thing I ever had to a parental figure, since he always corrected me, scolded me and took relative care of me during the times my parents were out (which was everyday) and after my Grandmother moved to Beirut. Though he was always less than pleased, I still really can't forget that. Do you really think I should forgive him for outing me based on that? Thanks for your reply
I don't think you understand what forgiveness means - as someone who has had to learn how to forgive, it isn't what we're commonly brought up to believe. Most of us are peddled a story about how we need to learn to "turn the other cheek", and we're basically asked to accept and overlook the abuse dealt to us. This is not forgiveness. Forgiveness has nothing to do with your brother. Forgiveness is about letting go of the pain, the anger, and the suffering you've endured at his hands. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself to move on. It does not mean you overlook his past or future actions. When you forgive someone it gives you the ability to look them in the eye and judge them fairly. Without forgiveness we cannot judge people fairly, the pain, the hurt, and the suffering will call us toward vengeance. Forgiveness *IS* the difference between justice and vengeance. When you're able to let go of the pain of what he's done, you'll have the ability to judge - fairly - on how to proceed with him. Do you forge a new relationship with your brother? I don't know. That requires work on his part. If you forgive him, then the possibility exists that such a thing could happen. It could not happen without forgiveness. However, it would require him to try to re-earn your trust. It would require him to show remorse for his actions. If he is not willing to do this then he is not willing to have a relationship with you, even if you want one with him. So, should you forgive him? Yes. Not for his sake, but for your own. Holding on to the pain he caused you is pointless. It gives him the power to keep hurting you, and forgiveness strips him of that power. Once you've reached that point, you need to decide whether or not you want a relationship with him. That's an entirely different decision to make outside of forgiving his actions. He is not entitled to a relationship with you. However, if you decide you want a relationship with him then you need to be honest about what you're feeling. You need to let him know you've forgiven him for what he's done. You'd need to open the door to him. Would he walk through that door? I cannot say. However, if he chooses to do so then you have the ability to begin re-establishing trust and forging a new bond, hopefully one that is stronger than what came before.
So, are your family Christians or Muslims? In addition, he could have done it to help you indirectly because would coming out to your parents on your own account be harder to do? Also, did you expect a worse reaction from your parents than what you did get? How can you say the biggest problem is yourself when your Brother gave you abuse all your life and even outed you? Sure, there is a problem with you not forgiving him - if you did want to mend your relationship - but your brother needs to do his bit if you want this to work otherwise it will just be a vicious cycle. Honestly, I don't want to influence you but I definitely wouldn't and I can say that with confidence because we have similar situations. So, how long have you not seen him for? He could have changed over the years... Well, I ran out the house and from the window all I see is him on the phone and he's mouthing to me 'WATCH'. Later, I found out she was crying like the whore she is (!) Honestly, I can relate. My brother was the closest thing I ever had to a parental figure especially when my parents were out at work or on holiday. This feeling you are getting is most likely you looking back on the good things that he has done in the past so you're acting very nostalgic. Well, if it was that bad then it really is up to you but like I said, if it would have gone worse with you telling them then you should be in a way grateful to your brother. Did you tell your brother you were gay? Even though Aldrick is telling the exact opposite of what I'm saying, he is much older and wiser so his advice is golden. However, I could never let go of the pain and forgive so forgiveness is not for me in this case despite the Prophet urging that forgiveness is important. Although, I just may be a stupid teen and my decisions are really critical. I'll probably only realize this in my 30s that I should have forgiven my brother..
So, are your family Christians or Muslims? In addition, he could have done it to help you indirectly because would coming out to your parents on your own account be harder to do? Also, did you expect a worse reaction from your parents than what you did get? They're strict Maronites. I expected a better reaction from my parents, it didn't end well. Let me put it this way, I expected to be miserable and suicidal. They overcame my expectations. I had no intention on coming out to my parents, I mean at all. I was/still am looking forward to turning 18 and escaping all the bullcrap I had to deal with. I in no way ever want anything to do with my parents. They made me miserable for as long as I can remember and even told me they considered abortion and openly mention it to me whenever I do the slightest thing wrong infront of them. My brother knew that very well. How can you say the biggest problem is yourself when your Brother gave you abuse all your life and even outed you? Sure, there is a problem with you not forgiving him - if you did want to mend your relationship - but your brother needs to do his bit if you want this to work otherwise it will just be a vicious cycle. Had I tried harder to be more likeable before he outed me this probably wouldn't have happened. Honestly, I don't want to influence you but I definitely wouldn't and I can say that with confidence because we have similar situations. So, how long have you not seen him for? He could have changed over the years... I haven't seen him in two years. From what I could tell when my parents phones or skyped him when he talked about me and from what I saw on his Facebook account he's still the same ass he always was. But I should probably give him another chance. Well, I ran out the house and from the window all I see is him on the phone and he's mouthing to me 'WATCH'. Later, I found out she was crying like the whore she is (!) LOL, that made my day Honestly, I can relate. My brother was the closest thing I ever had to a parental figure especially when my parents were out at work or on holiday. This feeling you are getting is most likely you looking back on the good things that he has done in the past so you're acting very nostalgic. I dunno, I just can't forget it. Other than my grandmother he was the only one that took care of me. No body ever really cared that much for me. Well, if it was that bad then it really is up to you but like I said, if it would have gone worse with you telling them then you should be in a way grateful to your brother. Did you tell your brother you were gay? He found something on my phone about it. I begged him not to tell my parents, I knew if I had told them I would be miserable till I move out (I was right) I really did even cry. He didn't listen.
