So this is probably going to be really long and get kind of ranty, so I do apologize for that. A bit of information before I sail this ship, I’m a girl going into my senior year of high school. The girl that I’ll be talking about is a year younger, going into her junior year. We’re both in band and eat with the “band hallway” kids. Because we have similar interests and classes due to good ol’ time consuming band we’ve gotten to know one another pretty well over that last few years. However, we don’t have a lot of things in common outside of school. I’ve got two older brothers, no sisters, so I’m really into the crowd of video games. She, on the other hand, has never owned a proper game in her life and prefers to spend her time roaming tumblr and reading poetry. Our relationship has gotten kind of weird over the last few months. I don’t remember how it started but we’re the kind of friends that pretend to be married. Very jokingly though. Or it should have been, but I got a little crush on her and well, I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaad at hiding my emotions. I’m pretty sure that everyone thinks I’m at least bi now. Which, again, is fine, whatever. If they’d ask; I’d tell. Of course; When it comes to my sexuality, I’m a mess. I can’t decide whether I’m asexual or just really, really, really scared of sex. But hey, I’m not a soup can so I don’t need to label myself. I’m alright with drifting through life without a label and just following my heart. That is, however, something damn near impossible to explain to people. And then there are my relationships. It sucks but the moment a relationship gets even remotely physical I backpedal. I can’t help it. I just feel really guilty and horrible so I end it. I don’t know why. (Keep in mind, I’ve only ever been in an “official relationship” with boys before.) Anyway, this underclassmen friend of mine decided that she wanted to get to know me better these last couple months. Which was fine, I don’t really go out of my way to hang out with people, so I really only hang out with people when they initiate it. So she took me up to her family’s cabin with her and her dad one weekend. It was fun and I had a good time. We talked about a lot of things and it was nice getting close to someone for the first time in a while. The second or third day up there she confessed to me that she was bi. I told her about my doubts and it felt really good, getting it off of my chest and all. I warned her that I was already trying to not like her because I liked our friendship and she agreed that staying as we were was best. Nothing changed right after this. We still slept in the same bed like it was no big deal, were jokingly all cuddly and stuff at school. Same ol’, same ol’. Fast-forward a month or so…. Two of my guy friends, her, and I go out to see The Great Gatsby in theatres. We went pretty late so it was at least ten-thirty by the time it was over. One of my guy friends offered to drive the two of us home. Somebody decided like halfway to her house that she should, oh hey, just spend the night at my house (everyone in her family was out of town so she didn’t want to go home or something. I don’t remember who started this idea, but it isn’t that important.) So we go to her house, get her over night stuff and then my guy friend drives the two of us back up to my place. He stays and hangs out for an hour or so but then goes home at like midnight. I offer to sleep in the basement with her because my bed is tiny, there are spiders on the floor and my basement is freakin’ SCARY. She thanks me and again, we go into the usual habit of friends, nothing new. We start talking after laying down, y’know, like girls do. She gets all close and snuggly. I kinda mentally freaked out and pulled away from her a bit. She started asking what was wrong and such so I reiterated the fact that I was trying to preserve our friendship. Then she gets closer and asks me what I want. What do I want? I just told you what I want. I’m going through great pains to respect her invisible boundaries and keep our friendship as is. And then when I start spluttering like an idiot because I really, REALLY can’t handle myself in that kind of situation… annnnnnnnnnnd… she kisses me. … Okay. So, cool. Usually if a girl kisses you after you’ve basically told her you like her that means she wants it to go somewhere, riiiiiight? Wrong. Though nothing serious happened other than a few nice and fluffy minutes of kissing, she decided the next day that she didn't want a relationship with me. Claimed that we’d be doomed to fail as a couple and all. And I realize that we don’t have a lot of hobbies in common so I agreed and did my best to move on. I cried my eyes out after she left and got lots of huggies from my mom. It sucked horribly. It was the first time EVER that after something physical I didn’t feel like puking and dying in a hole somewhere. But it isn’t like I could force her to be with me if she wasn’t ready so I swallowed that pill. And I moved on. It hurt a lot, and it sucked a lot but I got over it and I started working on getting over her. …Two days later at school things are awkward beyond all hells. Which was to be expected and I did my very best to act normal. After a few hours it ended up being easier than I thought and though I still wanted space from her, it was the first time that I realized I was going to be okay. That night I sent her a lengthy message explaining that I was getting over it but that I did need space for a while. She replies with an equally lengthy message where she basically says that she’s sorry for “running away like a nine year old” and for dooming any chance that we had at a relationship. So she regretted squashing the spark. Still, I was in pain and so not ready to attempt to sail that ship again so soon. I told her as such and it was pretty much a dropped issue. It’s been a month since then and I can say with confidence that although I’ll always have the, “what if?” thought at the back of my head, I’m over the incident. But now, all of a sudden, she is acting like she’s not over it. She drops little hints all the time and has gone back to being my all-too-close-fake-wife. So I don’t know what to do. I like being close to her, it felt nice and I didn't regret it later for the first time in my life. Yet, I don’t want to risk trying to invest myself in a relationship with someone who might not actually be ready. Part of me really, really wants to go there with her. And another part of me is slapping that part silly and saying, “YOU JUST GOT OVER THIS, FOOL.” So yeah. ... Advice is appreciated<3 (*hug*)
