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age diffrences in lesbian relationships.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hawaiianflower, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. I have been thinking about my hetero dating rules. As a rule, I never dated a guy younger than me. My husband is 5 years older than me and sometimes I think maybe that wasn't enough of a difference. I never liked guys my age because they were immature. Older never bothered me. My family always said I was like a 30 year old toddler.

    It seems like this would be different in women. I feel like I will probably be a bit more open minded about age differences for women who are younger. I think I will probably have to consider the person no matter their age. (as long as they are over 18)

    Has anyone run into age issues in a lesbian relationship?
     
  2. MerBear

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    No personally but I guess, i could tell you my preference if that helps.
    I like girls my age or maybe 1 year older. I don't particularly like girls younger than me but i guess i could date a girl who was 16, i don't mind that but 2 years younger or older kind of does. I guess, i like to stay in my age range.
     
  3. age issues are issues regardless of the gender of the people involved.

    some people are mature for their age, some people are immature for theirs.

    that still doesn't change that people who are older have more life experience than those who are younger and this leads to situations where the two people are not coming to the relationship as equals and it is unhealthy.

    So, what I'm saying is, it's okay to be flexible about age, to a certain extent.
    Generally the rule is half one's age, plus seven is the youngest acceptable age for a partner.

    though there are exceptions, it is rare to see relationships with wide age gaps that are healthy for both parties. (the older the people, the better off you are. if you're 45 and 55 it is nowhere near as big of a deal as if you're 18 and 28)
     
  4. You're in a position that you could get in trouble for dating younger. Especially once you turn 18. I am not sure what the laws are now, but I know some people who got in trouble years ago.

    Looking at the maturity of each person is always important.

    I guess I was more referring to the idea that guys mature slower than girls. This isn't always true, but it was a big enough issue that I decided to never date younger guys.
     
  5. Chip

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    From the somewhat limited experience base I have (which isn't scientific, isn't a valid sample, and in no other way should be considered definitive), I've noticed an enormous number of really, really unhealthy lesbian relationships where there are significant age differences. And the interesting thing is... nearly all of the people in them insist they're healthy and perfectly fine, even though they're some combination of incredibly codependent, the older partner is massively controlling, there's a huge imbalance in power and control, or all of the above.

    Interestingly, while I've seen very few healthy gay relationships with large age gaps, I've seen even fewer healthy lesbian relationships with large age gaps.

    There may be some out there, but on the whole, it's not common, from my limited sample.
     
  6. MerBear

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    yeah, i know i could get in trouble....but if i did really love that girl (one year young only) than....i might take the risk but i doubt it will happen
     
  7. RainSprite

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    @Chip - When you say large age gaps... how many years are you referring to? 10 years? 15 years or more? thanks.

    Typically it's relationships where the younger person is 18-25 and the older person is at least 7 or 8 or more years older (in some cases, 20+ years older.) As people get into their later 20s, getting into an age gap relationship is less of a problem because there's typically less of an imbalance. But if the relationship starts when the younger person is in their mid-20s or earlier, that's when you typically see the really unhealthy patterns, and they rarely improve even if the relationship lasts... they just continue in the really unhealthy patterns.
     
  8. Chip -

    I can see how that would be the case. I sure wouldn't want to play mommy for someone. It is something to keep in mind.

    Sometimes it feels like I am in a whole different world. I have to remind myself that things have not changed nearly as much as I think. It also feels so small. I only know 1 person I very rarely see in person who is probably a lesbian.

    Flyalone - I understand.
     
  9. FruitFly

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    I have to agree with Chip here. I know a few women in their 30's dating 16-21 year olds and I cannot think of one of those relationships where there is no degree of unsettling codependency and/or emotional manipulation of some sort. As with Chip they all insist that these relationships are healthy, and indeed perfect, despite the fact that there are behaviours which are distinctly unhealthy and focus on an idealistic relationship crafted out of codependency and manipulation.

    However obviously my observations are hugely biased. There are situations where it does work, and work well, with how well it works depending largely dependent on how a person has developed. As you get older, towards your thirties, I think the differences tend to be reduced quite drastically. A 28 year old dating a 38 year old is a different kettle of fish to a 28 year old dating an 18 year old, in my experience anyway.
     
    #9 FruitFly, Jun 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2013
  10. VelvetEYES

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    I def have a preference for women older than me within the 3-5yr range. Not really interested in any chicks younger. Never been attracted to chicks younger than me. I think it has to do with the maturity level of those younger than me. Turns me off.
     
  11. Yeah. Maturity is a big thing. That is why I never considered dating a younger guy.

    I think there is a point where someone would be too old for me, but I don't know where that range is yet.