If you've read any of my other threads you'll know I have a good friend that I'm out to and have told him I like him. He shows several strong signs as to why I think he feels the same way about me but isn't at the same level of acceptance as me. I think he's aware of his sexuality issues but I think he's in the bargaining stage where he still thinks he has control on suppressing it and living the straight life. Just recently he went on a two week "avoiding me at all costs" thing (this kind of behavior happens often, and its usually after a time where we get closer and seem to connect better, than all of a sudden it's bam, all communication stopped) I sent him a couple texts in that time frame and basically my last text I sent I took advice I got from the board here and told him I think it's best I give him space. He finally texted me and said he knows how frustrating it is for me when he does this but that he needed space from me. He had some issues to deal with and just couldn't handle me at the time. But that I've been the one person to help him come to terms with himself. Now mind you, our communication on a good day the last few months takes up 5 mins of his time tops. It's not like I'm bombarding him with me, I naturally give him plenty of space. We don't even hang out because every time we try he just avoids me right after we make the plans until its too late to actually meet up. This happens every time we try to hang out. However, we have plans to move to a new city together and in his words "start a new life together and not look back on anything". This moving idea was his idea. Anyways that's some background but it gets me to the topic of the thread. Does a straight guy actually need "space" from a friend? Keep in mind, we aren't in constant communication. I'd like to be but I think he avoids me when his feelings for me come out. In all honesty I've explained this "space" idea to a couple of friends. One knows about my sexuality and one doesn't, but both think its really odd that a straight guy would need space and time away from me. Again, keep in mind, we don't hang out but have plans to move to a new city and share an apartment together. And we barely text. Yes sometimes when I can sense he is down I try to give him some longer words of encourgment and advice. He usually LOVES when I do that, but this last space occurrence he said he couldn't handle that and needed to take his own advice this time but that I've been the person to help him come to terms with himself. I'm almost wondering if why he's waiting for us to move until we become true friends is because he's not ready to give up his straight life. During this two weeks of space he made some "straight life" decisions and I feel that's why he avoided me, cause he didn't want to deal with the not straight feelings I bring out in him. It's just a very odd situation, but I'm starting to wonder if he's somewhere between denial and bargaining, like where he's aware something is not right with his sexuality but that he thinks he can still suppress those things and live straight. I know I did that for years myself and I'm sure many of us did. "As long as I have a gf and comment on girls etc than I can still be straight, I'll just bury the fact I like guys". I think that's what he does when he needs this space from me, he's trying to bury his feelings for me. Because quite honestly I treat him EXTREMLY WELL. He should have no reasons to need space from me. The only thing I can think of is a) he's a selfish asshole that only cares about himself or b) as I've stated I make him deal with feelings he doesn't want to deal with yet or doesn't know how to deal with them or realize that you can't run away from them. Sorry for the rambling, if you needed to skip all of that the basic question I have is why would a guy need space from another guy. He behaved like this before he knew of my sexuality and feelings for him. So I don't believe that's the issue, only maybe it makes his sexuality that more real to him now.
Obviously I don’t know you or your friend, but I was (and still am) in a similar situation like your friend is. I have a thread here that might help you understand him a little better: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/96608-i-asked-my-roommate-if-hes-gay.html From my own point of view I didn’t needed space from my friend/roommate, I avoided him because I was confused about what I felt – I’m still confused… Right know I’m waiting for him to come home so we can talk about everything. I been going back and forward on my feelings in weeks now, so I feel for you. I haven’t read any other of your threads so I don’t know the whole story. Hope this helps.
No it does help. And I've read your thread and have really admired how good of a friend you are to him. I to believe my friend avoids me because of confusion. I've never had a friend who's been so over the place with how he treats me. One day he's calling me beautiful and basically acting like a bf would talk to you but than that is always followed up by complete avoidance. It really messes with my mind because its been an obsession for too long now for me. I have very deep feelings for him. I just wish he were obviously straight so that I could realize there would never be anything there. But fortunately, or unfortunately ( however you want to look at it) there are so many, too many obvious signs that I mean more than a friend to him and that he's not straight, but that we are just at different stages of the acceptance process. My problem now is its really starting to effect my everyday life negatively. I need to find a way to contain my feelings for him and back off for my own mental and emotional health. I confide in two people about this issue and they both are certain he's not straight and likes me like I like him. However since they don't understand the acceptance process they just see his behavior towards me as him being a bad friend and that I deserve better. I've been on EC long enough now and have gotten enough advice that I know his behavior towards me isn't just a selfish asshole but that there are deeper reasons (his own confusion) as to why he's so hot and cold to me. However now the problem is, is that I'm realizing that although he most likely has reasons for how he treats me, that I can no longer be do obsessive about him and our possible future. It's not fair to me or to my friends I constantly confide in. I have to find a way to back off, but be there for him during his acceptance journey while still holding out hope for our future. Man I wish he was just a typical straight crush hahaha but it's do obviously not. I just want to be the best friend I can be while finally taking care of my mental and emotional health. Enough is enough. I can't be consumed by this anymore.
Well, I think it's important to keep in mind that if he is really your friend (romantic or otherwise), the bottom line is that you should respect his wishes when he asks for space. There could be any number of reasons why any guy would want space from another guy, and it doesn't even have to do anything with you. I dropped communication with most of my friends for the last month because I was dealing with a family crisis; part of me didn't want to feel like I was whining to others, and part of me just didn't have the energy to be social. If you can't handle being just his friend (which really, is what your friendship is until he says otherwise - and hanging on the hope that he'll change that is a poor idea), then perhaps it's time for you to consider taking some space for you. Around here, I've given and received the "get over a crush" advice a lot, and it consists of time, distance, and distraction. You are in a very fortunate position in that your friend wants space for his own reasons. I think you should consider taking this opportunity and embracing the time you have away from him to see what it does for your personal health.
I agree wholeheartedly with you BudderMC. I respect his wishes for space. I always have and I do think its a great time for me to sort out myself and that's exactly what I'm doing and why I'm asking for help. For whatever reason though, this space he takes is specifically from me. He doesn't distance himself from his other friends, just me. Now I know everyone says you can't be certain about someone's sexuality unless they say so, but this is a very unique situation where it's just blatantly obvious that's the issue at hand. However like I said, I am giving him space and I am working on taking care of my issues with this. I want to get to the point where I can be there for him for his acceptance process or whatever other issues may arise as life goes on. But I also need to get to a point where I'm not consumed by everything. I just don't know how to get there. The tricky thing is in my mind, if I go cold to him or distance myself it does damage to him. He's the type of person that when he needs me in his life, I have to be there. He would go ape shit if I stopped talking to him. I've been there and done that and it can't even go on a couple of hours. He's very needy of me when he chooses to need me. Time and distance are practically impossible unless its him asking for it. I've tried. I just don't know what I can do to maintain our friendship but find a way to slowly and subtly back off my own feelings for him. I need to get to a point where if the future brings something great, but if not that's great too. Life will go on. I don't know, it's just really tricky when I need space from someone who genuinely needs me in their life, and needs me to show them the affection they ask for. I feel if I back off and he notices, it could do damage to his own acceptance of himself and that's the last thing I want to do. Again, I know ppl say you can never know for sure someone's sexuality until they tell you, but I know him well enough to know what's going on. Anyways if you have any good ideas how I can accomplish this I'm definitely willing and eager to listen. I just don't know how to take that space for myself when at any given moment he needs assurance I'm there for him. Like I said, he's very needy and emotional himself. I actually like that about him, but we need to find a happy medium somewhere. ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2013 at 12:28 PM ---------- What I mean by needy is he needs me to respond to him within minutes. Like if i dont respond within minutes he will leave voicemails etc stating he's not happy I ignored him. He needs my assurance that he means the world to me. He even needs me to go to his sporting events. I enjoy doing all of this because quite honestly he does mean the world to me. There are other things he does that make him needy but these are just a couple of them. Like I've thought about one way to back off him is to just give simple responses to his text, don't always respond right away or just don't respond sometimes in general and also no more emotional texting, but I'm just not sure this approach would work or even be a positive thing to do because he's said he really likes how much I show our friendship means and that he loves I care about him so much. I also know I'm the person that is truly helping him discover who he is as a person cause he's told that to me. I take helping other people more seriously than I take helping myself, but in the last few days I've finally realized I have to find a healthy balance or I won't be an effective help anyways.
