He turned me into homo forever? Confused...

Well, first, you need to calm down. Regardless of what you are, that is what you are and there is nothing wrong with that. In order for you to trully see who you are on the inside, you have to be at peace with all of the possibilities. (*hug*)

To put it blatantly, he couldn't have made you homosexual. Having a sexual experience with someone of the same sex doesn't make someone homosexual. It is an inherit orientation. He shouldn't have tried to force you and its a good thing that he eventually came to his senses. It is possible that he sparked a curiosity or interest that you hadn't previously explored, but he couldn't have simply changed you.

The last few paragraphs were a bit confusing, so bare with me. From what you have said, it sounds like you haven't ever really felt a strong attraction to women, but you chose to have sex with them anyway because you felt that it was the most natural? Is that correct?

 

Did you really have a thing for the ladies to begin with, sir? Because I remember telling myself that I wasn't gay when I was a teenager, but only because I was afraid of being punished, teased and criticized by my family. My attraction to the female anatomy was weak, and the female demeanor, non-existant; that's how I knew for sure, since very early in life.

I had a really close friend at 10 and I had the same experience with him as you've had with "F", and yeah, whatever feelings I have with him would be much stronger than with the females, but just as a straight man doesn't think about cock all the time, no gay guy is going to want to sleep with a woman. So I'm just asking you to take a look at it from those perspectives.

"

You also know that it's not just black and white, which means you can be into men and women equally or disproportionately. Why are you so bothered by the possibility of being gay (or even bi)?

 

Okay well first things first, by the sound of it, you trying to pull away and saying stop and F kept going but eventually stopped, I would say is definitely grounds for some form of sexual misconduct but since he stopped, I would probably just mark it down to a very confusing sexual experience.

BUT my opinion aside its whatever you feel it was, if ypu felt it was rape then its on your decision whether or not to press charges, or whatever you feel it was.

Again my opinion you just need to talk to this guy and sort out what happened.

As for you being straight or not, its not something that can change (unless you fall in the pan/bisexual range in that case it has the potential to swing from predominatnly straight to predominantly gay and back and forth)

I would heavily recommend some soul searching, you said that you were aroused and that would suggest that you could maybe be straight with seldom gay tendencies, or maybe its just F, again, its all whatever you want to call it. Hell you could forgp the whole searching and just say youre 100% straight, but I doubt you will feel fine, its best to just follow the road and see where you end up.

 

It sounds like you've fallen for him and that's why you're not reacting to girls atm. Doesn't mean you don't like girls anymore, just that your mind is concentrating on one person. If you're open to it (because it sounds worth exploring) then you should first talk to him about how his forcing you was not acceptable, even drunk, and something you won't stand for again. If not, then just wait for the feelings to pass. They might pass quickly or it might be a long time if you really have fallen for him. Doesn't help that he lives with you. But try not to worry too much about labels. It's not like you can never sleep with a woman again, you can do what you want

 

Are you saying your family is homophobic?


...and I meant that "If you're straight, then you wouldn't get a jollies from being touched by other men, or that it would ''turn you on'' to the point of being swooned over by the 'hotness' of the situation. ^_^ A straight man would kind of brush it off as a bad experience and say "I'm never doing that again; That was gross".

 

Welcome to EC, Cmmfor. (*hug*)

Alright, let's unpack what happened. All your life - or at least all your life up until this point - you've never really fantasized about girls sexually when you've masturbated. Although you've had sex, and probably relationships as well with girls, they've always lacked the passion and intensity that you've heard other people talking about. So, fast forward to about two months ago when your roommates and you were out drinking and then came home. You and one of your roommates were talking, and sometime at this point he kissed you. You're frightened that you might be gay, because you liked the kiss, wanted to keep going, and because the kiss was passionate and intense unlike anything you've ever experienced with a girl. This has led you to worry about your sexual orientation, and to have sexual fantasies about your friend. Is this roughly about what happened?

I went through all that because I feel it is important to really understand the situation, and perhaps seeing someone else write it down will help you process the situation better.

Okay, so assuming I understand everything correctly there are a couple of points that I want to make.

First, your friend was wrong to force himself on you against your will. This is unacceptable, but it seems to be something you've both worked past. There really isn't any excuse for this behavior... well, I guess aside from being drunk. However, thankfully things didn't progress further than they did.

Second, no one can make you have any sort of same sex attraction. It's not something you can "make" someone else feel or have, just as a woman can't make you find her attractive or love her if you don't. Believe me, if gay men had the magical ability to turn straight men bisexual or gay, there would be glitter and rainbows everywhere.

So, with that out of the way, let's start by not worrying about labels. I like the saying, "Labels are for cans of soup and t-shirts, not people." You don't need to apply any label to yourself, and so you should try (as difficult as it might be ) to set aside your concerns and fears for a moment.

Instead, try and focus on what you're feeling emotionally right now. Labels - if you want them - can come later. Right now, they don't matter. What matters is dealing with what you're feeling right now at this moment in time.

It's also important to remember that we're all raised to believe and accept that we're heterosexual from literally the moment our parents realize they're having a baby. This is true for everyone, that includes people who are straight. All of our lives we grow up under the expectation that we're just like everyone else, and then... one day... we realize that we might not be like everyone else. This is frightening, because it's an assault against our very identity. We assume that we are one thing, and then we start to realize that we might be different.

Now, whatever label you wish to use I can't judge. I can't know what you're feeling or what's in your head. I can only go by what you tell me. And frankly, I don't care about what label you decide fits you. What I *DO* care about is how you're feeling and how you're dealing with things.

I will tell you that you're not alone in having these types of experiences. I would encourage you to read this story, written by Justinf. He is unfortunately less active at the moment, but it is a story similar to your own that has already played out. Then there is another thread here that might be interesting for you to read, started by Rarareva. This is a currently ongoing issue, but it is also similar to your own.

It's very important for you to realize that you're not alone, what you're feeling is okay and normal, and that no matter where you ultimately end up that your fear and anxiety over what happened will eventually pass.

I would encourage you to take some time, take some deep breaths, set aside labels for a bit and just focus on what you're feeling naturally. Don't judge anything, just give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you're happening to feel. Forget about what other people might think - including your family - and just be you... you're away at college. Your mother and father aren't watching. You're an adult now. You can do whatever you want, and be whatever it is you want to be. You don't need their approval any longer. Just strive to be as honest with yourself as possible about what you're feeling, because at this point in time - I think this is the best advice.

 

Aldrick is 10x better at this than me. Just forget i'm here. x`D lol not trying to scare you.

 

Cmmfor -

I'm glad what I wrote was helpful.

Trust me when I say that things aren't as bad as they seem right now. You just need to relax and stop worrying about labels for the time being. Instead, just focus on what you're feeling and experiencing, and strive to be honest with yourself. So, let's say you're masturbating or something and the thought of another guy or your friend pops into your head. First of all, don't freak out. It's just a fantasy and it's in your head. No one can see it but you, and you don't have to tell anyone about it. It's private. Give yourself permission to explore that fantasy just to see how you feel, and maybe you'll like it or maybe you won't... either way it doesn't matter, because you shouldn't be putting a judgement on it.

While I'm in favor of you being honest with your friend, I do want to throw up a bit of caution. Your friend may or may not be attracted to you, but he has proven that he's a bit... um... aggressive and forward. So he might take your uncertainty as a signal that you want something more from him than just a friend who you trust to help you sort out your feelings. Now, I absolutely do not recommend having sex with him or making out with him or anything like that - even if you find yourself wanting to - at least at the moment. That could come later, if you want it too, but right now I think it's probably best that you give yourself permission to fantasize and feel things without judgement.

A good possibility, and one that I would strongly recommend even over speaking to your friend, is contacting your sister. You wrote that she is a lesbian and that she's familiar with the community here. It's unfortunate to hear that your parents have turned against her, and I hope that they will change their minds in time. However, just because your parents have had such a reaction doesn't mean you have to follow their lead. After all - remember, you're an adult now. You can do what you want.

Your sister may have experienced similar things, and is hopefully in a position to be sympathetic toward you and trustworthy. You can also be certain that she isn't going to want anything more from you unlike your friend.

And of course, you have the entire community here at EC to turn to for support as well. So you're not alone. Everything is going to be fine, and I hope you keep us updated on what happens.

(*hug*)

 

I am kind of the same, but opposite. I was with my ex boyfriend for nearly 8 years. We were going to get married. We were happy and I loved him, but there had always been some issues with the physical side of the relationship, (both him and I thought I simply wasn't very interested in sex, because it had been the same with my ex bfs). But then I met a woman who completely changed my life and made me realise what I could feel towards women. Now I can't believe I hadn't realised this earlier. I guess I hadn't allowed myself to.

 

Before he figured out he was gay, my partner had sex with women a few times in college. He describes his reaction as 'That's it? That's what all the excitement's about?'. This sounds somewhat like how you've described your experiences with women.

Just another data point perhaps.

Todd

 

It's normal to be scared when something major feels like it's changing in your life and you don't feel like you're in control. It's also normal (and healthy) to react to major stress by crying. "Manning up" and bottling it all up or trying not to feel anything isn't healthy and never really works anyway. At best you just bottle it up so no one sees it (and maybe you fight not to think about it and maybe even think you've succeeded for a while) but you end up feeling miserable because sooner or later it all comes back to hit you over the head.

You're not being weak for having feelings, you're being strong for facing them and working through them instead of trying to hide (from) them.

It's great that your sister loves you and is there to support you and it sounds like she will totally support you however this shakes out.

F's comment about 'Confused, it's a start' may relate to confusion being a common initial emotion when someone starts questioning their sexuality (see the number of threads on EC in the Co that have 'confused' or 'confusion' in the title, especially in the Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Support sub-forum).

Given your friendship and the way he came on to you, he obviously likes you. He's already said he thought you were/are gay. I suspect he's thinking/hoping that you are working through the process of coming to terms with yourself such that you will accept yourself as being a gay man. Whether he's thinking of that in terms of just being your friend and wanting you to be happy, still hoping for a hookup with you, or actually having feelings for you and hoping you might eventually return them I have no idea. Also don't know that you even want to think about that sort of thing right now, but there it is. Feel free to just set it aside and deal with other stuff first if you prefer.

As far as his rather awkward responses to your distress, it's possible he doesn't know what to do in this situation any more than you do. His coming to terms process may have been relatively easy, or he's forgotten how tough it was. Or he could just be a bit of a ditz.

Finally, a few other things...

I notice in this post that you repeatedly say that you're not gay. And it's perfectly OK if you're not. But it's also perfectly OK if you are (your sister is gay after all and you obviously love her and think she's a good person). At some point someone here will probably mention the 5 stages of grief/loss to you, one of which is denial. Not saying that's where you are for sure, but just throwing it out there. I'm not even close to an expert on that particular topic so will leave it there.

Second, and just something to think about...early on in this thread you made more than one post to the effect that girls, and sex with same, didn't do much for you and that you were afraid that your future would consist of you marrying a girl and being sad forever because you never really liked being with a girl. Yet you also described your feelings with F as being very intense and described them at least partly in positive terms (feeling good, feeling hot, etc.). Which leads to a hypothetical question:

If there were no negative perceptions toward being gay or gay sex in the world,
if no one would care which gender you were into,
if your parents primary reaction to your sister and her girlfriend was to nag them incessantly about when they were going to start adopting grandchildren (and your only worry with them was that when you met someone - male or female - they would start in the same way on you),
if F hadn't started off by forcing you but instead things just sort of happened,

if all these things were true, if the only thing that mattered was how you felt, and, given the level of feelings you've had with women and the level of feelings you've now had with a guy - which feelings would you rather have?

Finally, and just to point out: Your sister sounds like a delightful person and you yourself describe her as 'happy'. So she is living proof that being gay need not be a terrible thing or cause for grief. Nor does it mean being sad forever. Just sayin.

Hope this helps, or at least doesn't hurt. Aldrick's got a better handle on this than I do, and I'll defer to him (or you for that matter) if I'm totally off the deep end here. But figured I'd just throw these thoughts since they occurred while reading your post.

Todd

 

I largely agree with AKTodd.

I'm glad you still have a good relationship with your sister, and she sounds like a fantastically good and understanding person - protective as well as having a good head on her shoulders.

My advice is to open up more to her, and be honest with what you're feeling - the same as you're discussing things here. I promise you that she'll understand, and she of all people knows how important it is to keep these types of things to herself. So you can trust her not to betray your trust.

By sharing what you're going through with your sister, this is going to take a load off your shoulders. You're going to feel more free, and you're going to have an easier time dealing with the situation. You've opened the door with her already. You just have to find the courage to step through it.

You need love and support right now. You don't have to deal with this alone. You are incredibly lucky, as most people do not have someone they can turn to in a situation like this - you do. Take it. It may be hard and difficult at first, but I do not think you'll regret the decision.

...and remember, you don't have to use labels. It's just important that you strive to be authentic toward what you're feeling and experiencing. You don't want to judge yourself or beat yourself up. (*hug*)