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Where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by chrisJ, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. chrisJ

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I don't know if anyone would be interested in reading my message, it's just that i'm in desperate need of help and i'm tired of keeping things to myself.

    I find it difficult to open up to people and I have been that way my whole life since I was in school. I had no friends and people treated me really bad just because i was socially anxious and 'gay' as they called me throughout my time in high school. I didn't act gay and still don't, yet they picked on me emotionally and physically. It turned out that i am gay and i always wonder, did they know i was gay?

    Following high school, I became very isolated and withdrawn from almost everyone. I became depressed, and my social anxiety got a lot worse until I suffered a break down. Apart from my other problems, being gay was a big problem for me. I wanted to be who I was freely because I always knew there was nothing wrong with being gay. I didn't know how my parents would feel if they knew they had a gay son and i was afraid to bring up the question. I just knew that if i found the right guy, I wouldn't be so scared of coming out.

    Should I be embarrassed to say that i've never been with anyone physically? :frowning2: There are two reasons for that - I am socially anxious, and i'm waiting for the right guy to come along. Yeah i know its a cliche or whatever, but i'm waiting for the right guy. I don't want to be with a lot of guys throughout my life, i just want to be with one. I believe in love and personality is the most important thing for me.

    Last year, I had been in the worst depression I had ever been in. I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I had planned to take my life. But something happened. I had been on a site called trevor space and i was trying to take my mind of my problems, which was difficult, until i met this guy. Something in his eyes told me to message him and it went from there. A 22 year old Indian guy named Harsh, who i connected with instantly and its the first time it had happened before. We got really close. Friendship turned to a relationship (online relationship). We messaged everyday, talked on the phone and skyped. Later he told me he wanted to marry me and one day have a family.

    Five months after i met him, in September i finally came out to my family. It wasn't as scary as I thought. They just acted normal, which is what I wanted. One problem is that my youngest brother is homophobic and he keeps saying that i'm 'not normal'. Things were going good. Harsh told me he would always be there for me, and he got me through so much. My depression had reduced, i was happier and i never let him forget that he saved my life. One day we were skyping and he told me that we had to go back to being friends. I became so broken down. I loved him and I still do. Things began to get bad again, only this time worse than ever.

    Harsh was still a nice guy and very sweet and friendly. I began to worry about him. When I called him and he didn't answer i would panic. For months I used to message him on facebook and wait for a reply just so I knew he was ok. My heart was broken but i still love and care for him very much. When he went back to India for 2 weeks, I spent my time worrying, since his phone was switched off (he is living in US). He messaged me very rarely and one day he had met someone else and I just wanted to die. I don't know what I did. He just told me that it wasn't me and it was him. When he returned to the New York we remained friends. I was not coping and in March of this year I tried to take my life again. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I am now in therapy and things seem to be going good. Harsh has received a job in Ohio and i talk to him on Sundays on the phone. He still wants me to meet sometime and maybe then we can share our first kiss together. I don't know if things are still going with his other online relationship, yet he says he talks to him sometimes when he comes home from work :frowning2:. We both physically haven't been with anyone. My worrying thoughts about him have reduced. I know he is ok if his phone rings, it just means he is charging it if it is ringing lol.

    I hope i didn't bore anyone. I just wanted to explain everything so you can understand. Has anyone been in this situation, with the worrying and everything? What should I do? Should I continue trying to be with him or should I move on? I know it's really up to me but I would appreciate some opinions. And I hope you guys don't think i'm crazy lol i'm just in love and want a happy life.
     
    #1 chrisJ, Jun 18, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2013
  2. Dakine

    Regular Member

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    Live is crazy. For the first time in my life I'm in love. I never realized how powerful it can be, especially if the person you are in love with isn't quite ready to admit it. So no, you aren't crazy.

    My advice would be to try to move on. Why don't you try to meet a new friend on that website to take your mind off of him. I'm a firm believer in fate (unfortunately I don't practice what I preach lol) but I believe if u and this guy are meant to be together, you just need to find something to replace him with. Even if its not another person, maybe a hobby or something until your feelings for him have decreased.