So, long story short, I frequently feel like I want out of my relationship, but I'm afraid that my suicidal girlfriend would act on her thoughts. It started off relatively well. I was happy to support her through her struggles and we'd been friends before we started dating, so I knew what I was getting myself into. I guess my mistake was being one of the only people she'd talk to about it and not thinking of the consequences if things went sour. I was so sure of what I was feeling at the time and I thought that if anything, she'd be the one to leave me. Eventually, I was spending most nights awake and crying into my pillow because she was cutting herself and texting me about it or talking about how she didn't want to live anymore. She once refused to eat for three days straight, talked about it incessantly every day she did it, and expected me to be okay with it. It would've been a week, but I almost started crying in the middle of a class we shared and finally did cry at the end. I don't even think that's why she stopped, actually. Something I said made her think I was going to break up with her if she didn't eat. In fights, she still brings up how I ruined everything by "making" her start eating again. And she can't stay off the topic of her body and what she's going to do to lose weight, even though she knows it upsets me. I understand it sometimes, but she brings this up when we're at family dinners, standing in line at amusement parks, and hanging out with my friends. And she says mean things about people's weight when we're out. Perfect strangers. She still won't admit to having an eating disorder or body image issues and I dread going places with her when I'm with other friends or family, because she does this all the time. She'll be mean and snippy sometimes and expect me not to get offended because she was angry at something else. I say that's not an excuse to take it out on the people you claim to love, and she sort of agrees, but I never see her making any effort to stop. There are a lot of things she won't stop. She refuses to talk to her therapist about her suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, or self harm because she doesn't want to change any of these things and she thinks it makes her weak to accept professional help. The thought of standing by indefinitely and watching her hurt herself makes me feel hopelessly trapped. I know that she's hurting horribly right now and it's why she's lashing out at everything, but it's hard to want to stay when this is what I have to look forward to. This is my first relationship and I don't like the feeling of being shackled for life to someone who I'm often unhappy with. I don't think that the person who claims to love me should be making me cry so often. She constantly says she loves me more than I do her and when somebody repeats something often enough, you begin to believe it. All the same, it's hard to know what to do because there are times when I'm still happy and I know she'd offer to change everything and beg me not to break up with her if I tried. I really believe that she does care, as thoughtless as she can be. However, I don't like ultimatums and I like the thought of making someone change everything even less. It feels like taking hostages, and that'd cheapen whatever version of love we have left. She says she'd kill herself if I left, and I kind of believe it, because she was suicidal before we got together. So that leaves me with this hot mess of a late night forum post. (Congratulations to anyone who stuck around to read all this, by the way. Feel free to ask me to clarify anything.) What do I even do from here? I'd really appreciate any advice because I'm totally lost.
Believe it or not, I understand your situation perfectly. I have this best friend for years and she once reach to the point that she was force to enter the facilitate for recovery for six month. We are not couple like you guys, but I took care of her for 5 years. There is no way you can help her, believe me. You may tell yourself that you can do more, or you can change things. You have done anything you could for her, and there is nothing more you can offer. I understand you are in pain, I went to the same thing, too. I still cannot leave her regardless she had hurt me in so many different kind of levels. My advice may sound lame but if you really like her and you still want to be with her. The only thing you can do is stay by her side and recall all the happy moments you had with her. When a person is being suicidal, you cannot reason with her. All you can do is be there when she needs you. Swallowing the tear on your own is painful, but leaving her is going not going to make you feel better. Trust me.
