Why is shame keeping me from relationships?

Hi EC! I want to thank you for helping me come out. In a few short months I have come out to most of my friends and started getting involved with the gay community in my town. Most importantly I have started meeting girls. I never thought this would ever happen and I have you all to thank for it!

Now there are so many crazy things for me to sort through when entering the dating world. I have never dated and have done little more then kiss. I have intense trust issues because of years of trauma and abuse and I am working on sorting that out with my therapist. So if I did start seeing a girl things would have to go very slow.

Also, one thing I've talked about a lot on here is that I was heavily involved in church up until 3 years ago when I decided to leave my bible school. I have been able to accept that I am gay and haven't felt shame about that for a while but now that I have danced with girls, flirted with girls and kissed a girl, the shame is coming back. Every time I am with a girl I feel awesomely turned on, but afterwards i feel anxious and emotional. I just feel dirty. My therapist says I need to be honest about that side of myself that feels shame and not tell it to shut up. It's important to me to be gentle with myself because I know there are many things causing this.

Another factor is that I am amazed that woman find me attractive. I thought I would have to scramble to find a girlfriend because they are so rare. Now I am realizing that I can be picky and I think that is the warning my body is giving me- my body is telling me to be more choosy about the girls I flirt with. But part of me worries this shame will never go away.

It feels so awful i am tempted to self injure again. I haven't done it in months but the feeling of self-loathing is so strong. I have tried putting an icecube on my wrist and that doesn't help.

The gravity of my lack of trust is astounding. When I am in a room alone with someone I am constantly looking at the door and feeling trapped and scared. Is this why? Is it because I am scared that I am hiding under my shame? I am so confused and hurt. Maybe I need to figure myself out a little more and recover from my trauma of being told that I am sinful and the trauma of abuse before I meet any more girls.

Do you struggle with shame? If so how have you recovered?

 

That is a good point thank you. I think part of it is because I am private and shy too. Maybe I will find a sweet girl that will be patient with me while I sort through it. Part of it won't go away till I have experiences.